Watching wolves amidst the shade and light

Just the girls

2011-08-15T13:08:00.000-04:00

Jason and Zev are in CA. His aunt and uncle are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and while we were all invited to the party, I just wasn't ~~stupid~~ brave enough to want to take the girls. So Jason and Zev were our representatives and off they went.

And it was just me and the girls. I was looking forward to it, actually. They can be rather fun. And I tried to make some play-dates with friends I haven't seen in a long time who also happen to have children. My old boyfriend from college is now married and has a one year old daughter and I thought it would be fun to do something with them. Likewise, my neighbor is still home on maternity leave with her three year old twin boys (who are friends with Zev) and three month old son. But in both cases, the nap schedules just didn't mesh up...while my girls are on one long nap/day, each of my friends still have their children on 2 naps/day, directly opposite from my girls. Oh well. I did still manage to catch up with my neighbor who walked by while my girls were napping, and I also saw my mother and sister one morning. Other than that, we spent a lot of time at an inside playground since the weather was so nasty.

The most difficult part of the day, honestly, was after 7pm and the girls were in bed. Its a weekend, and its 7pm. And I'm stuck at home with nothing to do. Which, if you know me personally, is utter torture. I don't like watching TV. I do like to read, but can only do it in short amounts, and I didn't have anything new I wanted to read. So I browsed Netflix and did a little crosswords. Yay, the happy life of a parent. And I was somewhat productive during naps: cleaned the fridge, mopped the floor, cleaned out our toy bins and tossed old toys that we weren't using anymore. So I feel a little more organized. It won't last, but at least for two hours, the house was relatively clean.

We did miss Jason and Zev. Tzelia was specifically pretty clutchy all weekend, but she also had the wonderful timing of coming down with a cold. Meorah was congested the first night, and had a hard time falling asleep...its like she KNEW it was only me. Sigh. Meorah loved seeing Jason on Facetime and kept reaching for the phone when she saw his face. We'll see how they react when they see him (and Zev) tomorrow night.

It sounds like Zev had a good time, and I can't wait to hear it from him. And see more pictures. I know they checked out Disney Land and Lego Land and the beach. Jason wants to try for all of us to take a vacation together next summer. That may work. We'll see.

Meorah is walking much better. She still knee-walks, but that has gone down dramatically. I am concerned about Tzelia's weight and we are continuing to add cream to her milk. No complaints from Zev about the leg braces, but I should make an appointment for him in a few weeks to get him looked at again.

Its always something, isn't it? But lots of good things as well. Can't complain too much.

oops.

2011-07-12T16:11:00.001-04:00

I realized the other day that I haven't updated in awhile. I guess life got away from me.

We're into July and it was a beautiful (not) 90+ degrees today. Ugh. We live in a house with no central air, so the evenings are pretty killer. We do have air conditioners, so there is some relief. But since it is finally summer, we have been trying to spend a lot of time outside. A few pictures from the last few weeks:

And from the fourth of July at my parents' house:

To quote my husband: my kids are more patriotic than your kids.

Some news as well: orthodic shoes for Zev. But I'll try to get to that in another post.

Fear continues

2011-06-17T12:29:00.000-04:00

Its still going on.

The 'shadow' has turned into the 'shadow monster'. It seems our curious 3 year old picked up a slightly more advanced picture book at daycare a few days ago, and it had a rather frightening picture of a shadow with evil yellow eyes in it.

Perfect.

Now the shadow monster has come into being. He talks a lot about shadows and the shadow monster. Our approach has been to dissuade him that there is such a thing as a shadow monster (rather than the opposite approach of playing into the fantasy). We've been telling him to talk back to the shadows if they bother him ("You can't hurt me, you're just a shadow), that he isn't alone in the house at night, that his room is safe and nothing can hurt him, and that if he needs mommy and daddy we are right here. He will eventually fall asleep, but still wake up 2-3 times at night crying and running into our room.

At this point it is also manipulation: he wants to come sleep in our room. But we definitely do NOT want to encourage that. So he ends up being brought back into his room, quite unhappy. This goes on a few times until he finally gives in and stays in his room, after much crying and yelling from everyone.

A nightly occurance. Luckily for me, I am used to multiple wakings and little sleep. I lived that life for over a year when I was pumping and pregnant.

Hopefully this is just a phase. But its getting tiring.

Jason took up boxing. There was a Groupon for a discounted month membership at a local boxing gym. Boxing is something I have wanted to do for YEARS. But I was always pregnant/breastfeeding/pregnant/etc. So when I saw this Groupon, I jumped at it. Jason decided he wanted to try it to, so he is going first. Two classes so far, and he really likes it. Its both a stress reduction and a way to get in better physical shape. It leaves me alone with the kids two evenings a week, but that's ok: I'd rather he get the stress relief.

Because, as always, we have stressors. I think we are going to put the girls back in Early Intervention. The initial interview is next week, and then we will schedule an assessment for them. Our pediatrician agreed that it would be ideal to have someone work with them one-on-one since they refuse to walk independently and have only a few words each. They may need someone to force the issue.

I'm not too worried about it. But I do agree that early intervention is a good idea.

Fathers Day is this weekend. I already have my gift for my husband, but I'll have to wait to share it in case he decides to read this between now and then....

Afraid of the dark

2011-06-10T12:56:00.000-04:00

What do you do with a toddler who is afraid of the dark?

I've mentioned before Zev's refusal to go to bed at a 'decent' time. At first, I believe it was because he had been getting very little parent-child time and didn't want to miss out on the 'fun' mommy and daddy were having downstairs after he went to bed.

(yeah, fun. Both of us exhausted, and trust me, there was no 'fun' being had if he was refusing to go to bed...)

Our 'solution' until a few weeks ago had been to turn off all the lights downstairs and watch some television while he laid down on Jason. Eventually he would be too tired to refuse, and he would be brought upstairs. But Iif he was brought up too early, even if he said he wanted to go, he would just come right back downstairs: "Don't want to go to bed". My fear in arguing has always been waking up his sisters, so I generally wimp out and let him stay up pretty late.

But that isn't working anymore. And now it has become something else. He has mentioned 'the shadow' for about a year. Being far more verbal now that he's older, he has been able to say that he doesn't like the shadows in his room. He will point them out and be obviously very afraid. We've tried blocking the shadows with various objects, using different lights, distracting him with his new overhead fan or books, telling him that his 'bear' and 'tiger' will keep him safe... but every night its a battle. Jason talked to his teachers at daycare, and they said they were pretty surprised that someone his age (so young) would have enough imagination to be afraid of the dark...it usually doesn't happen until children are a bit older.

Great. My son has to be 'advanced' in such a way that screws us over.

I do have to add that I feel horrible for him. He's obviously frightened, although I'm sure part of it is a manipulation to stay downstairs as long as possible. But at 3am when he wakes up and comes into our room wimpering because he doesn't want to be in bed, its hard to be sympathetic given that I'm up before 5am. Which of course just makes me feel like a horrible person.

Anyway, the teacher suggested we introduce flashlights to him and let him 'play' with shadows so he understands what they are and that they cannot hurt him. We bought one for him to use at daycare and they are going to work on it with him. He loves it of course; he's seen flashlights before and loves the big utility flashlight Jason has.

Hopefully this will make things easier. Because as I said, we aren't having 'fun' in the evenings if he is refusing to go to bed until we do. Hell, I'd like to just have some nice time with my husband watching some stupid movie on the couch. Or having an adult conversation without hearing "Mommy, watch me!!" as he does something utterly random, the purpose of which is just to make sure he stays in the center of my attention.

"Trust me, Zev. I'm always watching you"

Summer is coming

2011-06-02T15:24:00.000-04:00

Memorial Day weekend was BRUTAL! 90 degrees and very humid. We're still working out our tree issues from last summer, and a fair amount of time was spent shoveling mulch into refuge bags. So far we've bagged 34 bags of mulch. And we haven't even touched the dirt. We have to remove all of the mulch and dirt around the stump before we can get it ground up and removed. It took a weekend to build the wall and lay the dirt and mulch, and its taking much longer to take it all down.

In addition, I do have to say building that retaining wall and garden bed was a heck of a lot more fun than tearing it down. I do enjoy the work, though. I like the physical labor; in another life maybe I would do some kind of landscaping for a career.

Sat, Sun, and Monday mornings were spent sweating over a shovel and mulch. The kids were pretty good at playing in the backyard while we worked. Sunday afternoon we went to a picnic at a friends house in a local suburb. Every time we drive down there we have the 'should we move out here' discussion (cheaper houses, good jewish community). And every time we come to the conclusion that the commute would be too awful to live with.

Lovely time. And thanks to SF for the pictures.

And now its June. Some good news for me: we may have a new diagnosis on what has been bothering my GI system for the last year and a half. A week ago I was woken up with intense, excrutiating chest pain at 1am. I ~~was lucky to be chosen to fulfill my civic duty of jury duty~~ had to go to jury duty the next day and suffered through it. The next few days were episodes of horrific chest and abdominal pain which OTC antacids were not helping. A long visit to the doc concluded in a possible new diagnosis: esophogeal spasms. Everytime I would eat, I would get sharp chest pains similar to a heart attack. Basically, my esophogeal muscles would spasm every time I would swallow anything, including water.

Not a good situation to be in. It made me nauseous, cranky, and very frightened. I'm trying a new medicine which is an antispasmotic, and it is (gasp!) working! No chest or abdominal pain since I started. Unfortunately I am only going to take them for a week, so it remains to be seen if it comes back once I'm off of them. We'll see. I haven't been that good at taking it (it is supposed to be 4x/day, and I don't always forget to take them to work) so I'm going to hope that I won't need them long-term.

Kids are doing great. We've been going on nightly walks with the kids now that the weather is nicer. I have a two child wagon that we cram all three kids in, and we walk around the neighborhood. Daycare is going smoothly, although the girls had a slight 'altercation' there the other day: Tzelia bit Meorah hard enough to leave bite-marks. But I suppose if she's going to bite someone, its better that she bit her sister so I don't have to deal with some other kid's parents. So now two of my three kids are biters (see previous post on Zev's biting habits). At least its confined to family members and inanimate objects....

At least he isn't biting...

2011-05-17T14:52:00.000-04:00

We've been in daycare for about two months now. And Jason just had his second parent-child conference with Zev's teachers.

The first one came after a particularly unusual day: Zev had shown some unusual aggressive behaviors that day and the teachers were concerned. Looking back, we believe it was the Claritin we had given him that morning, and we decided to give it only at night if he seemed to need it. Sure enough, he didn't have any other aggressive behaviors (anti-histamines can have that affect on some people, a warning to all those parents who want to drug out their kids with Benadryl....)

Now it seems that Zev is having a problem 'using his words'. When he wants something, rather than ask for it, he will grab it. And if someone else happens to be holding it, well, sucks to be them...don't they know its ZEV'S TOY? If he does ask for something he says he 'wants that'.
"What?"
"That" (maybe there will be some vague point or wave of a hand).
"Tell me what you want".
"I want THAT".
"What's that?"
"I don't know".

Obviously descriptive words are not part of his vocabulary right now. "I don't know" is the answer to everything:

"What's on the page"
"What did you have for lunch"
"What did you do today"

I believe its just cognitive laziness, as he can be quite insightful when he wants to be or if you ask him the right way. Jason feels perhaps we haven't been stretching him as much as we should be....and perhaps he's right. I admit to being a little too dependent on the daycare situation now: I know they teach him things there and he does a lot of activities, so I've been rather slacking in the home activities. We haven't been as good at reading together or doing crafts or games together. Yes, I have the 'but I have TWINS' excuse...but at the same time I don't want Zev to suffer because I have two 1.5 year olds tugging on my pants 24/7.

So enough venting and time for some problem solving...

There is some time after dinner and before Zev's bedtime we could do some good story time. The girls are already in bed at this point, and it is just Jason, Zev, and me. Perfect time for some individual attention. The limitation is that we are all rather sleepy, but it doesn't take long to read a few books (provided we choose the right books...what was I thinking when I got those Horton books???). I also had bought some workbook activities we could try.

At school they are going to institute a sticker chart: every time Zev uses his words to ask for something he gets a sticker. His perception of reward isn't quite 100%, so I'm not entirely confident that he'll get the concept, but we'll see.

Meanwhile the girls are doing well. ~~Fighting~~ playing together quite nicely. As soon as I pick them up at daycare they come over to me (no, they are not walking!!! They walk on their knees, which is cute but come on...stop being so lazy!!!) and cry and push each other out of the way so each can have sole access to mommy. They fight over who gets to sit in my lap, fight over food if they both have access at the same time (Meorah actually grabbed the whole handful of Goldfish from my hand yesterday and pushed Tzelia away from her while walking (knee-ing?) away triumphantly), fight over toys they both want, etc. But they also play together quite well, trying to feed each other, kiss each other, play peek-a-boo together. Neither will sleep if the other isn't also in the room with her, which makes nap time a little tricky if one isn't sleepy. But we manage.

Still little 'real' words, although their receptive language is fantastic. Whether or not they listen is another story...

"Stop ignoring me, I know you know what I'm saying! Come here!"

So far, words I know they understand

Milk
Up
Daddy
Mommy
Vacuum (Our DustBuster is Tzelia's obsession)
More
Zev
Banana (what is it with kids and bananas? It was Zev's first word)
Down
Meorah
Tzelia
Stop
Come here
Peek-a-boo
Kiss
Hungry
Girls
"Who's here"? (which is what I say when I hear Jason coming up the steps outside)
"Diaper change!"

Tzelia 'speaks' more than Meorah. I thought Jason was going to melt when she said "DA-DEE" after I handed her to him the other day. Most of the time she just squawks loudly like a bird, and a really ugly one at that. Meorah has a softer voice and often just repeats "AH BA BA BA BA BA BA" and then will make raspberry noises while pointing at things randomly...maybe this is where Zev learned it from...

A much longer update, but my opportunies to write seem to be few and far between these days....

happy mother's day

2011-05-10T15:56:00.000-04:00

And a happy one it was.

We have the tradition of doing Mothers Day Brunch at the Westford Regency, which is also where I had my Bat Mitzvah (gasp!) 20 years ago. Its a very nice brunch: buffet style, with an omelette, waffle, and carving stations. Not too much kosher-friendly fare, but good nonetheless.

Me and my cherubs:

Grammie and the Girls

Zev and Grammie (he looks just like his daddy)

Aunt Julia and Tzelia (check out the eyelashes on her!)

I haven't been able to post too many pictures recently because we've been slacking on getting them off the camera and phones. So I'll make a big picture post soon.

Update-wise, things are going well. We think Zev has allergies and have resorted to giving him Claritin occasionally. When we gave it to him in the morning, Jason ended up in his first 'parent/child' conference: seems Zev was pushing and hitting others. Since aggression can be a side-effect, we decided that when we do give it to him, to limit it to the night-time, so the effect is on the downside of the pK curve (can ya tell I work at a pharma company?). He is thriving in daycare and I find it hilarious that he has all these new phrases he didn't have before. The girls are doing equally well, although not walking yet (!!!!). Just a matter of time. We're back in our routine.

On my side, I seem to have bronchitis. I've been coughing non-stop for the last few weeks. And now I find that my abdomen is particularly sore, which I am attributing to all the coughing. I'm debating calling my surgeon to go visit him; recovery from an abdominoplasty can take a year, so I am still under his care. I know someone who broke a rib from coughing too much when she had pneumonia, and while the coughing hasn't been that severe, it has been daily all day, and that's a lot of 'use'. I just don't have a lot of time as it is and don't want to make an appointment...

But I'll probably bite the bullet if the pain doesn't go away in a day or so. I can't make an appointment for this week anyway: too busy at work. And then too busy at home....as usual.

First year molars and utter exhaustion

2011-04-29T15:59:00.000-04:00

I don't remember ever being this tired. I sure I have been...after the Zev or the girls were born, etc. But it has been a LONG LONG time.

Jason has a conference here in Boston for the Oncology Nursing Society. So I was supposed to pick up the girls and Zev after work yesterday. I went (in the rain, of course!!) to get the girls first, and found Meorah screaming in the arms of one of the caregivers. Apparently she started crying about ten minutes prior to my arrival, with no obvious reason. Since I still had to get Zev, I just put both girls in their stroller and ran through the rain to Zev's building. It was easy picking him up, and we drove home, with Meorah screaming most of the way.

She was inconsolable at home, refusing dinner. I couldn't even attempt to put her down without her screaming. Zev, with the lack of empathy that comes with being three, kept asking for dinner and I had to do my best to make him something while holding Meorah (where was Tzelia during all this? She has recently discovered a love for dragging a blanket around and sucking her thumb while walking on her knees...think 'Linus' from Peanuts...so she was somewhere doing that with her coat still on). I got some Tylenol into Meorah and called Jason, telling him he had to come home ASAP.

Since God hates me, by the time he showed up Meorah was acting fine. The Tylenol had kicked in. We still had no idea what was wrong: I had managed to take her temperature, but she didn't have one. She ate and went to bed.

We were awakened at 1am by her screaming. The rest of the night is somewhat of a blurr...I know she went back to sleep after we comforted her, and awoke again at 3am. Jason went into her room and then yelled to me that he didn't know what was wrong with her: she refused to calm down and was now spasming every few seconds or so. We brought her into our room, which did help her calm down. As long as she was laying on me she stayed relatively quiet, but still spasming ocassionally. It was now after 3am. Jason called the on-call doc at our pediatrician's office, and the nurse said the spasms were actually not abnormal and babies often did that if they were very upset. We made an appointment for the following morning to bring her in. After awhile she did calm down enough to be put back in her own crib in her room.

And in the morning she was all smiles. Tired, but no problems having breakfast, and laughing and singing to herself as we drove to daycare. We ended up cancelling the appointment...gave her some Motrin and hoped for the best, leaving her at daycare.

Molars coming in? That's my best guess. They are supposed to come in around one year of age, and she's almost 17 months, 14.5 adjusted. If she'll let me, I'm going to take a look at her mouth tonight.

But in the meantime, I'm absolutely exhausted. I still got up at five to go to the gym and lift (I originally wasn't going to, but I was awake anyway, so figured I may as well go even if it means going through the motions...I'm a sucker for routine). I also have a cold, which doesn't help. Ugh. Seriously, seriously dragging along. You don't want to know how many ~~pots~~ cups of coffee I've had today. And I have a bottle of caffeine powder in my lab that has been teasing me....

Luckily its Friday so tonight is laid back. I don't have to 'prep' anything for tomorrow. Jason is going to be out all day at the conference, so it will just be me and the kids. I asked a few people if they wanted to hang out, but most are busy. Its supposed to be a nice day, so I think we'll play in the yard for awhile. I may try to do some yard clean-up if they'll let me. We'll see.

All I want to do is lay on the couch and watch a movie with Jason. That sounds heavenly about now....

Pictures

2011-04-24T16:06:00.000-04:00

Haven't done some in awhile.

That last one is a picture of us when all three of them were sick. Lovely, huh? Great expression on my face...

Life is....stressful. What else is new. Having a nice Passover, though. We did a little seder at home with just the five of us. A very very very short one. Just long enough until the girls started screaming to go to bed. I'm not sure how much Zev got out of it, but it was amusing watching him eat horseradish root. "Spicy!!"

Off to dinner tonight at some friend's house for a passover-friendly dinner. Then back to the grind for Monday. And it is quite a grind....

Daycare week 2

2011-04-16T11:46:00.000-04:00

Four full days of day care = three sick children.

The week ended with all three children having horrible fevers. My mother in law came to visit last weekend and we had a really nice day out at the local zoo in the afternoon. One of our 'groupon' buys last year was a zoo membership, so we get to go there for free now. I had never been to this particular zoo (Franklin Park Zoo) and it was actually quite nice. We wandered around a little bit and then let the kids play in one of the little playground areas they have there. In the evening, my mother met us and we went out to dinner at a local Japanese restaurant we really like but rarely get to go to (Minado). Jason and I love this place but since its a buffet, unless we have other adults with us we cannot go with the children. And, it is rather $$$! But the food is excellent and it is always crowded and very popular.

So while Saturday was lovely, Sunday we woke up with three sick children. Zev spent the entire day zoned out on the couch with this grandmother. Jason and I escaped for a nice lunch out while she watched the kids (thanks!!). The girls ended up having fevers that evening, so I agreed to stay home with them. We did end up taking them to the doctors Monday morning, and both girls have ear infections. Jason stayed home with all three kids on Tuesday, and everyone was back to work/daycare by Wed.

Ugh.

Zev is still coughing a LOT. He had been on antibiotics and Flonaze for three weeks with sinusitis, but he still sounds horrific. We're going to give him a few more days and if it doesn't improve, take him to the doctor as well. He has a horrible wet cough. The girls, finally, are perked up and feeling better, but it is an...adventure...trying to get them to take their antibiotics. Its a two person job: one of us has to hold them down while the other forces their jaw open to drop the medicine in while the poor thing is crying and squirming. This stuff is supposed to taste good, but they REFUSE to take it unless you force it in. At least we only have a few more days of that.

I went to my 'moms of multiples' group the other evening and am now the 'Welcoming Chair' for my group. I had wanted to be a more active member a few months ago, so when the current chair stepped down, the president asked me if I wanted to step in. I said sure. It isn't that difficult a job: before each monthly meeting with have 'age based discussion rooms', where you go into a room with other MoMs with twins the same age and chat for an hour. They are moderated by volunteers, so I just have to make sure each room has a designated moderator. I also will continue to run the mentoring program and make sure we have someone call new members when new members join to officially 'welcome' them into the club. I also go to board meetings and get to see more of the 'behind the scenes' issues in the club. I thought it would be nice to do: I get to talk to adults, feel like I'm contributing, and have an 'outside interest' other than work.

I sometimes forget that being a twin mom is somewhat 'special' and unique. It isn't until I talk to other mothers of twins that I realize how neat it really is. Its just reality to me. It isn't until I'm out in the world and I'm stopped every 5 feet by a stranger ("you must have your hands full/are they twins/God bless you (my favorite)/you're supermom/etc") that I remember how different it is.

Its also very $$. Money continues to be a big stressor for us right now. We're considering getting rid of a car and our cable. We have cut out going out to dinner unless we already have a coupon. I'm keeping a close eye on our grocery budget, but luckily we already don't buy any real 'junk', so there isn't much to cut down on. Jason may be able to start working some weekend shifts at a local hospital starting in July, and that will be very helpful.

And I suppose we could always sell a kid. Meorah is probably worth the most since she's the easiest, but I could argue that Tzelia is the better long-term investment: she's definitely very smart and analytical already and has MIT or something similar in her future. So if you're willing to put her with her drama-queen antics in the first few years, I think you'd end up with a better deal with her financially.

Or you could take Zev. He's about 90% potty-trained and already somewhat broken-in. We could work out a deal.

Daycare week 1

2011-04-06T16:15:00.000-04:00

The kids started daycare this week. It is going to be a gradual transition. On Monday, they were there for two hours, and on Tuesday they were there for four hours. Today (Wed) the teachers have a meeting, so I am home with them. Tomorrow they will be there for six hours, and then they will be there full-time by Friday.

My thoughts so far:

Zev: Zev is in love. The first day we brought him in, he took one look at the toys and didn't even say good-bye. He was off and running. It helps that he had friends there. The father of one of them emailed me later that day and told me when he dropped off his daughter, "Zev was having the time of his life, and he and Ellie were thrilled to see each other". He did tell me that evening that "I was looking for mommy and she wasn't there". I told him mommy didn't go to school anymore and that she went to work. The second day he almost exploded with excitement when we pulled up.

I think he'll be fine.

The girls: No worries there either. No crying, no yelling, no sobbing when we left. The director was surprised. They got 'A+s' on their sheet. Did great both days. The teachers expect Meorah to walk any day now...they are working on it with her already. They say that Tzelia is the fastest one there, even though she isn't walking (doesn't surprise me...the girl is FAST!).

They'll be fine.

What can I say: there are no introverts in my family. Social butterflies and flirts, all of them.

More practical stuff: It is a PAIN packing everything up the day before. Snacks, milk, diapers, etc. Ugh. It makes the evenings much more difficult and the mornings a bit more complicated. Drop off can be anytime between 7 and 8. Previously, Nicole was coming over around 8:15-30, and now we need to be out of the house by 7:30. So the kids' schedule has moved up half an hour. I still get up at the same time, but it means the morning routine is slightly more rushed.

It also doesn't help that the kids are actually in different buildings across the street from each other. What we are planning on doing: we all go in the minivan to drop off the kids. Jason will take Zev or the girls, and I will take the other. Jason will then continue to work from there (its a 20 minute walk or a 5 minute bus ride) and I will continue to work from there in the minivan; the daycare is slightly out of my way, but not horribly. For pick-up, either we'll meet there together, or I'll go pick up the girls and Jason can pick up Zev himself and they can both take the bus. We haven't figured that out yet.

Overall it was a good choice. Zev will get a lot out of it and I think the girls will too.

We are still trying to set up a 'good-bye' conversation with Nicole over the phone. We have been playing phone tag. She sent me an email a few days ago asking how the kids were doing and saying how much she missed them and thought about them every day. We got contacted by the DA's office, who wants to know if we are interested in continuing the trial. While it isn't our decision, they will take our opinion into consideration. Her pre-trial hearing is in May.

So things are settling into their new normal. Slowly but surely....

On an unrelated note, I"m so glad its spring again. This cold weather is just killing me. And, I am going to my first board meeting for my moms of multiples group tonight: they asked me to be the support chair since the old one was moving and I said sure. I like being involved and it will be nice to become more familiar with some of the women in my group. Not that I need more things on my schedule.....

Continuing the update

2011-03-26T11:04:00.000-04:00

First, thank you for the support. Its amazing how many people have come out to talk to me. People I run into are shocked...some of them had even seen the report and were surprised: "That was YOU??!"

I am lucky to have support at work and from friends and family. Its been a long week.

I had set up some interviews with possible nannies and Jason and I also decided to check out a local daycare that friends of ours use. This is the third time I've had to do a nanny search, and for those who have never done it....its exhausting. I'm a member of www.care.com, and I posted an ad and received easily over a dozen responses. Then I made the ~~mistake~~ decision to post an ad on craigslist, and all the crazies came out. It was a full time job sorting through them all...in this economy everyone is looking for a job.

So I saw one girl alone when I was home with the kids on Wed afternoon. She was ok...a former au pair whose English was only so-so. Not ideal. Then we had another girl come Wed night and Jason and I spoke to her. She was fine. Young, would probably do a good job. It reminded me of when we were looking for a summer nanny...the kind of girls I had coming over are similar to Meredith: young, some experience but not a ton, lots of enthusiasm, etc. And cheap. Ha.

Then we saw the daycare on Thursday afternoon. Its a private daycare run by a nice woman from Peru. A very open and loosely styled facility, but also with the proper amount of structure. Lots of activities for all the ages. She is willing to barter with us, so we would actually pay less than her going rate (I know people in the US are usually afraid to ask for discounts, but you'd be surprised by how many people are willing to work with you). The time is great: 7am to 6pm. It is more money than we were paying Nicole, so that would be a major downside. Also, the practicalities of getting three children out the door and to a daycare are more involved than simply having a nanny come over. The daycare is on the way to Jason's work, so we would all go, drop off the children, and then we would each go to work. We could probably do something similar for pick-up.

I had scheduled someone to come Thursday night, but she was a no-show. Jason saw a CPA Thursday night concerning our taxes. We are totally screwed for this year (long story, but our increase in salary means we lost some deductions and we now owe somewhere in the four-figure range to the government this year). While we can't fix that, we can figure out what we need to do for next year to prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately it will probably mean even LESS out of our paychecks, which is horrible timing when we're already considering a more expensive daycare option.

We've gone back and forth on the pros/cons of nanny vs daycare. But what it really comes down to is: what is best for the kids? Obviously we can't make a choice that will totally bankrupt us, but we are willing to be a little 'in the red' for the next two-three years while all three of the kids are in daycare. Zev is three, so we've got just a few years where this will be an issue. Once he's five he'll be in public school.

Our decision so far: we're going to try the daycare for six months. We'll see how the money works out. And if it isn't working, we can then take our time to find a good nanny rather than rushing through the process right now. In the meantime we are doing MAJOR budget examinations to see what we can cut down on. We already stopped going out to eat, but there are other things we can try: getting rid of cable (we can use Hulu or some other program to download the one or two programs we watch..we actually don't really watch TV and I'd be fine not watching it at all), getting rid of one of our cars, decreasing our membership to the YMCA to a single + family or just single for me, etc. Little changes that add up. I'm going to go through our groceries and see if we could possibly get cheaper options at Costco and do some comparison shopping. We already use cloth diapers and I already get most of the children's clothes used. Our main output (other than mortgage and childcare) are groceries and health-related things, which we could also possibly cut back on.

I do feel better now that we have a tentative plan. Department of Family Services is doing a home-visit on Thursday. We spoke to Nicole on Monday night to officially let her know she was fired. Jason spoke to a social worker to get some advice on how to handle this and we spoke to Zev and told him that Nikki would not be coming to see him anymore; she is going to stay home to watch her daughter, but she loves him and misses him. We also asked him if he remembered being in the car (and this is where I almost cried):

Jason: Zev, do you remember being in the car?
Zev: Yes, I was in the car and I wanted to get out and I was crying
Jason: Well, Zev, that was not supposed to happen. You are not supposed to be left alone in a car. That was a mistake. If someone leaves you in a car alone, you need to tell Mommy or Daddy, ok?
Zev: yeah...you can't play with playdough when the sisters are downstairs or they'll try to eat it

(obviously he wasn't paying all that much attention to the conversation)

We're going to try to have him talk to Nikki on the phone so he can say good-bye.

Its just very sad. But I am feeling better...

Horrible update

2011-03-22T06:38:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated because we've been in crisis mode.

My nanny was arrested last Thursday.

I got a call from my husband on my way home from work: she was arrested for leaving the children in our locked minivan. The kids were being transported to the ER at a local hospital. That was all he knew at the time, but I was to go to the hospital to meet them all there.

Great. WTF?

Long story short: Nicole had had the kids in the minivan and stopped on her way to pick up her daughter at a local strip mall near her house. She left the kids in the minivan. People saw the three children in the car alone, and started to panic. Someone called the cops and some EMTs also arrived. That was when she came out of the mall and was arrested. The children were taken out of the minivan and transported to the hospital to be looked at. Nicole was arrested and taken away. It was all caught on a local news station and played on that afternoon news, the evening news, and the afternoon news the following day. Close-ups of them arresting Nicole, taking my kids out of my car (faces blurred, obviously), etc.

They are estimating the kids were in the car for anywhere from 35-45 minutes. It was about 60 degrees outside, and they all had temps of just over 99 when the EMTs got to them. According to the news report they were red, flushed, sweaty, and crying. We ended up in the ER for a few hours because the cops left the minivan in the parking lot, and we didn't have anything to go pick up it...so Jason had to drive home to get our second pair of keys, go get the minivan, leave my car in the lot, and then drive back to the hospital so we could install the car seats the EMTs removed, take everyone back to the parking lot to pick up my car, and then go home.

The kids are fine. The ER at the hospital was incredible. They made us sandwiches, got us apple juice, put on a movie, and got me a college volunteer to help play with my kids while I freaked out in the corner of the room.

Nicole went to court the following day and was formally charged with abuse and neglect. She has a 'stay away' order and cannot come near my children until her next court date in May.

Obviously she can no longer work for us. I fluctuate between depression and anger. I was furious all day Friday and Saturday. Then I was depressed. Then furious again. We spoke to her last night to let her know formally we couldn't keep her on. Department of Family Services has opened a case and they will be doing a home visit with us. We haven't heard from the cops at all, and I haven't even read the official police report: all I know is what I saw on the news (which I keep watching over and over again...).

I feel bad for her. I feel bad for my kids. I feel bad for myself and Jason who now have to find another nanny ASAP. I have already set up interviews. We're also looking into daycares just to explore that option.

And that's all I have to say about that right now...... Just....WTF.....

being the mother of twins...

2011-03-06T21:06:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd say it, but its actually sometimes easier being a mother of multiples than a mother of a singleton.

Jason had taken Zev out yesterday morning for most of the morning. I got the girls up, fed them breakfast, and then it was just the three of us. Unlike when Zev was a young toddler and I would have to entertain him, the girls actually just entertained each other. I was able to do some cleaning and some organizing while they played with each OTHER, chasing each other around the rooms, playing with blocks together, playing peek-a-boo in and out of a box together, etc. It was quite cute. And once again I became a little envious...that 'twin' relationship is pretty special. They are learning very early how to play with others and have already developed a very special bond even though they are only a year old. Its really nice to watch.

This is something I worry about for Zev: since he isn't in daycare, he doesn't get as much of a chance to play with children his age. Yesterday we had a playdate with a neighbor who has boy twins his age. She also has a nanny, so is in the same predicament. We chatted a bit about it...how to keep the boys active, different activities that are local we could get involved in, how to have them play with others, and the limitations of having a nanny. She is pregnant and having her third, so soon she'll be in the same boat I was in a few months ago, when it even becomes difficult for the nanny to get out of the house with a young baby as well as the twins. Poor Nicole has been pretty stuck in the house with the girls being so young and the weather so bad. But finally the weather is getting better, and I hope she can get out more. I did find a playgroup for her to check out, and Zev is in a class on Wed mornings at our YMCA that is an intro-to-sports class. I think that, and playing at local parks once the weather gets better, will help.

I was asked to be a board member of my local Moms of Multiples club, doing the Support Chair. I'm still considering it. It would basically mean making sure the support group meetings have their leaders (our monthly meetings start out broken into groups by age, and my job would just be to make sure that each group has their leader available, and if not that the back-up is there). I could do that. There are actually only a few meetings left in the year, since we don't meet over the summer. I like being involved. My only hesitations are that I don't get a chance to get to the monthly meetings all the time since they are a bit of a commute for me, and that I don't really 'define' myself as a 'twin mom' like many do. Maybe because I already had a child? But while my girls are great, I'm not really into the 'twin-thing'...I don't buy matching clothes, or try to find 'twin' things. But at the same time, I think being more involved would be nice. I suppose I could try it, I just don't want to make the commitment and not be able to keep it.

Not too much else. Busy busy. Work has now become even more stressful, but that's a post for another time. Having more financial issues, which is worrisome. I suppose that's just never going to go away, though. We're in the yucky situation where we make too much money to take advantage of certain benefits, but not enough to retire young. Wouldn't that be nice.....

Pictures!!

2011-02-25T21:33:00.000-05:00

Finally updated my iPhoto....

Zev has been wanting to take a bath with his sisters. I tell him he's going to regret that some day...

I have no idea what she's eating here.

Pretty sure that's either cottage cheese or cream cheese on her face.

Zev has started climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night. I actually don't mind it, even though he snores like an obese man with sleep apnea.

Its hard to believe how different they look. You'd never guess they were sisters, never mind twins.

They're all getting so big.

home again with the kiddos

2011-02-22T11:45:00.000-05:00

Nicole's daughter was sick this morning, so I had to stay home with the kiddos. The girls are currently napping and Zev is watching the Muppet Movie. So I'm a bad mom. Sue me.

I have to upload some pictures...we've actually been taking a few. The girls are getting bigger and bigger. Well, Meorah is getting bigger and bigger. Tzelia still hasn't broken 17 lbs. We did finally switch out the car seats, so both girls are now in convertible car seats. Still rear-facing, which makes it a big pain to put them in and out of the car, but rear-facing is the safest. We have the girls in the third row and Zev in the captain's chair in the second row. Unfortunately we have to use this set-up since Nicole needs the second captain's chair for her daughter when she brings my kids to pick up her daughter from day care on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It would probably be easier to have Zev in the third row, but that's not an option. Oh well.

Tzelia has turned into quite the bully. For a little thing, she has a mean streak in her. Last night I caught her beating Meorah in the head with her sippy cup, and we have a great video of her beating Meorah with a take-out container. If Meorah has a toy she wants, she'll just rip it out of her hands. Meorah doesn't stand up for herself, which she really should learn how to do. I encourage her to smack her back (ha), but she just sits there and cries, looking for help.

(I really do intervene and comfort her, so don't think I'm completely heartless)

Zev is still working on potty-training. He's great at peeing while he's at home, but needs encouragement to actually poop in the potty. When we're out in public, we put him in underwear and plastic pants (pull-ups are too much like diapers, IMO, so I don't use them) and try to remember to bring him into a bathroom every half hour or so. Its a process.... Its hard for him when he's busy playing because he isn't thinking about it. We had a pot-luck brunch this last weekend and he did have one accident. We're getting there.

Yes, we had a brunch. We have a lot of friends with kids around the same age as ours, so we thought it would be fun to have a bunch of people over with their kids and try to get a regular brunch going. It was a lot of fun. Our house was trashed, but it was worth it. I think we ended up with about six or seven kids, plus their parents. The kids all played very well together. Hopefully someone will offer to host another one in a few weeks.

Not too much else. Just hanging in there. Every day is like another...which for now is a good thing...

catching up

2011-02-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

No photos, but I haven't written in awhile so I thought I should try to catch up with a few things.

On a fun note, Jason and I actually went out for a date this past Saturday. GASP, OMG!! Friends of ours were having a combined birthday party, so we went out to dinner and then went to the party. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to last for very long and I warned Jason that I would probably start pooping out around 10pm. We had a nice dinner and then got to the party...and next thing I knew it was 10:30. I was shocked that I was still coherent. We did leave then and I think I ended up getting to bed around midnight.

How unlike me. For once I actually didn't feel like a parent.

We had our old summer nanny come and babysit while we were out. I would only trust two people other than myself and my husband to be able to put the kids to bed: Nicole and Meredith. So Meredith came over with her boyfriend and they hung out with the kids for about an hour, put them all to bed, ordered pizza and watched TV. Easy night for them. I'd tell you how much we paid them, but I shudder to think about it. Lets just say it was more than our dinner out.

That's another reason why we don't go out much...

Jason took Zev to see the Muppet Movie Saturday morning. It was playing as a 'family friendly' movie at a local independent theater and they went with some friends who have children his age. It was a nice treat for him; we don't allow Zev to really watch TV, so he has no idea who many of the current cartoon characters are (and thus neither do I). He knows Sesame Street, the Muppets, and Mickey Mouse through a lot of the songs that we play or books that we have. But he doesn't watch any children's television. So I initially had some doubts that he would be able to sit through a movie, but he did a good job. He likes Kermit and Fozzie, and was actually Kermit for Halloween (if you see that post, I have a few pictures of him dressed up).

I've been concerned that he hasn't been able to get out of the house that often, given the horrible snow. Nicole can't really take all three out with the minivan in the current conditions, so Zev has been stuck at home. I am trying to make more weekend plans for him to get out of the house, even if he can only go with one of us and the other stays home with his sisters. And this way he also gets to spend some one-on-one time with each of us individually (and so do his sisters, but I think they care less about that).

The girls are doing very well. Still a little concern about Tzelia and her size: at 14 months she only weighs 16.25 lbs. Meorah weighs 3 lbs more than she does, and while she is small as well, it makes Tzelia look absolutely tiny. At that party, some friends had brought their 4 month old who weighed more than Tzelia (although granted, he was a big boy). I'm not overly concerned, as she is healthy and does eat and drink well...she's very active (lethargy would be a bad sign) and very opinionated and extremely verbal. They will have their 15 month appointment in a month or so, and we'll see what their doctor has to say about it.

More snow coming in this week. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it....

becoming more mobile....

2011-01-31T14:53:00.000-05:00

There's my happy girl....eating a bagel....

In the Emergency Room at Children's Hospital Boston. Which is a nice way of saying that we learned (the hard way) that she can now climb a flight of stairs.

We usually go out to dinner on Saturday nights. We have had many people say that we're brave for doing so (to which I usually say: its either this or they trash the house). Around 5:30 on Saturday, I was getting ready to pack the diaper bag and went upstairs to go to the bathroom. Zev, finding the bathroom habits of other people fascinating, followed me upstairs. I didn't close the lower gate on the stairs because..well, the thought didn't even enter my head. Jason was on the computer doing some IT assistance for a friend remotely. While in the bathroom, I hear: bang bang bang, CRASH, SCREAM, 'OH MY GOD', WAAIIILLLL...

I run downstairs and find Meorah on the floor and Jason already scooping her up. Tzelia is kneeling next to her, and I assume Zev was somewhere behind me. Meorah is screaming and her ear is bleeding. Tzelia then starts to cry (out of sympathy?), and I pick her up.

Meorah (who is a mommy's girl) had tried to follow me upstairs and actually made it about 3/4 of the way. At that point, she somehow tumbled all the way back down, heels over head, and hit the bottom of the stairs. It looked like her ear was perferated, so Jason wanted to bring her to the Emergency Room ("Why you?" "It makes more sense for me to do it". "Why?" "Because I'm the health care professional"), so he left with Meorah, leaving me with Tzelia and Zev.

Dinner plans abandoned.

They ended up staying in the Emergency Room for four hours for observation. Meorah was fine (her ear was just scratched badly, but was bleeding a lot), but they wanted to watch her and make sure she was really ok. That picture is her enjoying a bagel from Au Bon Pain, which luckily was still open.

Two lessons learned: First, we now have to close the gate on the stairs.

Second, DAMN having only two kids in the house is a piece of cake! I don't want to hear anyone who only has two children complain to me again. I fed both Tzelia and Zev, we played awhile ("Don't hit your sister! Daddy took the minivan so I can't take you to the hospital!"), and both kids were in bed by 8pm. Nice and easy.

I did feel badly for Tzelia. She was much quieter than usual...no sister to torment (yes, she is the bully of the two). I think she missed her other half.... Its so nice to see them play together, and this was the first time they spent much time apart. It was only a few hours, but they are ALWAYS together. Jason told me later he actually enjoyed just being out with Meorah and spending 1-1 time with her. We'll have to make it a habit to take them out individually, as hard as that may be.

And one final (although funny/awful) thought: if I had to pick a child to fall down the stairs, I would pick Meorah. She's the happiest of the three (see picture again). I told Jason later: We should be glad it wasn't Tzelia...the drama queen would never let us forget it. She stubs her finger and she'll wail for an hour. She'd still be bitching about falling down the stairs at her 13th birthday party....

Winter WTF?

2011-01-27T11:23:00.000-05:00

I'm from MA originally. I grew up in northern MA, went to college outside of Boston, and minus a few years spent out in Indianapolis, have lived here my whole life. So you would think I'd be used to the winter and snow.

But seriously....WTF?

In the last three weeks, we've been hit with three major snow storms. For the last two, I stayed home with the kids since our nanny couldn't make it in (or rather, we told her not to come for her own driving safety). Since Jason is an 'essential employee', that usually means by default I have to stay home.

But not today. I've been feeling extremely guilty about missing so much work. So we agreed that for the next storm, I could go into work and he would stay home. I stayed home long enough for him to shovel out our driveway and cars and got myself into work. Only two hours late, which isn't bad considering the level of snow outside. I still debated going in: I have a bad cold and don't have anything essential that has to be done today. But I thought it would be more important to show my face and knew that it was going to be a quiet day since about 30% of people were probably going to have to stay home.

As I was deciding whether or not to come into work, Jason told me if I did not to worry about him because 'he would be fine with the kids'. Which leads me to this post:

Of course he would. The thought never entered my mind otherwise. And I think that's something that makes our family a little unusual.

Most of my (girl) friends with kids complain about their husbands. Now, I may complain as well, but my complaints mainly center around his inability to put things away (laundry, the can opener, opened mail that is left sitting around which obviously is just spam, etc). But one thing I never have to complain about is his parenting. He is a very involved father, which I think (even in this day and age) is rather unusual.

Some of it is just a consequence of all the health problems I've had. While on bedrest, I couldn't be a parent: Jason had to take over all the parenting and cooking/cleaning for the three months I was out of commission. After the girls were born, I had to recover from the c-section and the complications of that surgery. That was follwed shortly by my bout of pneumonia, where I spent almost two weeks in bed. And then again when I was in recovery for my surgery last fall and couldn't pick up anything for two months. So of the last year, there was a good five months where I could not physically be a parent to my children.

And someone had to take over. I felt horribly guilty at the time, and I know Jason was completely burnt out. It was definitely not a fun period. But never did I worry about his parenting skills. Because even if I had not been out of commission, I believe it is just part of his personality to be such an active parent. He is, after all, in a caring profession: a nurse practioner. Helping and caring for others is just what he does. Now, we may not make the same parenting decisions, but his way isn't wrong and my way isn't right...they are just 'different'. And the things we differ on are the small things that really don't matter too much anyway.

We probably are a good example of a 50/50 parenting relationship. I do all the meal planning and cooking for the kids. He does laundry (although it may take awhile for it to be put away....see above). We both do discipline...but I think he's better at it than I am. We both do the feeding, although while I was pumping he would do the majority of the girls' feeding. In terms of household, I do the daily cleaning and he does a fair amount of 'major' cleaning when it needs to get done...mopping, scrubbing, etc. He does the shoveling/trash while I do the groceries. I put Zev to bed and he puts the girls to bed...and that seems to change daily on which one of those is the worst (although right now Zev seems to be winning, hands-down).

So when people ask how I do it, I probably should answer: with the help of my husband. I really couldn't do it alone. Perhaps when people ask, they are assuming I do it all alone...or at least 80% of it. I can barely manage the 50% I do, so I have to give a shout out and a thank you to my husband...

Couldn't do it without you. If you die, I'm going to have to kill you.

Happy Birthday, Zev!!

2011-01-17T12:21:00.000-05:00

My son turned three last week. We had a little party for him:

Scary how that doll is the size of Tzelia... who has yet to break 16 pounds, by the way. Her sister outweighs her by about three pounds. The little peanut...

Now that Zev is three, the pacifier has been taken away. Its been a rough week. I spent the few weeks up to his birthday telling him that once he was three, the 'wa-wa' (his pet name for it) goes away. He only had been using it to sleep at night, and I was anticipating a rough transition. I was right. The first night resulted in an hour of screaming, ending in him sleeping in our bed. The second night was another hour of screaming, both in his room and in the hall way, ending in me sitting on his floor next to his bed in the dark until he fell asleep. The third night was a repeat of the second night. The fourth night, I knew he wasn't going to fall asleep quickly, so after sitting with him for about ten minutes, I told him I needed to go have dinner, but that I would check in on him in a little bit. Some more crying, but that seemed to work ok. The fifth night was a repeat of the fourth night. Night six there was no arguing after I told him I'd go back up and check on him. Last night was the same.

So it seems things are slowly getting there. Tonight will be one week, and hopefully it will continue to go well.

Thinking ahead, Tzelia doesn't use a pacifier at all: she sucks her thumb when she sleeps. Meorah does use a pacifier only when she sleeps, so we're going to have to come up with another plan for her in the future.

We're also working on pull-ups over underwear for Zev. Great tip from a friend: the problem with the pull-ups is that they are too much like diapers. But you need the protection in case of accidents. So we've been doing pull-ups over the underwear when we go out...this way he still feels it if he has an accident. We've only been doing this the last few days, and while we're home he still runs around in his underwear and no pants to make it easy for him. But he's gotten better at using his potty. We're getting there. Sometimes he'll take the initiative and sit by himself, and sometimes we have to remind him, but we get very few accidents at home now...the only time that's happened is when he's been really upset about something, and I think he just loses control while he's crying.

The girls are doing great. Tzelia is beating up on Meorah, and its kind of interesting to see their personalities start to come out. Tzelia is the dominant girl and will often grab things away from Meorah, who then just sits there and cries while looking up at you for help. But usually they play together well. My biggest issue with them right now is feeding: they have different palates, and its a pain to try to figure out what to make them without making two completely different meals. Once again, everything is just more complicated when you multiply it by two....

The terrible threes....again. And feeding twins.

2011-01-09T21:08:00.000-05:00

Yes, he's almost three. In two days he'll be three.

And today was a trying day. Zev has been 'acting out' a bit: throwing his toys, refusing to stop when told, and pushing his sisters when they get in his way or start to bother him. He gets frustrated and can't tame his instincts. I know that. But at the same time, we can't allow him to do these sorts of behaviors. This morning was a turntable of him hitting his sister, being told to have a time out, him refusing to sit in his 'time out area', Jason taking him upstairs and locking the gate, him screaming to be brought back downstairs, refusing to sit in his time out area again...rinse and repeat. I know the key is consistency, but I admit its hard when he is so defiant. Sigh. Luckily mornings like these are few and he is generally a good boy and is pretty easy and behaves well. Everyone has off days.

The girls are becoming so much fun, though. They play 'peek-a-boo' with each other, which is just precious. They will stand on either side of a door and peek at each other and laugh. Tzelia now can wave good-bye, and I find that adorable. Meorah hasn't done that yet...she just claps all the time: 'I'll stick with what I know'. And it seems that Tzelia is gaining weight again, thank goodness. I've been working on expanding their food choices...some failures but some successes. Its pretty hard feeding twins...they each have very different palates and very different food behaviors. Meorah will shove anything in her mouth. But, if she doesn't like it, you have to watch out: she'll spit it right in your face. Projectile. And then laugh. Tzelia will slowly examine every new food closely, put it to the tip of her tongue, and then if she doesn't want it, fling it across the room. She loves bread, which Meorah likes 50% of the time. Meorah hates being spoonfed, but Tzelia will without a problem. The only thing they agree on is bananas: definitely the #1 food for both. Watching their reactions to even seeing a banana is hysterical. You would think they won the lottery.

I've been sick the last few days. I took off Friday in hopes to nip it in the bud, but that was pretty much a failure. I did sleep in a bit this weekend, which I never do. I'm trying to get better at rest when I need it...something I definitely need practice on.

But back to work tomorrow.... hopefully I'll be feeling a bit better then.

Happy New Year

2011-01-03T16:25:00.000-05:00

A few days ago.... but lets not be too anal.

We didn't do anything for the new year. With three children under three, staying up until midnight is not a goal of mine. In fact, it generally means something has gone horribly wrong. If I can be asleep by 10:30, I am a happy camper.

So we didn't do too much. I did want to go to a local zoo: they have an exhibit called 'Zoo Lights' they run from Thanksgiving - New Years, with lots of Christmas lights on some of the exhibits. It doesn't start until 5pm, so I couldn't recommend it to our nanny for an activity. We went there and spent about an hour walking through their lights display and riding a carousel. They had a big display of Santa Claus, to which Zev asked (rather loudly) "Who is that?". I said, "His name is Santa Claus", and left it at that. At some point I'll have to explain the whole 'Christmas thing', but he's too young to understand it anyway. I've been calling the lights 'Holiday lights' when we've been driving around at night, and he likes them. I don't bother to explain them, and being only three, he didn't ask. Now he's noticed they are gone, and I just tell him the holiday is over and they'll be back next year.

After the Zoo Lights, we went out to dinner. The girls are now big enough to sit in high chairs, so dinner has become rather fun. They love sitting across from each other and interacting with us, and its fun to give them spoons and straws to play with. We went out to dinner the following evening with my father and sister for my sister's birthday, and again had a really good time with them. Tzelia has actually been drinking much better and has gained weight. She's also been happier, so we think it may have been a teething issue: she now has 4 teeth, compared to Meorah's 2. She weighed in at just under 16 lbs yesterday, having gained about 5 ounces this past week. Whew.

Jason has been sick for two weeks, but it looks like he's finally coming around the bend. I've been courting some virus and actually spent a fair amount of yesterday in bed. I try not to feel guilty about that. I have today off and have been spending it on my 'to do list'. Jason told me to do something fun, but crossing things off my list IS fun for me. Not very restful, I'll admit, but things need to be done and I never have the time to do them. Weekends are family time, not 'clean out under our bed and battle the dust-bunnies' time. Or, my next to do: 'scavenger hunt for all the missing pacifiers'...how is it I KNOW we have at least a dozen, but I can only find three at any given time?

Do I have any resolutions? It is that time of year...

Believe it or not, I am trying to relax more. I do feel less guilty when I relax on weekends. That's an improvement. I find my stress level decreasing some, but that could also be the anti-anxiety meds I put myself on...gotta love the drugs. I'm not ashamed of being on them: I work full time, have three young children, am a home owner, and am an employer myself. I've been on Celexa in the past, and recently I've been feeling even more stressed than normal. I asked Jason if he thought I was anxious, and he said I radiated anxiety whenever I walked into a room. Not a good sign. So a month ago I asked for a prescription again from my primary physician. The other day I asked Jason if he noticed a difference, and he made no hesitation in saying yes: I no longer have a scattered 'busy' look all the time...before I was always looking for something to do, always distracted, always moving and vibrating. Now I'm able to sit much more easily. I think that's a good sign. So I think my main resolution is to continue to try to relax and be mindful. Enjoy my family time with my husband and children and try not to let the 'small stuff' overwhelm me too much. I'm going to start seeing my therapist again (tomorrow) and will chat with her about how often to meet up to try to keep things under control. I want to try to come up with some strategies to continue to keep my daily stress at bay and stay as emotionally and physically healthy as I can. 2010 was a bitch of a year, both physically and mentally. I'd like 2011 to not follow in those foot-steps.

Happy be-lated new year.

Stuck in a blizzard...

2010-12-28T15:32:00.000-05:00

The city of Boston was hit with about 18 inches of snow the day after Christmas. While I had planned to go into work, the city was declared a 'state of emergency', and the mayor recommended that all non-essential workers stay home and off the roads.

I am a non-essential worker.

Nicole is a non-essential worker.

Jason is an essential worker.

I lose.

We actually had a nice day. The kids did decide to tag team naps, however. The girls are still taking two naps a day, while Zev takes one. Which means they alternated and at least one child was always awake. As I said to Jason later: I'm not sure which is harder...entertaining one three year old or entertaining two one year olds. Especially when you don't rely on television.

Zev was up at 7 and we had breakfast. I got the girls up by 8 and Jason ran out as soon as possible to account for the snowy roads. I did let Zev play out in the snow while the girls and I watched from inside. While the girls were napping, I raided the craft bag and we did some glitter pens, stickers, markers, puff-balls, glue, pasta shapes...quite artistic! By that time the girls woke up and everyone had lunch. I kicked Zev upstairs to nap by promising him a bath when he woke up. Then the girls and I played, which consisted of me laying on the floor and letting them climb all over me and stick their (grimey) hands in my face and mouth, while pulling my hair. I delayed their nap as long as I could, knowing that once I brought them upstairs, Zev would wake up. Sure enough, I brought them up at 3:20...and at 3:25 Zev came down. I then delayed HIS bath as long as I could, knowing he would just wake them up when he got in the water and started splashing around and yelling. By 4:30, Zev was in the tub and the girls were awake. By 5:15 the girls were having dinner, and by 5:30 Jason was home.

And I was wiped.

Some recent pictures, a few from the night before when the snow started, and the other two from the indoor playground we go to.

Our Christmas was nice. We went to my sister's house for her annual Christmas Eve open house. The kids were well-behaved. We bummed around the house for the rest of the weekend, due to the snow. And now things are back to normal. No major plans for the New Year...I'm lucky if I'm still awake by 11pm....

a few photos from the party

2010-12-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

I admit we were really bad at taking pictures at the girls' birthday. Luckily my mother shot some:

Tzelia cut her third tooth. Jason had commented on how 'behind' she was compared to Meorah...and then she went out and cut a tooth. She's been fantastically needy recently, and perhaps this is why. She has always been a very needy girl, so it could just be a coincidence. Its interesting how similar Meorah is to Zev, and how different Tzelia is to the two of them. Both Meorah and Zev are very independent and generally happy children. While I wouldn't say Tzelia is UNhappy, she is definitely more clutchy and more emotional compared to the other two. Both Meorah and Zev (when he was their age) are content to play alone and never complain unless they're hungry. Tzelia doesn't seem to like to be alone: she will look towards an adult in the room to make sure they are there. Only then is she ok to be alone. But even then there are times she will only be happy if she is playing on your lap. Meorah (and Zev) can't stand to be held for that long...they'd rather be off and playing somewhere.

Its just interesting.

We are a little concerned about Tzelia. She hasn't gained any weight in a month. She eats fine, better than Meorah sometimes. But she doesn't drink. We started tracking her fluid intake today because we are also noticing she has significantly less wet diapers. We don't want her to be dehydrated, but I hesitate to give her water because it will just fill her up and she'd eat even less. Her doc isn't concerned yet, but we're supposed to keep an eye on her. Today she was about 15.5 lbs, compared to Meorah's almost 19. Meorah herself isn't all that big, but compared to Tzelia she seems huge. I'm not horribly worried, mainly because she is still healthy and does eat quite well. I make them the same foods for their meals, so I am trying to compensate for Tzelia and give her more of the solids, knowing she'll take less milk later. If that doesn't work, I'm going to have to spike her food with milk powder or something.

Nothing really planned for the upcoming holidays. We don't celebrate Christmas, but we usually go to an old family friend's house for the day. Unfortunately they had to cancel due to family illness, so I'm pretty disappointed. Since it means my dad is free as well, we'll probably do something with him for the day. And no New Years plans either, although its my sister's birthday and I have to still get her something. She also usually has a Christmas Eve open house, and I need to find out if she is having that again. If so, we'll of course go: we had a lot of fun at her house for Thanksgiving.

Spent the day trying to clean. And it looks like it may finally snow a bit. I like looking at it, but hate the cold. In my next life, I'm going to live somewhere nice and warm....

40 days of my life

2010-12-14T06:49:00.000-05:00

I officially stopped pumping a few days ago. Since then, two things:

1) I am VERY VERY uncomfortable. I had to sleep in a bra last night, and God forbid something bump into me. Painful, painful, painful. Hello boobage.

2) I don't know what to do with myself. I used to give up my lunch hour to take breaks during my work day to pump, and now I don't have to. I got used to shoveling down half of my lunch in 20 minutes while pumping (and then the other half during another pumping session), that I've forgotten how to actually TAKE a lunch hour. So now I'm still eating in 15 minutes and just go back to work...and realize I'm not actually taking a designated 'lunch time'. While I'm certainly more productive, its probably better for me if I actually TAKE a break during the day. And then when I get home, I realize I DON'T have to worry about when I'm going to pump, that I CAN sleep in an extra half an hour, etc. Weird.

It was the second point that made me wonder how many hours I actually spent pumping.

So I did a rough estimate. Granted I pumped a lot more in the beginning, and less at the end, but I figure this will be a decent estimate:

For most of the year, I pumped 8x/day. For roughly 20 minutes a session...closer to 45 in the morning, and maybe 15 at the end of the day. If you do the math, that's about 950 hours of my life. Or about 40 days.

I spent 40 days of 2010 attached to that damn pump. That's 10% of my year.

Give me a freaking medal already.

Happy Anniversary!

2010-12-12T21:09:00.000-05:00

Its the one year anniversary of my blog. Happy anniversary to me. I can't believe I've kept it up for this long. I'm glad I did...its been a long year. And, despite all the heart ache, trials and tribulations, and rough times...its actually ending pretty well.

Perhaps its fitting that we had the girls' birthday celebration today, then. It went surprisingly well. Jason's mom came over the day before and took Zev out for lunch while Jason and I scrubbed the house down. And today we had a fair amount of friends, family, and kids come over to help us celebrate. Very simple party: pizza and cake. But fun, nonetheless. We aren't able to be social all that often, so it was nice having so many friends together at once. And of course I like to show off the girls. When I get some photos, I'll post some of the party.

The girls are doing so well. They had their one year check-up a few days ago, and it went well. There was a little concern about Tzelia's size, and we were told to try to beef up her foods. At one year, she's only 15.5 lbs, so she's not even on the percentile chart. Meorah is also rather small, but being 3 lbs bigger, she looks huge compared to Tzelia. So I'm going to have to keep a closer eye on their intake. I think she's just going to be a petite girl. She's healthy, she's just small.

Other highlights of the weekend: Jason and I went out on a date for the first time in 1.5 years. I can't believe it, but its true. Obviously we couldn't go while I was on bedrest, and we haven't been since the girls were born. Which makes it about a year and a half. We went out to a Hibachi-type restaurant that we like that definitely isn't kiddie-friendly. Unfortunately I was exhausted: it was a Friday night and I had a long work week. But it was still nice being out sans kiddos. We had Meredith (summer nanny) come and watch the kids. She is one of only two people who could probably babysit in the evening...the other being Nicole, obviously. We really do have to do that more often...its important and very recharging.

So nice weekend. Nice date. Nice party. Hard to believe its been a year. There were days I never thought we'd make it this far...or I'd end up killing someone along the way. But it truly is getting easier. And more fun. I'm laughing a lot more and enjoying everything a lot more. Looking forward to a lot more.

I hope I'm still keeping this blog a year from now. Wouldn't that be something...

And Happy Birthday to my girls!

2010-12-07T15:25:00.000-05:00

I was just re-reading my post talking about the day the girls were born. It was a pretty rough day. Looking at pictures of them, I find it so hard to believe how much they have changed.

I don't remember all that much of last December. Stress, lack of sleep, pain....all washed away a lot of the memories. Which is why I'm glad I started writing this. I had forgotten some details of my pregnancy and labor and re-reading them brought back a lot of memories. I wish I had posted more pictures, but we have them all at home on our computers, of course.

After work I am meeting Jason and the kids at the NICU for a visit. I haven't been there since they discharged Tzelia (Meorah had been discharged 1.5 weeks prior) back in January. I have mixed feelings. I love showing off the girls and I'm very proud of how they are doing. And I know the nurses will like to see them: its what makes their job worthwhile....healthy and happy babies. But I worry it will also bring back a lot of sad emotions and memories, and the stress and anxiety I felt at the time. Just re-reading some of my thoughts brought back a little bit...its been a long year. But I think the overriding emotion is really joy. They've come so far, and we are just so lucky. I read preemie message boards and I am well-aware of the problems we could be facing. And there still may be some down the road. But for now...things are great. The girls are happy babies (even the drama-queen Tzelia). Even Zev has grown a lot in the last year.

We're having a birthday party for them this weekend. But for now...happy birthday little girls. I'm so happy you're here and I can only hope things continue to be as wonderful as they are.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-12-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to me! Its the 10th anniversary of my 23rd birthday. Ha.

Already the day is going much better than my birthday last year. Haven't thrown up yet, I can move my feet, and there is no bed pan in sight. Much better than my ninth anniversary. Zev summed it up very nicely this morning as we were walking down the stairs: "Don't want to slip and fall because mommy doesn't want to go to the hospital today".

Is it sad that my goal for today is not to be hospitalized?

Joking aside, the day is going to be rather low key. I'm working. I have kids who need to be catered to when I get home. So its not like I can party hard. But, my husband and I will be going out for dinner on Friday night!!!!!

Yes, that needs lots of emphasis. Yesterday he asked me when the was last time we went out on a date in the evening. I don't remember. But it had to have been at least 15 months ago, because I was put on bedrest 15 months ago and we haven't been on one since then. And we probably hadn't gone out prior to that with my pregnancy complications anyway. So, it is very sad to say that my husband and I haven't been on a 'real date' in a year and a half.

How sad.

How very very sad.

Why haven't we? Well, the bedrest issue. Then the girls were born and preemies. Since then, its been an issue of finding someone who could actually watch and put to bed all three children by themselves. Hell, I wouldn't even want to do it, and I'm their mother. Its drama-filled and difficult enough with two parents. Not a good task for a babysitter....until recently, now that both girls are now pretty easy to put down. Once you drag Zev up the stairs, he'll stay put as well. But there was a good two-three months of bedtime Hell. Every night. So no babysitting. Still, the only two people I would actually trust to do it would be Meredith and Nicole.

This will be fixed on Friday. He told me Meredith will be coming over to watch the kiddos and we can go out. Yay!! That alone is a nice birthday gift. He also got me a GC for a spa treatment, which I plan to take advantage of sometime in the next few weeks.

My gift to myself today: I'm not pumping during the day. Did it in the morning, will do it in the evening, but that's it. I didn't even bring the parts to work. I will be cutting out one of those sessions in a few days and then I'll be out completely.

My birthday present to myself: hanging up the breast pumping horns. Thank freaking god.

Pictures and update!

2010-12-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

First a few pictures: Zev out in the leaves

My prisoners on a Sunday morning:

Food poisoning is over. Thank goodness. However, I am still having a lot of bloating/gas problems (yeah, TMI, but its my blog so whatever). So I am finally getting these GI tests done. I had started getting tested before I became pregnant, but had to stop due to the pregnancy. I actually had a gastric emptying study scheduled the week I found out I was pregnant with the girls.

So I'm going to be getting tested for lactose intolerance, intestinal bacterial overgrowth, and actually get that emptying study done. There is something I am intolerant to, and I'm tired of being bloated, gassy, and in pain from either gas or reflux. As I ~~bitched~~ said to Jason this morning, I'm so bloated its like I never had the surgery for the diastasis....sigh.

Speaking of, I did start going back to the gym, and while the first two weeks were fine I think I ended up doing a bit too much because I've been in more pain the last few days. I would have taken some yummy drugs, but they tend to have a .... constipating effect.... and...well, see the previous paragraph. So I'm just going to have to take it a little more easy when I go. Or be more careful in choosing my exercises.

Kids are good. Tzelia is just getting over a bad virus. She didn't have any real symptoms other than a very high fever. Poor thing. She was better today, so I think it ran its course. Meorah is going to be walking soon. I've caught her almost standing on her own. So maybe in another month or so.

We're having some potty issues with Zev. He's great at peeing when he sits on the potty. But if you don't ask him to sit down, he'll just hold it in. We know, because he won't pee all morning (he's in underwear when home) and then when he naps, his diaper will be SOAKED. We do ask him regularly if he has to sit on the potty, and he usually argues with us that he doesn't. BUT when he does sit down, he will pee. So I'm not quite sure what to do with him. He knows when he pees in his diaper because he will say it 'feels warm'. He just won't sit on the potty unless you badger him. I know boys are supposed to take longer, so I suppose I shouldn't be too impatient with him. I don't want it to be a big issue.

Girls are turning one on Tuesday. I can't believe it...

And I'm turning 33 on Monday. Can't believe that either.... Here's hoping this birthday is better than last year's birthday. At least I won't be in labor again. Ha. I'd rather not be puking or paralyzed from drugs either. Or have a bed pan anywhere near me. Not a nice way to spend a birthday....

Food poisoning

2010-11-27T10:51:00.000-05:00

Food poisoning blows. Especially when its hitting both adults.

'Nuff said.

Belated Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T09:52:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

I subscribe to a lot of blogs on a lot of different topics. Yesterday, almost all of them had a 'be thankful' message. I didn't have time to do a posting....so mine will be a day late.

Yes, I have lots to be thankful for. Another preemie mom friend of mine wrote me the other day, asking how I was holding up coming onto the one year anniversary of the girls' birth. She's having a bit of a difficult time with her son's first birthday coming up and the memories it is bringing on. In a way, I'm blessed that I have a very busy life that keeps me distracted from the memories of the past...I do have my girls, but I am also working full time and have a toddler. I barely have time to breathe, never mind reflect on the last year. But I do think it is important to take a moment to be consciously grateful for a few things...

I am thankful that my girls are as healthy as they are. For 30 week preemies, they are doing amazingly well. Even their pediatrician is shocked at how healthy they are. We got lucky. I read a fair amount of preemie message boards, and I know what we could be dealing with. Obviously we aren't out of the woods and for all I know we'll be dealing with some future learning disabilities or other problems, but for now, things are great. I am thankful for that.

I am thankful that my son is as well adjusted as he is. The year was rough on him too, but he amazes me every day. As I'm writing this, we have a back-up babysitter downstairs (Nicole's baby is sick, so she couldn't come today) and even though he only met Keisha less than two hours ago, they are having a great time downstairs. Last night at my sister's house, he had a blast. Sure, he has his moments, but so do I. He's human. And for an almost-three year old, he does amazingly well.

I am thankful for my husband. Chronic stress can obviously affect a marriage very badly, but he has hung in there and stepped up to the plate and is just amazing. He has spent a fair amount of the year being a single parent as I've dealt with various health problems and was incredible. Unlike a high majority of dads, he is an extremely active parent and is a fantastic father. And a wonderful, wonderful husband. I couldn't ask for anything more and I could write enough to really express how fantastic he is.

I am thankful for my family. Our family has had a rough six months, which I haven't talked that much about in here. But I think it has brought us closer together in some ways. And while I'm not happy with the events that have gone on, I am thankful that we have been able to weather through it so far.

And practically speaking, I am thankful for what we have. Like lots of people right now, we are stressed about our finances and the economy. We are hoping to move out of our house if we can, and while we aren't happy with where we are, I am thankful we have a place to live, jobs that pay well, a nanny that loves our children, and more laughter than tears.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Fun with a toddler

2010-11-23T15:15:00.000-05:00

I admit to not spending that much time with children before having my own. I never babysat, didn't teach, and really didn't have an urge to hang out with kids.

I still don't, with the exception of my own

So hanging out with a toddler is a somewhat new experience for me. I find the girls less fascinating...I've done the 'baby' thing before. But Zev is new. Zev is different. Zev I find interesting.

What has been amazing me recently is how his imagination is now exploding. Our bed is now an 'ocean' that he goes swimming in. He has a turtle-shaped lamp in his room that reflects the shapes of stars and a moon on the ceiling that 'watch him'. And, my current favorite, three puzzle pieces held together are a sandwich, which he will make for me to eat. And when I asked him what type of sandwhich it was, it turns out it was a cheese sandwich.

'Will you play with me?'

'Will you sit with me?'

'Will you lay with me'?

'Will you read this with me?'

How can you say no?

Then, like all toddlers, he does something obnoxious and you forget how cute he can be. He'll push one of his sisters down and then scream when he is ordered to his room. Or throw a fit when we refuse to allow him to 'watch music' (his phrase for listening to music we have on iTunes while random pictures are displayed on the television screen). Or insist that he DOESN'T like the potty/Nicky/Mommy/Daddy/Dinner/the sisters.

Its definitely fun. Lucky for him, the cute factor overrides the obnoxious factor. And it makes me look forward to when the girls are his age and what cute things they are going to be doing.

He's turning into a 'real boy'. His memory is outstanding: he will remember an entire song after just hearing it a few times. And sing it to me. His likes/dislikes are becoming more distinct. And he's becoming fun to really play with, now that he is really playing. It amazes me sometimes.

Its fun to watch him grow and learn. I never realized how difficult parenting was until I started doing it. He truly has a mind of his own, and its growing into its own. I just hope we do a good job with him....

2010-11-17T14:52:00.000-05:00

Still hanging....

We're in the midst of planning the girls' first birthday, which (believe it or not) is less than four weeks away. Originally we were going to have it at our house, but after putting together a guest list, I became uncomfortable with the thought of having everyone come to us. We live in a small, old, house. There just isn't enough sitting room for that many adults + children. While it would work (and we've done it before), it is rather chaotic and I think its rude to have too many people and not enough chairs for everyone to sit.

So we had to go to option 2.

Option 2 is now to rent out time at an Indoor Playspace...you know those big warehouses that have tons of toys and climbing structures with all those kiddos running around and screaming in. You can rent out a room for birthdays for 1.5 hours and let your child-guests enjoy the play area while adults can sit and chat amongst themselves. Its a bit old for the girls (these places are meant more for toddlers and up), but we need the space and many of the kids who are coming will be older.

Plus...no clean up.

All we have to do is supply the food; the facility will provide plates/utensils. Unfortunately the place we like was booked in the afternoon, so we will be having a dinner party. Pizza and cake it is! Nice and easy. Now I'm just debating whether I want to order a really funky cake from a bakery and have it be a little more 'special'. Or do something a little different and just get a ton of cupcakes.

Unfortunately this plan puts Zev out a little bit. His birthday is a month after the girls', and we can't throw two huge parties. So, once again, his birthday is going to take a hit (if you go back, you can read about what happened during his birthday last year....at the last minute it was decided that Meorah was going to come home from the NICU the day we planned to have his party so we had to do a last minute reschedule and it became a very small party at our house the night before we picked her up).

Since my mom and Jason's mom will not be coming to Zev's birthday for various reasons, we decided to have another party for his birthday, but limit it to only family and friends with children and have it at the house again. The girls' party is basically everyone we know, regardless of whether or not they have kids.

Again, I can't believe its been a year....

No plans for MY birthday, which is the day before the girls' birthday. I know Jason is putting something together, and I know it has something to do with pictures because I've seen him play around with them recently and I he said he's already figured out what he's doing for my birthday. He's made albums for me before, so that's probably what he's doing (hint hint, if you're reading this, I like hard-bound books or real printed pictures...the digital stuff on paper isn't the same...). If my parents give me money, I think I'm going to buy an espresso maker....I had some on my work retreat and fell in LOVE. Not that I need more caffeine, but a girl has to have her vices. I also need a new wallet. Meorah has been chewing on mine, and its a little yucky now. I also have been seeing some 'mothers' jewlery, with different birthstones for the children. I like that idea, too.

What I should do is call our babysitter and see if she can come and babysit some afternoon/evening so Jason and I can go out. That's what I'd really like...

It took 11 months....

2010-11-14T07:09:00.000-05:00

But we finally have a sick baby.

I'm not counting the runny noses all kiddos end up having this time of year. I mean 'really' sick.

Tzelia came down with a fever last week. She was cranky, lethargic, and very needy. She felt like a hot water bottle and her temp was over 101. So we took her to the doc; our worry was an ear infection since Zev had a lot of them when he was an infant his first winter. Her pedi said her ear was slightly pink, so we got a script for some antibiotics and started them. Her fever didn't really break until a few days later. A few days after that, Jason noticed that she had developed a rash on her chest and abdomen, spreading around her shoulders.

So yesterday we took her for a sick child visit. Our thought was it was either a reaction to the antibiotics or it was a viral infection: the fever and rash could be a sign of roseola, which is a virus that children. The main symptoms are a high fever, followed by a rash a few days later. Those symptoms matched, but the rash looked a bit different from a typical roseola rash, at least in my opinion.

The doc tended to agree. She told us that it was most likely viral and to stop the antibiotics. Whether or not it was roseola....it doesn't really matter since there is no treatment for it anyway. But she did agree that the rash didn't look like the typical roseola rash. And she said if Tzelia does end up needing antibiotics in the future to try the amoxycillin again, but watch for a rash just in case this really was just an allergic reaction.

That's what I tend to think it was. I think she had a virus that naturally went its course and the rash was a reaction to the drugs we gave her.

But 11 months without a sickness is pretty good, I think. I'm chalking that up to not doing day care and the fact that she's still getting breastmilk. Gotta love the antibodies there.

Speaking of which, I've got about three weeks left of pumping. I really need to start figuring out how to cut down and how I want to introduce the whole milk. Right now I'm pumping about 6 times a day, and twice at work. Either next week or the following I think I'll drop one session at work and keep the rest, and then go from there. The longest I've been able to go during the day is about 5 hours and then I start to feel 'itchy'. Overnight, I've gone as long as 6 hours, but that's typically on a weekend when I 'sleep in' (ha...that means 6:30am rather than 4:30).

Its very bittersweet for me. I'm glad I made it this far, although I'm not sure who really cares at the end of the day. Is it really such a big accomplishment? I suppose it is...most people wouldn't do this, especially for twins. It makes me sad to stop, but I think my husband would kill me if I wanted to continue. He's been very supportive but hates that I'm doing it (because of the inconvenience...it means scheduling our days around the pump, he doing a lot more, etc). I think he's a lot more excited about my stopping than I am...

sigh.

The terrible threes....

2010-11-06T07:53:00.000-04:00

Zev will be three in January. The following is a pity-party/vent/cry session. I know all this behavior is typical for his age, so I'm not concerned about it. Its just...a very difficult age.

And I know why...he's recognizing his feelings more but still doesn't have all the verbal ability to explain what he means. He has no filter in his brain, so everything he thinks/feels just blows out of him. While he understands a lot, at the same time he's a toddler, so there are certain more abstract concepts he just doesn't get. Words he doesn't understand. Superimpose that on a fierce need to be independent, high activity, high emotion, and a very (naturally) self-centered way of looking at the world...

Well, you end up with a very narcissistic person who reminds me of the brain damaged patients I used to work with a decade ago...those with complete frontal lobe impairment who were just completely inappropriate and high-needs. Only he likes to scream and cry when he doesn't like something and is much more willing to do it for a very long time.

Sigh.

He's also very perseverative (also a sign on frontal lobe damage....), and if I hear the songs from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory one more time....

I just don't have a lot of patience for him right now. And that makes me feel bad. At the end of the work day, I'm running around trying to make meals for the next day, make dinner for everyone, clean up, feed the girls, make baby food to freeze....you name it. I feel like Zev gets the short-shift in all of that.

He's also in a daddy-phase right now, which makes me feel horrible. And I know THAT is normal too, but I can't help but think its partly due to all the health problems I've had for a year now (!!!!). Bed rest with my pregnancy, exhaustion/sickness after the girls were born, ulcer sickness, now the surgery recovery....I've been on a 'hands-off' mode for a year. How can that not affect how he sees me? He's learned that he can't jump on mommy, that mommy has a 'boo-boo', that mommy is resting, that I can't jump around and play like daddy can....

So it really hurts my feelings now and I feel like its my fault. I know it isn't and that this has just been a bugger of a year. But the constant rejection (and I mean every single night he'll throw a fit if I try to put him to bed...there is only so much rejection you can take) is starting to wear on me.

The answer is more play time with him, obviously, but I'm still in recovery-mode, so that's hard. And, as I said, I'm not a naturally patient person, so I have a hard time slowing down and being really 'there' for this little brain damaged person.

I know this is just a phase for him (and for me). I just hope when the girls are this age things are a little better....maybe the fact that they are girls? Regardless, my health should be better by then and I will hopefully have learned enough from this period with Zev to help next time. Because TWO brain damaged people running around....well, I don't even want to think about that....

I'm really late on updating

2010-11-04T12:43:00.000-04:00

I've been meaning to do a Halloween post, but life just gets in the way....

We did go out trick-or-treating for a little while. I really wanted to go out with Zev and Jason: last year I was on bedrest and even 'broke' it then to walk around the block to look at the pumpkins and decorations (of course I paid for that later with some pain, but it was worth it to me).

So Sunday evening we decided that we would feed the girls and then all of us go out for a bit and then come back and put the kids to bed. Our bell starting ringing just before 6pm. We managed to escape around 6:30 and were probably out for about half an hour. It was COLD. Jason had the girls in the stroller (sans costumes...they weren't going to be seen anyway) and I walked Zev up the steps to each of the houses. It ws fun, although I had to prompt him to take the candy. I think naturally he is a shy boy, but he did get into it. We didn't get that much candy, but I wasn't going to let him have any of it anyway: I told him we were collecting candy for daddy. Ha.

(I know its only one day a year, but child nutrition is actually pretty important to me and a lot of my personal reading has to do with the food industry, sustainable farming, and nutrition in general. I debated being 'that house' and only giving out pretzels or other healthy stuff, but decided not to go that extreme. While we were out, we did end up finding 'that house' and I did let Zev eat the bag of pretzels he got from her)

After Halloween, I went back over old pictures to see how Zev has grown....

Zev's first Halloween I just bought a onsie and a hat. We didn't go anywhere.

Second Halloween (note the big baby bump...the girls would be coming about six weeks later, and this is after about four weeks of bedrest). The weather was really nice that year and this is out on the porch carving a pumpkin. He was a bear but refused to wear the hat that went with the costume.

This year at the Prudential Center as Kermit the frog. Again, refused to wear the hat that was with the costume...I should keep this in mind for next year...

The kid finally grew some hair.

Healing too slowly

2010-10-26T06:21:00.000-04:00

I miss the gym.

I'm working really hard to do what is best for me and give myself another two weeks before going back to the gym. I'm four weeks out from (my first) surgery, and it is a four to six week recovery. My surgeon has specifically put me on a 'no lifting' precaution until mid-November. Nothing more than 10 lbs. I spent last night 'googling' recommendations for recovery from an abdominoplasty, and that's pretty typical. I even saw longer, depending on the severity of the surgery. As well as shorter for just a 'mini-abdominoplasty', which I know I didn't have.

But I was still considering it. I was thinking of things I could do to support my core and still do something. Its deceptive: when I'm wearing my compression garment I actually feel pretty good. But when I don't, I start to feel sore. And when I cough. I can also feel where the stitches are inside, and the muscle there is still sore. When I raise my hands up over my head and stretch my muscle out, it feels tight and sore, particularly at the top where the stitches start. It hurts to roll over or do any real 'twisting' motion. The incision site itself is also tender.

So I know I'm not ready. I just miss going. Its very centering for me and very meditative. And I miss feeling like I've worked my muscles. But I know if I went I wouldn't be able to do the workout I would want to do, and I'd just risk hurting myself. So I'm doing the smart thing (for once) and waiting.

I'm not a cardio-bunny. I work out when the gym opens at 5:30 and I go to the weight room. There are perhaps one or two other (men) people there. I lift the 'big' weights. I bench. I squat. I row. I used to deadlift until I hurt my back years ago and now I'm too wary to do so....and I didn't have enough real core strength to do it well with the hernia and diastasis. I've been doing it for about six years now. I do hit the cardio a few times a week, but most of my time is spent in the weight room. I've gone through phases of doing more/less cardio, but the weights are always constant. This isn't a fitness blog so I won't go into the physiological reasons why I've sent it up this way, but I will say for those out there who aren't up on fitness: if you have limited time (which I do!) your time is better spent in the weight room than on a cardio machine. Too many people do it the other way around.

Two more weeks. Then I can go back, albiet slowly. I need to be very careful because I don't want to burst my stitches while jumping back into squatting. As I said to my coworker: its one thing to start lifting 10 lbs...its another thing to throw a bunch of weight on your back and squat ass to grass or work up to benching your body weight.

Two more weeks.

Early Halloween

2010-10-25T09:38:00.000-04:00

I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out what to dress the kids for Halloween. The last two years I haven't really cared. I don't think Zev was anything for the first Halloween (he was only 9 months old!) and last year we just got him a bear costume at the last minute. I stayed home for the trick or treaters since I was on bedrest, and Jason took him out for a little while.

This year I felt a little more pressure. Zev actually has interests now, and he may actually get a little bit out of trick-or-treating. And the girls...well, with twins there is always pressure to go 'above and beyond'. You get enough attention as it is. Something extra 'cute' is expected.

So Zev is Kermit. We don't watch TV in our house. We watch 'music'. Jason has a program on his computer that is hooked up to the TV that collages through photos we have on iPhoto, and we have it hooked up to our iTunes, so we play iTunes playlists and old pictures of us are displayed on the television. Zev has a good ear and memory for music and has most of the muppet songs memorized (we actually have a video of him singing all the words to 'the Rainbow Connection', and is working on Willy Wonka right now. He keeps asking for the Oompa Loompa song...but I digress...

Zev is Kermit. Which left the girls. You have to do a 'theme', and after going through a lot of costumes online I decided: an Angel and a Devil. And it was obvious who was going to be the Devil. If you can't guess, you haven't been a good reader.

We went to the Pru, which was having a charity event for Boston Medical Center. You could go and trick-or-treat in the stores, and there were a lot of booths for a variety of different sponsors. It was fun and we took pictures. I do have to be an attention whore for a second: we got stopped by LOTS of people admiring the girls' costumes. Even in the midst of tons and tons of costumed children, we still got attention.

It was nice. I did good.

100th post

2010-10-24T07:36:00.000-04:00

I think this is my 100th post. Coolness.

I'm in a countdown. Today is 10/24. Just over 6 weeks and the girls will be one year old....

And I will have met my one year pumping goal

I am seriously all over this pumping thing. Really. There are two reasons I'm continuing. The first is purely a lame reason: I only have six weeks to go and I refuse to stop so close to the goal. I feel like I'm dragging myself to the finish line. I've come this far and I will not stop when I'm so close!!

The second reason is a more practical reason: I just hate formula. Really. No offense to anyone who uses it, but that stuff is just nasty. It smells bad, the consistency is gross, and the thought of it just...well, ew. I know its scientifically derived to be a close proximate to breastmilk and meets all nutritional needs, blah blah blah...

But yuck. The thought of drinking it makes me want to throw up and I can't believe the girls will actually drink it. Are their tastebuds dead?

It isn't a cost issue. I have over 1000K worth of formula in my basement right now, which was covered by insurance (for the long saga on that, go back and read some of my older posts). We will never use it, and I'm going to have to either sell it or donate it (if anyone wants preemie formula, contact me!!!!). I could stop pumping tomorrow and not have to buy another can of formula and would still probably have leftovers.

But yuck.

I have cut down on my pumping sessions. For nine months I pumped 8x/day. I now do it about 6x/day. At my last moms of multiples meeting, a woman came up to me and asked if I was still pumping. When I said yes, she was shocked and impressed. I'm the only one in my 'age group' who continues...most gave out about at month 3. Its hard in general, but doubly hard for twins I think, especially if you are a stay at home. And often, most women won't have enough to pump for two (pump is less efficient, so while you may be able to breastfeed two, pumping for two is much harder) so they have to supplement a little anyway. We always did, and still do. The girls probably get 70/30 breastmilk/formula.

But 6x/day is a lot. I have to plan my day around it. I can go about four hours before I feel like I should stop and pump. Which means I do it twice at work. Weekends also have to consider when I can get back and pump. I've done it in the car, I've done it DRIVING while in the car, I've done it in bathrooms, parking lots.... I'm going on a work retreat this week, and will have to bring my pump and had to ask for a fridge in my room. Pain in the butt.

But six weeks. Six weeks to go. Despite it being a pain, I admit that it will probably be hard to stop. I want to continue until the girls are solidly on milk, so I'll probably try to transition them a bit before their birthday to make sure they deal with it ok. And its going to be a gradual decrease for me...I remember stopping for Zev and having a few weeks of pretty bad discomfort. So I think I'll start to drop some sessions in a month or so while starting to give the girls some milk and hopefully we'll both finish transitioning at the same time.

Six more weeks. Bittersweet. Glad to not have the inconvenience, sad that it means my girls don't need it anymore. I could of course go longer, but I think my husband would kill me. I think he's anticipating the end more than I am. He's been wonderfully supportive the entire time, but having it impacts him as well. So I'm sure he'll be grateful once I'm done.

What will be interesting to see is if the girls are healthier than Zev was during this first winter. That is one of the benefits of breastmilk: increased immunity. If it means they won't have the same ear infection problems he had (he had a ton of ear infections...at least 7 that first winter), it will be well worth it...

Its a tie

2010-10-22T06:23:00.000-04:00

We've had a rough few weeks in the evenings. Tzelia, always the difficult sleeper, has been even more difficult. She will stay asleep once she is asleep. But GETTING her down is another question. Since I am still on my 'no lifting more than 10 lbs' restriction, that leaves Jason to trying to figure out how to get her to sleep....whether it is a bouncer, walking, rocking, or even putting her in a carrier and going outside for a half hour walk at 10pm. Her days were equally fussy...needing to be held constantly. And lets not even go into the blow-outs she's been having...

Two evenings ago she was inconsolable when Nicole brought the kids home...she had barely eaten all day. I took a look at her gums...nice and swollen. Finally. Well, that explains that! Ten and a half months, and she finally starts getting a tooth. Poor thing. Enter Tylenol, and half an hour later she's a happy baby, swimming across the floor and eating Cheerios.

So imagine our surprise when Nicole comes home yesterday and says: You know Meorah has a tooth, right?

She DOES? Our always happy, easy sleeping, 'see food must eat food' baby? We'd been so busy with her drama queen sister, that we missed it. Both girls were cutting teeth at the same time, but Meorah barely blinked while Tzelia acted like a little whiney princess.

As my husband's Facebook status stated: Its a tie, but Meorah gets bonus points for taking it like a champ.

Tzelia, you're a wimp.

Now if both girls would just grow some hair already....

Lifting, mentoring

2010-10-16T07:49:00.000-04:00

Work actually went ok this week. I had more energy than I thought I would, so my hypothesis was right: I was tired because I had nothing to do. I'm sure the narcotics I was taking, the second surgery, the blood loss, etc., played a role, but getting out of the house and feeling 'useful' again, certainly helped my energy level. I can't do a fair amount of my 'normal' job since I'm on lifting restrictions, but I can do seated work. Which basically comes down to experiment scoring, data analysis, and validation. Yay. But at least I'm back into a routine.

I saw my surgeon a few days ago, and he 'graduated' me from weekly check-ins. I go back in three weeks. I'm still swollen and numb, both of which will take months to go away. That's normal. And I still have pain, but its a different type of pain: up and down my abdomen where (I imagine) the sutures are. Yesterday I actually had to take some Vicodin for the first time in about a week. It was my fault: I was laughing a lot at work and laughing + abdominal surgery = pain. Laughing, coughing, turning over while laying down all still cause pain. And I'm still wearing a compression garment, which I hope to stop using soon.

Baby steps.

Speaking of which, both girls are now pulling themselves up on furniture, and Meorah can now lower herself back down. Prior to this, she would pull herself up and then cry because she would be 'stuck'. Now she can slowly lower herself back down. Tzelia still isn't crawling...she's doing this odd breast-stroke crawl: using her upper body and dragging her legs across the floor. It looks like she's swimming, but darn it she's fast! Nicole said when she isn't wearing pants she actually WILL crawl, probably because dragging her bare legs on the floor must hurt. But if she's in pants, she'll just drag her legs behind her. She must have great upper body strength for a baby.

And bridging off that...I really miss the gym. As said, I'm on a lifting hiatus until mid-November. Nothing over 10 lbs until then. And even then, I'm going to ask my surgeon what is ok. Typical day-to-day lifting activity is different than throwing 80 lbs on your back and squatting (as we like to say) ass to grass or doing Pendlay rows. Even when I do go back, I'm going to have to go slowly...much like I did after returning from bed rest. I was so weak then, but regained strength rather quickly. I'd rather take more time off and be 100% sure I'm ready than risk going early, going too intense too soon, and hurting myself or possibly ruining the surgery. (Plus, since I go at 5:30 in the morning, going that early in December isn't something I'm looking forward to...its freaking cold!!).

Had my Moms of Multiples meeting this week and I'm now running their 'Mentor' program. People contact me if they want (or want to be) a mentor to someone else in the club. When I was on bedrest, I had a mentor through another program and found it immensely helpful. And I like being involved...its a way to 'force' me to talk to people and feel like I belong better. I sent out an email yesterday and got many responses, so now I just have to match people up. I don't think it will take up that much time...this first response was a lot because it was an initial email, but I don't imagine it being so busy normally.

Going out to lunch today. Our old summer nanny is coming to babysit. We haven't seen her in about a month and a half. It will be nice to see how she's doing.

Buying used clothes

2010-10-07T17:48:00.000-04:00

Saw my surgeon again. He said he's getting tired of seeing me. Trust me, I'm getting tired of seeing him.

He drained off two ounces of fluid from my seroma. He also recommended ginger tablets to help minimize future fluid gain...I guess some patients have said it helps. I think I'll stop by Whole Paycheck Foods tomorrow and get some. I've been in a fair amount of pain the last few days, and I think it is because of the excess fluid. I had tried going a day without the compression garment a few days ago, and that was just awful....all the fluid just pressed against my jeans and was quite painful. Plus the swelling of the skin with the bloating has been causing bruising which is quite painful. Now that the fluid is gone, I really hope I'll feel better. He wants to see me in a week to see if it returns.

I'm still torn about when to go back to work. I had to nap again today, but the narcotics also make me tired, so I don't know if its an effect of the drugs or the recovery. I need to be able to get through the day without a nap. I had emailed my boss and said I was hoping to be back on Monday, and he told me not to come back before I was ready: that it did me or the company no good if I came back before I could really work. Good point. I just feel so guilty being out of work for so long....

Other exciting news...finally got to pick up some clothes for Zev. I'm a big believer in buying gently used clothes. With three children, I just can't afford to buy everything 'new', especially for the girls who grow so quickly. I couldn't go to my Moms of Multiples tag sale the other week, so I had sent out an inquiry on Craigslist and our Multiples Listserve asking if anyone was selling 2T boys or 9-12 month girl's clothes. I got a few responses, and was finally able to make it out to pick up one of the responder's clothes today. Some good things for Zev for the fall: a few button down long sleeve shirts, some sweaters, some pj's, some sweater vests, and a few fleece. He actually likes being 'preppy' and loves button down shirts, so I actually think it will work out well. Tomorrow I'm heading out to another woman's house who is offering me some clothes for the girls. And tomorrow night someone is dropping off some clothes for Zev here since I can't make it out to her house.

I think its funny that some people are squeamish about buying used clothes/toys. I figure...once you wear it, its used anyway. And like I said, with three children, I just can't buy everything 'new'. The majority of the girls' clothes are either used that I bought or gifts. New clothes would be nice, sure, but I can't rationalize the cost. I even have clothes that I bought/found for Zev and the girls that won't fit them for a year or two because they were a good bargain. I'll just hold onto them until they are the right size.

Speaking of clothes, I have bags and bags of clothes all three have outgrown that I eventually hope to sell at some point. Bags and bags of them. Some clothes that have never even been worn, or worn just a few times. Nicole (our nanny) said she would buy some of them off of me, but I also have a sister who may end up getting pregnant at some point, and I want to be able to offer her some as well. Assuming she would take them, of course.

My dad left for Israel for about two weeks today. I'm very jealous. I've never been. Hopefully I'll get to go some day. Jason told me that I should try to find a vacation idea for the two of us...maybe next summer or the summer after he and I could go on a solo vacation. Wouldn't that be lovely....

Pictures

2010-10-05T12:52:00.000-04:00

Haven't shown any in awhile. These were taken last weekend when Jason, my mother in law, and the kids went to a local zoo. Zev was a bit young for the zoo itself, but I heard they had a good time. A couple of things always amaze me when I see pictures of my children.

First, Zev's hair color. Both Jason and I have black hair. Zev's is light brown. It will probably darken as he gets older, but I still find it fascinating that it is so light.

How different Meorah and Tzelia look. Tzelia actually looks a lot like Zev, and Meorah looks a lot like me. I know they are completely different babies, but I just find it so amusing that even though they are twins they look NOTHING alike.

But they are all beautiful. At least I think so.

Still home

2010-10-04T15:52:00.000-04:00

I had been hoping to return to work this week. I get my drainage tube taken out tomorrow morning, so technically I should be able to return to work on Wed. I had been feeling pretty bad until I decided to stop being a martyr and take the drugs that were prescribed for me. I took one yesterday before going out to dinner, and couldn't believe how much better I felt. Or, as I said to Jason later, I could have been just as uncomfortable, I just didn't care about it anymore.

Vicodin rocks.

Now I feel much better. However, Jason did point out to me this morning technically I'm not supposed to be driving while I'm under the influence of narcotics.

Well, damn.

I thought of doing it anyway, until around 1pm today. I'd been up since 6am, getting various things done, and crashed. I slept for an hour and felt much better.

If I still can't make it through the day without a nap, I can't go back to work. So it looks like one more week of recovery for me. Better safe than sorry, I know. And I also know that my hematoma happened only a week after my first surgery, so it isn't as if I'm 100% healed and everything is groovy. I ended up adding an extra week to my entire recovery.

But I will say it again: despite the second emergency surgery and the continued pain and discomfort, I am so glad that I had this done. For the first time in three years, I don't look pregnant. Those who know me 'in real life' probably would laugh at that, but its true. I'm not a very big person, which made the diastasis all the more visible. It was actually painful to not have any abdominal support and I would wince whenever Zev would sit on my lap or I would bump into something with my stomach. Granted I'm now extremely swollen and numb, am stuck wearing compression garments that suck everything in, and definitely don't have abs of steel, but even if that didn't completely heal and this was the best I got...I'm still glad I did it. I never had bad body image until this diastasis, and I am finally feeling better about myself. I finally feel like 'me' again....I can recognize myself in the mirror.

Totally worth it.

I am still upset that I can't be as interactive with my children. Meorah is now cruising along furniture...we'll have a walker pretty soon. And Tzelia is starting to leave her 'lazy' stage and crawl around a bit more....just an army crawl, but at least she's moving. Zev is....Zev. A friend of mine commented that I didn't mention him that much in an email to her (although I talked a lot about the girls), and my response was: he's two.

He's a pain in the ass. He refuses to listen, hates hearing the word 'no', and while he doesn't 'lie', he isn't always truthful either. He's just two. But then he'll be adorable and you just have to forgive him.

Until you want to kill him again.

Unfortunately as he gets 'better', the girls will be approaching two. Two girls who are two.

And we'll really be screwed.

Happy Anniversary

2010-10-02T07:40:00.000-04:00

Exactly one year ago I was put on bed rest.

Exactly one year ago I went to a doc appointment to be looked at. Go an internal ultrasound to look at my cervix and see how things were progressing. We could tell it wasn't good by the way the technician was acting.

Went back into the room to wait for my OB.

Was told to go directly home. Directly to bed. Do not go to work to pick up your things, do not stop for anything.

Go to bed and stay there. As long as possible.

I was 20 weeks pregnant. The goal was to make it to 24 weeks. If something happened between before then, there was nothing they could do. I was to call and come in so I wouldn't be alone, but there would be no saving the babies. If I wanted to end the pregnancy now, I had that option: the stress of long bed rest can be rough. If I made it to week 24, I was to be hospitalized and given steroid shots. And we would then take it week by week.

I made it to week 24. I got my steroid shots. Went home, stayed home for Halloween and enjoyed that.

I made it to week 26. I went into pre-term labor. That was stopped with magnesium sulfate.

I stayed in the hospital until week 28. At the height of the swine flu. I barely got to see my son due to hospital lock-down and lived alone in a hospital room due to the fact I am a MRSA carrier. Other than my nurse, I hardly saw anyone for two weeks. The only nice thing was the daily visits from my husband since he worked there.

Discharged at week 28. Was home for Thanksgiving. Celebrated my birthday a day early with my family. Pre-term labor at week 30, on my birthday. Couldn't stop that one. OB was in Dallas, was giving directions via text to his associates while I was paralyzed and throwing up on magnesium sulfate.

Girls born 30 weeks, 1 day. Day after my 32nd birthday.

And now they are doing great. My health has yet to be good...I realized this after coming back from the surgeon yesterday. Since Oct 2nd, 2009 I've dealt with the above pregnancy problems. That was followed by the bad c-section recovery, the ulcer/GI problems. pneumonia, continued diastasis issues, and now the abdominoplasty complications.

I feel really really bad for my husband for having to deal with all of this. He is a gem, he really is.

(I can't believe how naive we were....)

Recovery, continued

2010-10-01T16:07:00.001-04:00

Went back to the surgeon today.

I was discharged from Beth Israel with one drainage tube. Unfortunately, the tube was on the opposite side of where the hematoma was, and I started collecting fluid at the hematoma site. By last night it was very uncomfortable and I knew it was only going to get bigger. I called the surgeon this morning, and he had me come in to see one of his associates (he was at another site).

She was able to drain off 3 oz of fluid. Yummers. Just stuck a needle right in me and aspirated it out. Didn't hurt a bit though: that area is still completely numb. She did warn me that it would probably come back, so when I go back to the surgeon on Tuesday to get the drain removed I will probably have to have it done again.

Yummers.

I should re-title this blog to something having to do with my crappy luck in health...

I do feel better now that the fluid is gone, but I am emotionally feeling rather out-of-sorts. I hate that I have to miss another week of work. I hate that I have another drainage tube. I hate that I'm so uncomfortable. I hate that my appetite is gone, yet again. I'm exhausted due to the loss of blood, but am not taking the iron pills like I should because they have a rather...constipating...side-effect, and I don't want to have to deal with that. I'd rather sleep or drink coffee. I feel bad that Jason is doing so much parenting now, especially when it is 10pm and Tzelia still refuses to go to sleep. My incredible no-napping-no-sleeping baby.... I thought babies were supposed to sleep 12 hours/day? They obviously never met Tzelia.

But since this blog IS supposed to be about my kiddos, lets chat about them...

The girls did swimmingly at their Early Intervention. The girls were assessed for fine and gross motor abilities, feeding, and receptive and expressive language. Meorah scored at her actual age (9-10 months) in everything except feeding, where she was at her adjusted age (7 months). Tzelia scored at her adjusted age for everything except expressive language, where she scored above her actual age, at 11 months. She's just a babbling machine. Both girls still qualify, since they are technically 'behind' in areas: Meorah just for feeding, and Tzelia for everything except language. We won't be continuing, though. They are scoring at their adjusted age, which is exactly what you would expect for a preemie. They are meeting their milestones, and their pediatrician is very happy with how they are doing. Instead, if I am concerned in a year, I will call for another assessment. Those are free.

Speaking of milestones, we found Meorah pulled up on her crib rails this morning. Time to lower the mattress down and get ready for a walking baby... Tzelia still isn't a fan of crawling, but I have a feeling she'll be talking first. I chat with her all the time. I don't know what we talk about, but she finds it interesting. I watch her watch my mouth and try to copy me. Then she just lets out a big 'BAH!'. Its quite cute.

Zev is....almost three. 'Nuff said.

These things always happen to me

2010-09-30T06:29:00.000-04:00

I'm back in the hospital. I should be discharged today, but we can add one more hospital night stay to my resume.

I was home yesterday. I woke up from a nap and had gone downstairs to make something to eat and pump before I was to head out and buy some 12 month girl's clothes from a woman I had been talking to through email; she had responded to a request I sent out through my 'Moms of Multiples' listserve asking if anyone was selling children's clothes. As I was finishing cooking, I felt a 'twitch' and something 'move' in my abdomen...kind of like a gas pain or what it would feel like when I was pregnant and a baby kicked. It didn't hurt, but it felt a little odd. I looked down and my compression garment looked weird. I unzipped it, and I realized my lower abdomen now looked 7 months pregnant: it was hugely protruding, very hard, and had a dark hue to it.

This cannot be good.

I called my surgeon's clinic and just told them I was coming over. I didn't waste time explaining. I drove myself, which probably wasn't the best idea, but no one else was around and it would have taken time to wait for an ambulance or a taxi. I got to the clinic in about 15 minutes, and they took me right to a room. I called Jason on the way and told him he had to leave work and meet me there. I was pretty sure the stitches had blown and I was going to need surgery...again.

Well, it wasn't that, but I did need surgery. I burst a blood vessel and was developing a hematoma. I felt another twitch while I got there, and a third one just as I was being laid out on the operating table. It never hurt, but the pressure was incredibly uncomfortable, and getting worse as time went on. And it was frightening. Even my surgeon was surprised when he saw it; this is an extremely rare occurrence. And it was just a "fluke"...there was nothing I had done that could have caused it. A blood vessel just gave out. Luckily they found the one that did and tied it off. I lost a liter of blood. When I woke up from the surgery, I felt so much better.

Since I lost so much blood, my surgeon had me transferred to Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital, which is where he is affiliated. I haven't seen him yet today, but he is supposed to come here this morning to check on me and release me. Jason was here when I checked in, but obviously he had to go home to be with the kids. He's coming this morning before he goes to work (once again, I'm at a hospital he works at!) and will drive me home when they discharge me.

I'm feeling ok...but now really scared its going to happen again. Because if something bad happens to anyone, it will happen to me. I was hoping to go back to work next week, but since I now have another drainage tube, that is going to have to wait. Which makes me feel bad. But I'm also too scared to go: I know this wasn't my fault, but I'm paranoid to do anything really 'active' now, even working. So my plan is to spend the next few days/weekend in bed as much as I can. Jason's mom is supposed to be coming this weekend anyway, so at least there will be a little help there.

My life seriously should be a TV-movie. Because this is ridiculous.

surgery recovery continued

2010-09-28T11:15:00.000-04:00

I'm just about a week post surgery. I saw the surgeon today, and he took out the drainage tube I had. He was a bit concerned with how red and swollen I was, but thinks its because I was wearing the compression garment too high. So now I have another type of compression garment and will be going back to see him on Thursday. I'm supposed to call if I have any signs of infection: fever, etc.

I'm still in a fair amount of pain. As long as I'm on my regimen of Tylenol I feel ok...but once it wears off, ouch! Definite pain. And lots and lots of swelling. I'm definitely glad I did it, but the recovery is pretty rough. From what I've read, it could be a few months before the swelling completely goes away. I'm going to have to take it easy for that amount of time, which is fine. I don't want to mess up the recovery and have it all be a waste of time.

Regarding the kiddos, the girls have their six month Early Intervention assessment this afternoon. They've been seeing an Occupational Therapist through the MA Early Intervention system since they came home from the NICU: they qualified because they were preemies. So every 2-3 weeks, we've had a visit and the OT has looked at them to see how they're doing. Now that its been six months, they'll have a formal assessment and it will be decided if they still qualify. Obviously the goal is to be kicked out of the program. If they still qualify, we'll have to decide if we want to continue. Unfortunately, due to state budget cuts, the cost of EI went up 400%, and to keep them in the program for another six months, it will cost around $1000 (that's for both of them). So if they still qualify, Jason and I will have a lot of talking to do. I am interested to see how they are progressing. Meorah is a crawling machine, and Tzelia is just starting with the army crawling. Both girls are on solid foods, but cannot feed themselves either solids or their bottles. Finger foods are completely absent. Both girls can sit a little bit, but are not all that stable, Tzelia particularly has difficulty with that. Both girls are very vocal. Obviously I'm not an expert, but I think they are on par with their adjusted age. We'll see what the professionals think.

Zev is starting to get into the habit of leaving his room when he gets up in the morning. I'm considering getting him a toddler clock to teach him to stay in his room until the clock turns a certain color....something like this toddler clock. They get good reviews. This morning he came into our room at 6:30 and didn't want to go back to his own room. I'd rather not have to deal with that every day. There are a few different types, so I'm going to look into them and pick one out. If it has a clock on it, he can also start to learn how to tell time. Nicole has him working on the days of the week and months of the year, and he already has a general idea of the seasons.

We also need to step up the potty training. I think I've been slacking a bit on that. He isn't even three, and I know boys can be later than girls. I just have so much on my plate, its hard to get to everything....

surgery

2010-09-26T11:12:00.000-04:00

I went under the knife a few days ago.

An unfortunate consequence of my pregnancy was a pretty severe diastasis. A diastasis is an abdominal wall separation, which most women have after a pregnancy. For the majority of them, the separation is minor (less than a centimeter) and corrects itself after a few months of time. I had one after my pregnancy with Zev, and it became worse after my pregnancy with the girls. Second pregnancy + twin pregnancy + small body + already present diastasis = severe diastasis. I had a four-five centimeter hole down the length of my abdomen, and no amount of time was ever going to fix it. Due to the lack of muscle support, I also appeared about four months pregnant all the time, which for someone who is already pretty small, was a bit overwhelming to me. Physically, it was quite uncomfortable: I could not have Zev sit on my lap without feeling pain because there was little cushion between him and my internal organs. I also ended up with an umbilical hernia due to the separation, which was quite uncomfortable and needed to be fixed.

So for all those reasons I decided I needed to get it repaired. Unfortunately, insurance does not cover such a procedure for women because it isn't technically a health problem: I could live with it forever. However, to [b]me[/b] it was medically necessary. I was miserable being in that state and it was well worth the $$ to both me and Jason to have it fixed. Given the long recovery time, we waited until now to get it done so I could finish up some projects at work.

The surgery was a few days ago. To be a bit graphic and summarize, the surgeon basically had to separate the skin away from my body and sew the muscles back together. It took about 2 hours, plus time to recover from the general anesthesia. I went home with a drainage tube, which helps keep the swelling down. I'll have that removed in a few days.

It is a pretty brutal surgery and I feel really beaten up now. I've spent most of the last few days sleeping. I was on narcotics for awhile, but they have a constipating effect, so I've decided to lay off of those the best I can. I can't take ibuprofen due to my stomach issues, so I've been relying on Tylenol for pain. My appetite is completely gone, but I'm forcing the fluids in so I do not get dehydrated. Believe it or not, I am still pumping, although my supply was awful those first two days. My acid reflux is also terrible, which I'm sure is an effect of the stress of the surgery. I'm also experiencing hot flashes (as Jason said to me this morning: what's up with the menopause?) which is probably my metabolism going into overdrive to try to heal.

Basically I'm pretty miserable. And I can't do much with the kiddos: this is a six week recovery and I am not allowed to pick anything up that is more than five pounds for six weeks. Which includes my children. This is really upsetting to me....it hurts to see them cry for me and not be able to pick them up and comfort them.

It hurts a lot.

When the pain gets better, Jason said he can place them on my lap, which will be nice. But even that is probably at least a week away.

I'm out of work for at least a week. My surgeon has written me out for three weeks, and we'll see how I feel. I told my boss I would let him know by the end of next week how I was doing. I hope to feel at least a [i]little[/i] better by then. At least have my appetite back and not be so exhausted...

I'm glad I did it. I just hope its worth it in the end. Because this is pretty miserable.

apple picking

2010-09-19T17:05:00.000-04:00

As promised, some pictures from apple picking/pumpkin picking

Attack of the Happy Baby!!

If I were Zev, I'd be scared too.

Dr. Seuss

2010-09-18T14:20:00.000-04:00

Two babies. Two babies crawling. Crawl babies, crawl!

This is getting interesting. Meorah has been crawling for about two weeks now. Tzelia just started a few days ago. And now I have two babies...two babies crawling in opposite directions.

They are becoming 'real' people. They are now learning how to ask for what they want. Recently Meorah has been following me around and when she wants to be held will crawl on top of my feet and pull at me while crying. She's also showing some signs of jealousy: if I am holding Tzelia, she will come over and cry to be held as well. As for Tzelia...if she's hungry and she sees a bottle, she'll make a bee-line for it. I found her with one in her hands the other day and when I brought some real food over to her, she dropped the pacifier out of her mouth and grabbed for the spoon. Its all quite cute, but as they get more and more demanding about getting individual attention....god help us all.

They are just over 9 months old now, roughly 6.5 months adjusted. Tzelia is doing well on the real food-front, although Meorah doesn't quite get it yet. They have their Early Intervention assessment in two weeks, and we'll see what the therapists think of that. That is my only concern regarding the two of them: I'm pretty happy with how they are doing otherwise. Tzelia is still a peanut (barely 14 lbs at 9 months) but we'll see what her pedi says at her appointment in two weeks. Meorah isn't that much bigger (roughly 16 lbs, I think), but she looks huge compared to her sister. Which is all amusing considering its Tzelia who can eat the real food and Meorah who hasn't figured it out.

Zev is being a bit more difficult in the evenings. Our little boy who used to love to go to bed now decides to have a melt-down every night when we tell him its time for bed. Most of the time he's the only one going upstairs, so I understand his reluctance. To make it worse, in the last few days he's started coming downstairs around 6:30am (I'm usually pumping then, so at least I'm down there already) rather than staying in his room until someone comes to get him. We're going to have to break him of this habit. Today I just told him to go back upstairs and find Daddy. Ha.

As for me....surgery in 4 days. Jason is going to come with me in the morning and will drive me home (it is outpatient and I will be leaving after I recover from the general anesthesia). The surgery is starting to freak me out more, and I'm also starting to worry about Zev's reaction to my disability afterwards. He did not react all that well when I was on bedrest and in the hospital, and that was a year ago. I won't be able to do much with him for a month or so; he likes to jump on me and that is going to be a big NO-NO. He is old enough to possibly understand a little, so I think I'm going to start talking to him about it so he is prepared.

I have some pictures to upload, but blogger is being difficult, so I'll try to do it later today....

happy belated new year

2010-09-10T12:55:00.000-04:00

L'Shana Tova! Happy new year.

The Jewish holidays are early this year. This September Rosh Hashana fell the week of Labor Day, and Yom Kippur will be in mid-September (and unfortunately on Shabbat, which sucks). I realized the other day I hadn't done my normal yearly personal inventory...normally I spend a day going over the events of the last year and think about what I've learned, where I've been, what direction I am headed in, and my aspirations for the next year.

Honestly, I think I've done a lot of that this year already. I'd rather not recap for the umpteenth time what has been going on. But I would like to try to think about where I'm going and what I'd like to head towards in the coming year....

Being on bedrest did make me stop and actually rest for the first time probably ever. It did teach me a lot (hey, that's how I came up with Meorah's name after all) but I do admit that since being active again I have lost some of that 'balanced' feeling. I am naturally a high-strung person. I decide whether or not a day is successful by how productive I was and how many things got crossed off my 'to-do' list. I have an inability to really sit quietly; I can't even watch a television show without multitasking, and I can't read a book without thinking about what I'm going to do AFTER I am done reading the book. So I do really need to try to bring some balance back into my life and re-learn how to enjoy doing NOTHING and being ok with that.

I do have to give myself credit however for not being as physically active as I used to be: its only my brain that won't be quiet, not my body. Those who know me well know that I used to be a [b]very very[/b] active person: high intensity interval training, jogging, weight lifting, biking, etc. I kept that high activity for years. Bedrest obviously stopped that in its tracks. And since the girls were born, honestly, I've done my lifting and a little bit of biking but that's it. My 'drive' to always be active and moving has disappeared, and for that I am very grateful. It was too exhausting. Sounds odd to be grateful to NOT be so active, but we all fall on one side of the continuum, and I tend to fall on the 'extreme' side. What I need to do now is learn how to quiet the mind like I've learned how to quiet the body.

Motherhood: I think like everyone I have my good days and bad days. I wish I had more patience, particularly for Zev at the end of the long day. Perhaps that is too much to wish for. I know I do a good job and maybe my perfectionism is coloring my view. So maybe rather than more patience for Zev, I need more patience for myself for not being perfect.

Marriage: We have three kids under three. We both work full time. We live in a house that keeps falling apart. Life is stressful. We do have a babysitter and I think we just need to be better at enjoying marriage outside of enjoying parenthood. I don't want to fall into the trap of only living for our children and ending up in trouble later.

In all, I'm pretty happy with how things are going. Life is stressful and busy. We have a lot on our plates. I feel tired and cranky much of the time. But my kids are healthy, our house hasn't fallen down (yet), and no one is in crutches or a cast. Ha.

I do have my surgery in two weeks. I am getting very nervous about that. I am very much looking forward to having this fixed, but not looking forward to the surgery itself nor the recovery period. I'm sure it will be fine and in a few months I will be grateful I had it done. But the day itself will be very nerve-wracking. I have to drive myself there: Jason has to wait for Nicole to come to the house and then he'll bus/bike over to the clinic. So I'll be alone for the pre-op stuff, which is probably right when any PTSD is going to start to kick-in....ever since my hospitalization, even being in a dressing gown makes me very anxious. Hell, smelling the hospital soap makes me anxious. I'll just have to practice my breathing and tell myself it will all be ok... my family will be helping out for the week and a half I am out of work, and that will make things a lot easier.

So happy new year. Its been quite a year. Here's to hoping the next one is a little less eventful.

School is back in session

2010-08-26T13:33:00.000-04:00

Well, not for me. Ever ever ever again.

But for Zev, yes. Nicole is back! Meredith has her last day on Friday and Nicole has started nannying with us again. For this initial week, she is bringing her daughter because she could not get her daughter into the day care until 9/1. If three children are hard, I can't imagine a newborn, twin 9 month old girls, and a toddler. Yikes. Luckily Shaniya is still in the sleep-mode, only being about 3 months old. Still...I'm sure its a very loud house during the day...

I think the summer went quite well. Meredith did a good job and we will be using her ocassionally as a babysitter. Jason and I took her and her boyfriend out for dinner last Saturday as a 'thank you and good-bye' celebration. I think she'll do well. She learned a lot and I'm sure she is MUCH more comfortable with babies now. Ha.

A few photos just for fun...

Fun times.

Getting a little nervous about my surgery in a few weeks. I am scheduled for a diastasis repair on 9/22. The recovery is pretty brutal and I'll be out of work for about a week and a half, at minimum. I've been pondering why its starting to bother me, and I think it isn't the pain/discomfort issue per se. Or even the bedrest itself...after all, I've been-there-done-that. I think its the FACT that the last time I was recovering from abdominal surgery, the girls were in the NICU. I worry feeling the same sorts of aches/pains and dealing with the same movement restrictions is going to bring up a lot of anxiety for me in a PTSD-fashion. Similar to when I see anything Christmas-related...I was listening to some music the other day and it has a 'Christmas-y' feel to it, and immediately felt out-of-sorts. Hopefully since I'm prepared the anxiety will not be so bad. I'm also concerned about the recovery itself...making sure it goes well and I don't do too-much-too soon. If I've learned my lesson from before, I'll take it easy this time....

Other updates: our tree is (finally) going to be taken down. The girls are doing fantastically. They have their six month IE review in a few weeks, and I think they'll be kicked out of the program. We tried to offer Meorah some solid food over the weekend...and after being hit by projectile vomit, I decided to wait a few more weeks before trying again. She is so so so so so close to crawling with purpose. She can scoot herself around and reach out for things she wants, but she hasn't quite figured out how to pull her full body forward yet. In a few weeks, I'm sure. Tzelia is closely behind her in terms of gross motor, although definitely more verbal and I've heard a few 'ga ga's in between the 'ba ba's.

Zev is...Zev. He's doing great sleeping in his 'big boy bed'. He's just a funny kid. Now that Nicole is back, she's going to be working on some potty training with him. He's well aware and knows that once Shaniya is gone, the potty is coming back. Dum dum dum......

I still need a vacation. Looking forward to when I can stop using the breastpump. It will be 9 months in another week or so. I'd love to make it a year....

just a picture

2010-08-09T16:07:00.000-04:00

First, thanks to all for the support that has been offered. I will eventually write a post that explains what is going on, but just don't have the energy to do so. For now, a new picture...probably the best that we have of the three of them...

And one of me and Zev taken this weekend:

censoring

2010-08-02T06:40:00.000-04:00

The problem with having a blog that my friends and family know about is that I have to consider what I'm writing.

I have a lot going on right now and much of it is very personal. Because of the public nature of this blog I don't feel like I can really divulge what is going on, but at the same time I need some way to cope with how I'm feeling. So I may end up writing rather abstractly for awhile, but also just try to focus on the purpose of the blog, which is really how my kiddos are doing.

But before I get into that, I will just say: this year has been horrific. I feel like I'm caught in some kind of vortex of Hell. I'm watching people around me handle things in a way that upsets me, but I do not feel it is my place to criticize. So I'm stuck feeling angry, stressed, sad, and in a sort of limbo-area as I wait to see if all the cards fall or if the house stays upright. I know how hard it is to make difficult decisions, but at the same time, one can be respectful of others while they are processing their thoughts and trying to figure out how best to proceed. It hurts me immensely to see people I love being hurt especially by others I also love.

I really need to remove myself from this situation emotionally because its just killing me. I need to focus on other things for awhile. I'm trying my best, but its difficult.

The kiddos...

Zev has his new 'big boy bed'. The first nap...epic fail. The first night: slightly better. He went up there, and after a little while we heard the door open and the light treading of little feet. Then a door slam. A few minutes later, we heard the door open again and little feet. And a little voice:

"Daddy...daddy....come open the gate so I can come downstairs"

a) Impressive that it was a very complex sentence
b) Amusing that he knew I wouldn't do it (Mommy says 'no')
c) Mild fear that this was going to be going on all night (it didn't...Jason went up and Zev did end up staying in his room)

So the girls are now in their own cribs in their room and Zev has his little bed. It makes reading in his room a little difficult (I manage to squeeze onto the bed with him, but Jason just sits on the floor next to the bed) but it was time for the transition. Not so much for Zev, but for Meorah. Meorah has a tendency to migrate across the crib and there have been a few nights we hear Tzelia crying because Meorah had found her way over to her and rolled on top of her. It would piss me off if I was woken up by some baby rolling on top of me and drooling on my face too. So for the first time since the NICU, the girls are in separate beds. I don't think they really care.

Still dealing with the house issues. Hopefully we can figure out all the insurance stuff and get it taken care of. Just one more stress I have to deal with...

I need a vacation. Or a personal day. I'd take one (and do it for real, unlike last time in which my 'personal day' was really a 'get all my shit done day') but I have too much going on at work.

I need a vacation...

They really don't want to know

2010-07-29T06:47:00.000-04:00

It is a pretty standard question:

"So, how're you doing? How was your weekend?"

At work I'm involved different projects and work with different groups. Some of the people I interact with I only see once every two weeks or so. They are my peers: girls my age, although at different life stages (married, unmarried, children, no children, etc). We had a group experiment yesterday morning and two girls I haven't seen in a few weeks were there. Of course, the first thing one asks is:

"So, how're you doing?"

I was honest in my answer and summarized what's been going on (house issues, family issues, financial stuff, insurance stuff, health issues, etc). Honestly, its a lot. A lot at once. But I wasn't too negative. After all, it is what it is.

But how does one respond when you actually get a REAL answer to that question and it isn't a good one?

"Wow....that sucks...."

And conversation stopper, right there.

So I've concluded that people really don't want to hear how you're doing, unless its good. At least, the casual acquaintances do not really want to hear it. They want to hear that things are good, laugh about a good movie everyone saw recently, maybe chat about BP oil, and move on. But really heavy personal stuff? Nah.

Problem is, its hard for me to censor myself because I have a lot on my mind right now. And I can't answer 'things are great', because they aren't.

How're things?

"Oh, a tree fell on my house and insurance isn't covering it all. I'm living in the Money Pit and everything around me is breaking down. My family life is a huge stressor right now and I don't know exactly how to respond. And I think the only possible thing that could make the situation worse is if my husband or I lost our jobs."

OR

"Things are great! Have you seen that new Leonardo movie? I heard its great."

Gotta learn to just choose response 2 and keep quiet....

I'm losing it.

2010-07-27T06:41:00.000-04:00

I'm losing it.

Seriously. Losing. It.

The tree branch crashed into the house Saturday morning. Took out part of our deck, part of our (new) roof. And did some damage to our neighbor's house.

The tree guys came yesterday and removed the branch. They left the wood, but removed the branch. The insurance assessor came over to take a look and to give us an idea as to what was covered.

Branch removal from the house: covered.
Damage to the house and deck: covered.
Removal of debri: covered up to $500 (its going to cost more than this).
Removal of the tree itself: not covered.
Fixing the lawn if we remove the tree which will be totaled because they have to bring in a crane to do it (which we really have to do because its dying and is going to a) either fall or b) negatively affect the resale value of the house): not covered.
Payment of deductible: obviously we have to do.

This is an extra 5K or so we weren't expecting. We had been planning on getting rid of the tree and paying for that, but now that part of it fell, not only do we have to pay for that, BUT we have to pay the deductible on our insurance (and possible our neighbor's insurance because we're good neighbors) and pay to fix up the lawn once they ruin it with the truck and equipment.

I'm upset because I was expecting them to cover tree removal. Jason is going to double check with them today, but it looks like it won't be covered.

So there is this $$ to worry about.

My surgery in September, which isn't covered by insurance: more $$ to worry about. Plus the ramifications of the surgery itself. Already partially paid for that and unfortunately even though it is 'elective' surgery, it is severely affecting my emotional state so I really can't cut this out.

Our nanny expenses are going to go up once Nicole gets back because we a) pay her more and b) are going to do it legally which means covered an extra 10% for taxation purposes.

Oh, and did I mention my parents are having issues, which is affecting my emotional life right now? And that Jason sprained his rotator cuff when he woke up by the sound of the tree hitting the house on Saturday? Plus lots of work stress that is going on right now, for both Jason and myself? And that my nanny is freaking out because she realized that the branch could have fallen on her or the kids (it fell right where they play)...and of course if I stop to think about that I have a panic attack myself.

I. Am. Seriously. Losing. It.

I'd say things could get worse, but I feel like I'd be tempting fate if I said that.

"The tree is broken...Daddy will fix it"

2010-07-21T06:53:00.000-04:00

And off she goes!!

I have not had a chance to write recently. Things have been pretty much the same. The heat has been brutal, so we've been spending more time outside:

Zev LOVES this splash pool that my grandfather bought for him. Give the boy a bucket and either some water or some mulch, and he's a happy camper for at least two hours. Note the crazy hair: I don't know what we're going to do with this. We're not going to cut his hair until he's three (Jewish thing) and it gets a bit unruly (we tell him he has 'crazy hair' and I put 'shmotz' in his hair every morning). The boy looks like Kramer most of the time. Eh, at least he's not trying to hit on any women...

Girls are both close to starting to cruise around. Meorah is very adept at the 'swimming/Superman' movements babies do right before they are able to pull themselves along the floor. Its funny watching her: she gets on her tummy and is trying so hard to move around, then gets really frustrated and starts to yell. She just ends up spinning herself in a circle. Tzelia does the same thing: both are great at getting on their tummies, and then they get stuck there. I tell them they just need to learn to roll back over, because every time I flip them back, they just immediately roll onto their tummies again. Not too bright. They'll have to get by on their looks.

Jason and I had our five year anniversary a few days ago. We had a babysitter come over and went out for lunch. Such a small thing, but really enjoyable. The night before, I asked him what his favorite moment in the last five years was. His response: seeing my reaction to that first 'real' ultrasound when I was pregnant with Zev. That would definitely be up there for me, too. Other highlights:

1) Telling Jason I was pregnant with Zev (we did infertility treatments for all the kiddos, so it wasn't a complete surprise, but still fun to share)
2) Our vacation to Yosemite. Beautiful hiking and the first time I stayed in a bed and breakfast.
3) Walking around the city after our wedding in our wedding garb and people stopping us to ask if we had just gotten married. Well, duh!
4) Honeymoon in Jamaica, even with the horrible horrible sunburn I got and the...intestinal bug we both got
5) Telling Jason we were having twins (granted, also a yucky experience because we were in the ER at 2 in the morning because I was bleeding and we had Zev with us, but still rather fun)

More of course, but those are a few of the (clean) highlights.

Got some bad news yesterday: the tree in our backyard has to come down ASAP. There is a new crack in it, so it needs to come out immediately. The tree is a few hundred years old and the largest tree in the neighborhood. We will lose ALL our shade in the backyard, and our entire landscaping was designed around this tree. It is very upsetting. But it would be more upsetting if the tree fell on our house (although, as Jason said, it would mean we could get a new fridge! Ours sucks) or someone else's house. There is an extra 3K we were hoping to hold off on. Not to mention the extra $$ to redesign the backyard, which we'll probably put off until next year. We're in the Money Pit. The tree, my surgery, one of our cars needs to be looked at, we just replaced our roof....I could go on. Jason did just get a new job that came with an over 20% salary increase, but come on people!! In addition, when Nicole comes back to work for us in Sept, we're going to start taxing her, which means our out-of-pocket expenses for her are going to go up 10% since we have to cover her Medicare and SS. Sigh.

Think I'm going to take a personal day tomorrow. Too much crap to do and I can't do it with three rug rats around. While I do 'enjoy' this time, part of me is really looking forward to when they are more independent...

on a positive note

2010-07-11T13:37:00.000-04:00

To follow up on yesterdays rather negative post:

So there are definitely good moments in there....

As a funny story: Meredith has been taking the kids out to community playgroups that are run by our town's family center. She took them to a rather big one the other day, and (of course) people were asking about the girls. "Are they twins", "Are they yours", etc. She told me a few people started inquiring about what Jason and I looked like....since the girls look so different in coloring, people were trying to ask (in a nice way) if Jason and I were a biracial couple.

I thought that was rather amusing.

And FYI, no we are not. Although Meorah does have my pink-ish coloring and light eyes, while Jason is one of those people who tans very easily and can get very dark, attributes Tzelia obviously shares.

I don't know where Zev got his light brown hair from, but he also has a pink skin tone although he has very dark eyes. So I guess he's a cross between the two of us.

I'm trying not to feel so negative. I think I'm just emotionally exhausted. Work is also very busy, so I really don't get much of a break. People tell me to stop pumping in the middle of the night, but honestly...its about the only 'me' time that I get. If it means slightly less sleep for half an hour of uninterrupted time, I'll take it. Jason himself has been going to bed later and later just so he too can have a little personal time.

Gotta take it when you can.

This is hard...

2010-07-10T21:24:00.001-04:00

'Nuff said.

There are days I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I never thought I'd have three children. I never had a maternal instinct when I was younger. Never wanted kids. But then I met my husband and we got married. And I realized I wanted a 'family' with him. A 'family' is different than 'a baby'. Had I never gotten married, I probably never would have heard the maternal clock ticking away...

And now I'm in a family of five. Even in my original (and naive) daydreams, it never included three children. One, maybe two. But three? And two at once?

And this is hard. A toddler can be hard. One baby can be hard. Two babies can be hard. But all three together....

My husband and I like to joke: people with one baby have it easy. Suckers. People with a toddler and one baby? Bah. No right to complain. The only people who have it worse are people with higher order multiples. To them....I bow my head.

There is no break. Someone always needs something. To be held, to be fed, to be read to....

It never ends.

I know it will get easier. I know these years are the hardest. But I feel old...and when it does get easier, I'll be even older.

It sucks. It really does sometimes.

Of course I love my children and I wouldn't change a thing....or would I?

Sigh....

Happy Fourth of July! Finally a good weekend.

2010-07-06T21:07:00.000-04:00

A nice long three day weekend.

It was in the 90s here in Boston over the weekend. Oppressive heat. I wanted to do something to celebrate the fourth, and we ended up going to a local park that was having some parades and other activities. Zev was really too young for those, so we spent most of the time at the playground that was there. But wow, it was hot! Tzelia ended up getting very overheated, so we left on the earlier side. Post-nap, we let Zev play in the splash pool my grandfather bought him...which he loves.

No fireworks for me. I played trombone for over 10 years and could probably play the 1812 Overture in my sleep. No interest in listening to that again. But it was still a celebratory weekend! Three reasons:

1) Jason and I got a babysitter to come over on Saturday and we went out to lunch....alone!!! Two hours with no babies!!! We decided we have to have her come over every other week or every third week so we can get out and do that more often. Just to stay sane...

2) On Monday the 5th we had Meredith come over even though we weren't working and...I went to the movie theater!! I haven't been to a theater in probably a year and a half. You could hold a gun to one of my children's heads and I still wouldn't be able to tell you the last movie I saw. How sad. We saw Toy Story 3, which was entertaining. I probably would have preferred something a bit more 'high brow', but I was ok doing the more 'light and brainless' movie. It was cute.

3) One of my insurance appeals came through!! Whoo-hoo! I was having problems with insurance covering the girls' formula. Initially when we were on Jason's insurance it was covered 100%, but when we switched from an HMO to a PPO it stopped being covered...only they didn't tell us. So we kept getting formula delivered to the house every month. After three months of that we got a bill and found out we owed over $1000. Ummmmm....no. So I appealed, arguing that we were never informed that it stopped being covered and I wasn't going to pay for it. And they granted my appeal. Go me!!

I'm still waiting on one more appeal (short term disability related to my pneumonia...I should hear soon....)

I feel much more rested. And...the girls actually went to bed around 7:30pm the last few nights rather than the 9pm they had been doing all last week. I'm hoping that was just a phase and we're back to an earlier bed time. Because I seriously couldn't take that late bed time anymore. It meant no dinner until after 9pm and I just can't last that long.

Totally unrelated, but Zev has started saying something which is really cute. When you tell him not to do something or you say something he doesn't like, he'll say: 'Don't say that'. "Zev, don't go over there, you need to stay near mommy". "Don't say that" (said in a soft, upset voice).

He really is an adorable little boy. A very happy baby. And so are the girls. They actually are following in his footsteps: they wake up happy, sleep well once they go to bed, and are pretty easy babies. Too bad I won't be having any more kids, because I must be genetically blessed.

So tiring....

2010-07-02T15:33:00.002-04:00

Is it bad that I'm dreading going home?

The girls have decided that they no longer want to go to bed at 7:30pm, which they've been doing rather consistently for the last three months or so. No. Now they would prefer to go to bed around 9:30-10pm. But they would also prefer to be held from 8pm until then and need a lot of help to actually go to sleep.

Fantastic.

And throw Zev on top of that, who now goes to bed around 8pm.

Suffice it to say the last few evenings have been...hellish. Tiring. Dinner ends up being around 9pm, during which I am finally pumping and then I crash. Time to chat with my husband? Yeah, not-so-much. Time to myself? Uh-huh... Jason gets around that one by staying up even later, but since I end up pumping again in the middle of the night, that is a no-go for me.

I didn't think things could get more overwhelming, but there you go. I now realize how important that extra hour or so we had of quiet actually was....

I'm hoping this is just a temporary phase. Or I really will go absolutely insane. We will have a bit of a respite this weekend. Tomorrow we're having a baby sitter come over around Zev's nap time and Jason and I are going to escape for a lunch date. And on Monday, although we are not working, we are still having Meredith come over and I think we'll (gasp) go see a movie.

I seriously cannot remember the last movie I saw in the theater. You could hold a gun to my head, and I still couldn't think of it. Its probably been around a year. Sad, I know.

Other update: surgery is scheduled! I decided to get my diastasis repaired and will be having that done on 9/22. It made sense to wait until after a big project was over at work, as well as the Jewish holidays. The recovery is a 6 week recovery, with the first 2 weeks rather hard-core. I get to come home with drainage tubes. yay! And not allowed to pick up anything heavier than my purse for those initial weeks...that would include toddlers and babies. We will need help, and our family has agreed to be available for those first weeks post-surgery. Its going to be rough, but I admit to being happy that it is scheduled. I've been really miserable while dealing with this problem and I'm looking forward to getting it fixed. I just hope we're able to get the help we need: Jason can't be a single dad again, so we'll need nightly help for at least the first week, if not the first week and a half. I'll be out of work for about 2 weeks and on restricted activity for the full 6 weeks...but at least I know what that feels like!

No plans for the fourth. There are some kiddie activities around the area and we may try to hit them. But, as I've said before, getting everyone out of the house sometimes just isn't worth the stress....

WTF??

2010-07-01T19:27:00.000-04:00

I'm too annoyed to post why I'm annoyed. But let me just say: WHAT THE FUCK??

Are people really that self-absorbed?

Really. I've seriously had enough of people right now...

a vent

2010-06-30T06:29:00.000-04:00

Coming off a few days of Hell....

"You must have your hands full"

I hear that a lot. And I always laugh and say "yes I do". And while I love my daughters (and my son), I do need to vent for a bit.

We had the evening from Hell the other night. My grandfather was in town and thus we all wanted to get together to spend some quality family time. It was decided the best time to do so was Saturday night, for a dinner out. My mother wanted to go to where my BIL was working as a restaurant manager: the restaurant has a 'tiki bar' during the summer on a pond they have on the property.

I was not a fan of this plan. The timing was bad, it was over an hour away, and it was going to screw up my pumping schedule as well as the girls' sleeping schedule. Not to mention that there was going to be nothing for us to eat since we keep kosher. But I was outvoted and against my (and my husband's) better judgement, we agreed.

It was a disaster. I won't go into that much detail, but suffice it to say that as soon as Meorah woke up from the car ride, she took one look at all the faces, heard the loud noise from the band/people and started screaming.

And didn't stop for over an hour.

That hour was spent with Jason or myself trying to calm her down while everyone else had a good time. It wasn't until about half-way through that people started offering to help. For that first half hour, Jason and I just separated ourselves away while everyone else was having a great time and we were left to deal with two screaming babies (Tzelia likes to sympathy cry, so once Meorah starts she'll get into it as well). Finally people started to offer to help and allowed us to actually eat something (another rant I won't get into...lack of food...what's the point in inviting someone out to dinner when you know they can't eat anything there? Would you ask a vegetarian to a steakhouse?) but I found it disheartening how people love to offer to help, but when it comes down to it, people just like happy babies. Everyone is willing to help and hold or feed a happy baby. When the going gets tough, people start to scatter. Jason and I used to look forward to family get togethers, but not so much anymore...we know it will end with the two of us dealing with an unhappy baby up past her bedtime, while everyone else is having fun and conversations... Eating will be in two minutes caught in between trying to keep two babies calm and Zev occupied. Misery. More stress than fun.

Granted towards the end people helped. My dad was good at taking Meorah for a bit while Jason tried to eat something (really bad pizza, pie, and cornbread. Fantastic). And my grandfather kept Zev occupied. But why did it take half an hour of screaming before anyone noticed how miserable we were?

The only good thing that came out of the hour of torture: evidence that it was unrealistic to expect us to be able to do this. Why make the people with the most hardship travel the furthest and go through the most difficulty? And my the worst part? My grandfather's comment to Jason at the end: "We could have come out to you".

Sigh. What hurts me the most is that my grandfather didn't get a chance to really meet my daughters. They were too upset the entire time. And I felt bad for them: all they wanted to do was go to sleep. They didn't want to be forced out of the house in a loud environment around strange people, noises, and smells.

Zev at least had a good time. And that was the rationale of meeting there: there was a nice little play area for him. But unfortunately it was a bad idea for the other four members of his immediate family. We decided: never again. Dinners out with extended family are no longer an option for us unless it is VERY local.

Life is hard. Last night Meorah decided to get up every 2 hours for no real reason. So this vent is coming off of a few days of hell.

As a totally unrelated note, I had a surgery consult yesterday and will follow up on that in another post.

I'm sick of babies.

just a few pictures

2010-06-25T22:02:00.000-04:00

Its a little blurry, but finally we have another picture of all five of us. This was at Fathers Day brunch. It was a nice morning out with my parents, my sister, her husband, and my nephew.

My sister, her husband, and Meorah. I think Meorah looks a lot like Julia: they have the same color eyes and shape of the face.

Not taken that day, but I really like this picture:

Lots of stuff going on, but going to save it for another post. Money issues...yet again. Another financial hit. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I weren't an adult....

6 months and counting

2010-06-09T06:35:00.001-04:00

Six months. The girls are six months old. I've been pumping for six months, which was my first goal.

Pictures from the last few weeks:

At the girls' naming

Meorah with her typical 'WTF' expression

After the naming party

A happy moment...gotta capture these when we get them

In all, things are going well. Nicole is off (still no baby in sight, though!!) and Meredith is now our nanny. She'll continue for the rest of the summer. So far she hasn't run screaming, although I know she is exhausted at the end of the day. But as she told me yesterday: she can deal with being tired for a summer. She's making a lot more $$ working for me than she did for her previous mommy. She's definitely earning it, though.

The girls are doing great. They're around 11-12 lbs and have their 6 month appointment tomorrow. I made my initial six month goal of breastfeeding/pumping, and have extended it for another three months. While I don't particularly like pumping, I hate (hate hate hate hate hate hate) formula. Not that I think its bad for the girls (I don't), but I think its disgusting. Blech. I hate working with it, I hate the smell, and I think its just revolting. The longer I can put off formula 24/7, the better. We're in the middle of an insurance issue with the formula (which I'll save for another post....I'll have to vent AGAIN about insurance companies), but I'd rather deal with the pumping than deal with formula. Even if it means bitching to BCBS for another month.

Still loving the cloth diapers. Oh how I wish I had done this with Zev...

Zev is now getting out more, which I like. She takes them all out for walks and is exploring other places to go. It helps that the weather is getting nicer. He is starting to get a bit more territorial...when I get home and say 'hello' to the girls, he yells at me: "No! No hello!!" and will sometimes block me from going over to them. Its rather cute, actually. He's had a lot of transitions and has weathered them so well. If this is the worst that he gets, I'll take it.

As for me, eh. Work is very busy. I'm (finally) seeing a GI specialist tomorrow. It took three months to see him, and its rather annoying that now that I have an appointment with him, my reflux seems to be under control. But then, its under control because I'm taking the Rantidine 2x/day. And, it will be helpful to have a specialist looking after me. So I kept the appointment. I'd rather not have to be on meds forever, and I'll need someone to monitor my care.

I'm actually seeing another doctor for something else as well, but will save that for another post since its rather a big deal and would rather not ramble on and on here. So I'll update that either today or tomorrow...

Oh and to add to the drama: our backyard after the big storm that blew through here this weekend:

Nice, huh? Happened after our party. Our wonderful neighbors were nice enough to help cut up the branch after Jason managed to get it down so we can eventually remove it. Trees were fallen all over Boston with the massive winds that came through. We're just lucky it didn't hit the house or during the party and hit a child...

Just some more pictures....

2010-05-20T21:10:00.000-04:00

Because we have them....

And my fave:

I had asked when the girls would start to notice each other in my last 'moms of multiples' meeting. Singleton babies start noticing other babies around 7 months or so. But for twins, it can be earlier. I've noticed this in the girls: Tzelia specifically has been 'sympathy' crying when she hears Meorah cry. And while they do not interact with each other, I do catch them smiling at each other occasionally. It will be fun to see how they grow up together. After all, they are never alone right now: they are always with each other and even sleep together in the same crib. Is it weird to be jealous of that relationship? Its something I'll probably never understand, but as I said, it will be a lot of fun watching it develop. I'll have to check out some books on twin development and see what I can learn....

enter mommy guilt...

2010-05-17T11:48:00.000-04:00

It was a rather long weekend. What was supposed to be a two hour project on our deck stairs turned into an entire weekend project for my husband. The original plan of replacing just a step became replacing the entire stairs as he discovered most of the wood was rotted. So while he was busy doing that, I played single parent for most of the weekend. I was able to do a bit of my own outdoor work; I needed to clear out my garden and get it ready for planting. But other than that hour outside, the rest of my time was spent with the girls and Zev inside during the day. We did manage to escape out to dinner Sat night, which was much needed. By Sunday I still wasn't up for cooking, so we picked up food from Whole Foods for dinner.

Why so exhausting? Zev decided it was time to act like a typical 2 year old. A normally happy-go-lucky child became a melt-down loving toddler. He would burst into tears over (nothing) little things four or five times a day all weekend. Some of it was pretty normal for a toddler: the response to a 'no', for example. And some of it was just communication issues, I think...he would often say he wanted something (to read a particular book) and then when I would tell him to go get it to read, he would freak out and scream NO!! NO read book!!

Just difficulty in expressing himself, perhaps. But by Sunday I was rather short tempered, and I hate it when I feel short tempered with him. It isn't fair...he's just being a toddler. It isn't his fault he can't communicate well and it isn't his fault his parents are stressed and tired. And it isn't his fault he can't get out during the week anymore. Or that his weekday evenings are full of an exhausted Mommy and Daddy who just want to go to sleep and don't have enough energy to sit with him.

I need to do better with him.

I did take him to the YMCA for the 'tumbling' class I signed him up for. He actually doesn't like the tumbling (the balance beam is 'scary'), but I found him a basketball and he LOVED that. Even the teacher commented on how happy it made him. So we spent half an hour chasing the basketball around while the other toddlers played on the little obstacle course that was set up. I was hoping to chat with some of the other moms, but didn't get a chance since my son decided to ditch them all for the basketball. Oh well. I would have liked to have met new people (I really want to make new mommy friends...I feel like my social life is lacking), but it was more important to spend quality time with Zev. And we had fun.

And following up on my last post, Zev's old day care will take him back two days/week for their preschool. But after looking at the tuition (gasp!!), we decided to sign him up for a toddler group at a local temple. It happens to be full, but if there is a cancellation we may get in. If not, I'll just find individual things for him to do...more things at the YMCA, etc. And Nicole will be mobile again, so they will be able to get out of the house.

This is hard. And its hard for me not to be too jaded in general. Survival mode is getting old...

Mothers Day Recap

2010-05-12T07:25:00.000-04:00

My husband rocks.

He told me he had something planned for me for Mothers Day and that it was a surprise. We had to be somewhere at 1pm and to expect to be done around 2:30. We had Meredith (nanny) come over and he was going to whisk me somewhere.

Knowing him (and knowing what he knew I wanted/needed) I figured he had booked me for a massage somewhere. I've been saying I needed one, and he is big on massage therapy.

I was right. We ended up at Bella Sante and I was given a robe and flip flops. They asked what I was there for, and I said I had no idea. So imagine my surprise (and pleasure) in discovering that he had booked me for a vichy shower. Thirty minutes of a salt scrub: you are naked, with carefully placed towels, on a table and get a full body exfoliating scrub. Followed by a warm rinse with a shower rod and the opportunity to lay there with the warm water sprinkling from above for as long as you like.

The only thing I would suggest is, if you go for this treatment, do NOT wear mascara. I looked like a raccoon at this point.

After the shower, I stepped into the steam room while the room was prepped for a massage. The last half hour was a full body massage with hot compresses infused with lavender.

Dude. The only slightly disconcerting thing was the man doing my treatment. He was about my age, but had a bit of a 'frat boy' take to him. He would ask how I was doing, and I would respond that I was fine. He would always reply: "All riiiight!!". Yeah. This isn't a sporting event. Take the 'dude' attitude elsewhere, please. But he gave a good massage and was very careful to tell me how he was averting his eyes when I needed to roll over...I was naked, after all. I told him not to worry: after all I went through in the hospital (pre-term labor drugs necessitating someone to lift my body to use a bed pan because I was too weak to lift up my butt, throwing up on people and in random containers, having someone wash me after using the bathroom, not to mention being in labor and all the exams that entails) I no longer have any real form of modesty or care about people seeing my body. Whatever.

The treatment was fantastic. I left covered in lavender oil, so next time I would probably bring extra clothes and use their shower. And there may be a next time: my MIL was wonderful enough to give me a GC to that same spa when she found out how much I liked it. Now I just have to find the time to book another one...

Haven't posted pics in awhile. These were from that morning:

Girls are getting big. They are sleeping through the night, but I still get up to pump. Its important to me to keep that going. My first goal is 6 months, which is just another few weeks. We will go from there.

Zev is also doing fine, although I feel really guilty that he does not get out of the house so much, now that Nicole is doing so poorly. She is only going to continue working until the end of the month, after which Meredith will take over. I'm going to make sure Meredith gets out of the house at least 3x/week just so Zev can not feel so contained. He seems happy and fine, but I wonder if his increased whiny-ness is due to being bored during the day. And I'd like him to have some more stimulation and interaction other than his sisters. I started looking into preschools, but it turns out he will only be 2 years 8 months in Sept....and all preschools require the kids to be 2.9. Bugger!! There is one toddler program that accepts younger children but it is full. I may apply anyway just in case someone cancels, which is what the coordinator recommended. And I'm sure when Nicole comes back in Sept she will be taking them out again....again, I just want him to be happy. :( He seems so fearful of the playground now, and he wasn't like that a year ago. Luckily he plays well with others when he is with other children, but I don't want him to lose that either. I want him to have friends his own age, and that's pretty difficult when he's stuck at home with his sisters all week....

I just tell myself he is young and this is just temporary. He has lots of time to get out and be social. Jason and I just have to also be sure to have good 1-1 time with him in the evening, which is hard when we are both tired and the girls need attention too.

But no one ever said this was easy... which is why I really really needed that massage....

And it all went to Hell...

2010-05-06T09:15:00.000-04:00

First the good news...it seems the Zantac is actually doing something! The last few days I have had very minimal acid pain, which has made me very happy. Still not quite 100%, but definitely an improvement. All good.

And then yesterday everything went to Hell. I had planned to run to the cloth diaper store to return/exchange the cloth diapers I had used on their 'borrowing' plan, and just as I got into the car I got a call from Nicole. She was in triage with heart palpatations and a resting HR of 130. She had been at the hospital for an appointment and Meredith (our other nanny) was home with the kiddos for the morning until Nicole could get there for the afternoon.

Great. So I had to book it home to make sure Meredith could leave for her other job. Was pulled over by a cop for reckless driving, but was crying due to the stress so I think she just took pity on me. I let Meredith go and told her we'd update her when we learned how things were going.

But I still had to go to run this diaper errand because the diapers were due for return. So, all three kids into the minivan! Its hard enough with Jason and I doing it, but the 1:3 parent to child ratio definitely takes some work. I did manage to make it out there and I'm sure I was a sight parallel parking the minivan and carting out the double stroller with the infant car seats and with Zev holding onto the stroller as we walked down the (very busy) street to the store. But I did feel some achievement in getting the errand done and was able to return what I needed to return.

Made it home rather late for Zev's lunch, but he was able to eat and off to nap he went. Now I was late pumping and I hadn't eaten, but neither had the girls. The rest of the afternoon involved three females, lots of tears from everyone because the two littlest females refused to nap and wanted to be held non-stop while the big female really needed to pump (and, FYI, pumping while holding a crying baby doesn't work). It really was my version of Hell. I couldn't get Zev up from his nap until late because whenever I got up and was out of sight M would start to scream which would make T scream in empathy. It was a no-win: Zev had to be up but he would just add to the chaos. Ugh.

We had an OT appointment that evening, and she was a little late, but it did go well, thank goodness. As soon as Jason walked in the door, I said: I'm done. Was finally able to pump and he managed the three of them while I escaped to Stop and Shop to ~~run away~~ pick up some things quickly.

But I wasn't done. When I got home, Zev was in bed but the girls were still extremely fussy. Jason can stand their crying more than I, so I ended up continuing to feed them, and then I think Jason felt bad, so he took T while I took M. FINALLY they were able to lay down but it was after another hour of needed to be held.

Really bad. really really really bad.

As for Nicole, they are ruling out a cardiac shunt which could possibly mean she will not be able to return to work at all for the remainder of her pregnancy. Leaving us to figure out what to do until Meredith can take over full-time. And poor Nicole...at least with my complications MY health was ok. She may be facing heart surgery if the cessation of her pregnancy doesn't alleviate her symptoms...

Yeah, the Zantac WAS working....

Me and the girls

2010-05-03T07:03:00.000-04:00

Weekend alone with the girls...

Jason took Zev to Chicago for the weekend. His first cousin once removed (daughter of his first cousin, for those not up to par on geneology!) was having her Bat Mitzvah this weekend. Since this was the side of the family that recently had a death and we were unable to go to the funeral, it was doubly important for someone to go to this family event. Jason thought it would be fun to bring Zev, provided I was fine being home alone with the girls for the weekend. They left early Saturday morning and were back around midday on Sunday.

First me: I actually had a nice time. I'm lucky that the girls are quite easy. I didn't get to sleep in (not that I do regularly anyway), but it was really nice spending some 1-1 time with them. I think one of the best things in the world is when a baby is looking at you and you just know you are her whole world. Such overwhelming love...it really is incredible. I'm going to have to remember that feeling when they are 13 and yelling at me for being a mean mom and not letting them do whatever it is they want to do. Ha. As far as how it went, we got up, ate, we did a lot of tummy time/playtime. While they napped I went through a bunch of my to-do list that I've been meaning to get done.

A big thing was Zev's toys. He has a fair amount of toys like most kids. Mainly books, but also Legos, blocks, puzzles, etc. I am very anti-marketing towards children, but we also have some 'theme' toys: Sesame Street, mainly, that other people have bought for him. He does not watch TV at all (he is over 2 and I know lots of parents have their toddlers watch TV once in awhile, but I'm just not a fan of that plan for us...different strokes for different folks) but he knows Satan Elmo, Cookie-Monster, etc. And he can recognize Mickey Mouse. He doesn't know the 'newer' characters that seem to be popular now, again, because he doesn't watch TV and I don't buy those sorts of things. I don't even know any of the characters I see around on children's toys. But a lot of the toys he does have have lots and lots of pieces...which inevitably get lost. Puzzle pieces, Lego pieces, parts of a train set, random blocks....one of my goals was to go through his bins and find all these pieces and try to put them together again. And success! Of course, by next week they will all be missing again, but at least I started...

My other 'to do' list was to go through the girls' clothes. They are getting bigger (M is up to 10 lbs 7oz and T is up to 9 lbs 10 oz) and it was time to turn over their clothes. And, I just got two big garbage bags full of clothes from someone in my 'moms of multiples' group for just $25. Go me!! At this point, I could open my own children's clothes boutique. Next on my list if figuring out exactly how to organize all these clothes in their closets... And figure out what to do with all the clothes they grew out of. I do have to say, dressing girls is a lot more fun than dressing boys. Lots of cute little outfits.

So it was a rather productive weekend. Of course, I should have taken advantage of the situation and...napped. Ha. No. My routine Saturday: two loads of laundry, organized Zev's toys, organized the girls' clothes, researched more of my cloth diapering, pumped, took the girls for a walk, had a friend come over...there was no napping in there. My girls did give me a nice gift though: both slept through the night. While T has been doing that somewhat regularly, M usually gets up once. I think she decided to be nice to her mommy and slept from 8:30-6. T slept from 9-9, the lazy thing. But I won't complain.

I did very much miss Zev and Jason. They had a good time and I'll post some pictures from their weekend once they are uploaded.

And back to Monday!

Happiness is

2010-04-26T11:29:00.000-04:00

Sleeping next to a baby.

We don't cosleep with the girls. Cosleeping with twins would be rather tricky, especially with just a queen sized bed. But we coslept with Zev for awhile. Jason would do the first night feeding around 1am (I would pump then) and I would do the 4am breastfeeding...and we would all just sleep together until it was time to get up. Which, while I was on maternity leave, was whenever we felt like it. Jason would often end up sleeping with Zev on his chest as well, on nights in which Zev was particularly fussy.

I do feel sad that I can't do that with the girls. I really loved sleeping next to Zev when he was so little. But this weekend I had a little reminder...Jason was out getting his hair cut and the girls were sleeping on the couch. I was in the kitchen and I heard Meorah start to fuss a bit. She had only been down for about an hour, so I knew she wasn't really hungry. So I went in there and moved her around and laid down next to her with Tzelia laying perpendicular at the top of our heads. M's head was right next to mine, and my hand just laid on her chest so she knew I was there.

And we all laid there peacefully for another hour. Jason came home somewhere in there, and my plan had been to run some errands when he got home...but I chose to stay with my girls and enjoy my little babies.

They'll be too big for that soon, and while I'm looking forward to having fun with them when they are Zev's age, sometimes its nice to appreciate the 'baby-ness' while we have it.

We're in the midst of trying out cloth diapers. A store near me offers a 'rent to own' program, where you can try out diapers for a fee, and then buy them at a discount or return what you don't like. Some we already like and some are not as successful quite yet. But I do really want this to work because I love the idea (and the $$ savings).

On Sunday, we took Zev to our local YMCA for a class I signed him up for: Tumbling Tots, or 'Run around the gym like a crazy 2 year old'. He loved it...they had a moon bounce, climbing structures, and the expected basketballs. I think I've said this before; I feel so bad that he is generally stuck in the house all week since Nicole cannot get out, and it makes me sad to think he isn't getting much social interaction other than his sisters. I watched him with the other children in the gym and he was really trying to get involved with the other children, most of whom already knew each other. It made me sad to watch...I want him to have his own group of kids to play with, and I suppose this is the disadvantage of not being in day care right now. I hope that this class, and any others I find will help. Plus, I'm going to have Meredith (temp nanny) take him out on Weds to story time and other activities so he can continue to branch out.

Not that he knows the difference, but I don't want him to be lonely....

H.pylori, gallstones, and an upper endoscopy later....

2010-04-24T07:42:00.000-04:00

My body is falling apart. Sigh.

The heartburn has been increasingly worse. My physician had given me a prescription for another round of 2x/day Prilosec to see if that would make a difference. After a week and a half I wrote her an email stating that it wasn't working and I couldn't take it anymore. From there, it made sense to try to rule everything out. H.pylori test done. FAIL. Abdominal ultrasound done to rule out gallstones. FAIL (although I did manage to take a nice nap on the ultrasound table). And then a few days ago, the mother of the GI tests: an upper endoscopy.

I actually don't remember the exam. I was 'semi-conscious' during the exam, which means they gave me happy drugs that not only made me drowsy but inhibited memory consolidation. The last thing I remember before the exam was being asked if I was ready for the drugs.

Before going into the results of the exam, I do have to go off on a tangent. The pregnancy and NICU experience affected me a lot more than I realize. I joke that I must have PTSD, but that probably isn't too far off. Once again I was gowned in a hospital gown, lay down on a gurney, had my vitals taken, and administered an IV. For my abdominal ultrasound, I got to have that jelly smeared all over me and the probe pressed against my abdomen, very reminiscent of my 2 week hospital stay where I had that done two or three times a day over two weeks. For both exams I ended up in tears trying very hard to stay in control. Jason was with me during the endoscopy prep and he asked if I was ok...I lied (of course) and said yes.

I will never be able to get over feeling so out of control and lost. I don't think about it but it really has permanently affected my psyche. I dread the upcoming holiday season: I'm afraid its going to bring back too many flashbacks of that time this past year and being in the hospital/NICU.

And perhaps this is part of the reasoning behind all these GI problems. Because the endoscopy was clear. Which is good and bad. Good: no ulcers, no physical damage. Bad: nothing we can do for you, have a nice day! Not entirely true...I am now on a new medicine protocol. I am weaning off the Prilosec and am starting Zantac while continuing with the Carafate. My doc thought it would be a good idea to follow-up with the GI doctor who did my endoscopy (who did offer to see me regularly). Unfortunately his first opening isn't until June. I took it, and hopefully by then it will just be a nice chat, laughing about how much better I'm feeling rather than another desperate attempt to try something new.

I've done a lot of reading on GERD and how to treat it. Other than meds (which I'm never a fan of, despite working in a pharmaceutical company), lifestyle changes are recommended. No coffee, no caffeine, no de-caf, no chocolate, no spicy foods, no acidic foods, lots of rest and relaxation. Hmmmm.... Unfortunately the caffeine/coffee/rest is a problem. I have 4 month twins and a 2 year old. Rest is variable, which makes coffee/caffeine a necessity not a choice. Obviously I'll have to find some middle ground in here somewhere.... But I suppose this is a problem all working mothers have to deal with.... I just have the unfortunate temperament to ignore my need to rest, and my body decides to rebel.

One of my favorite fitness gurus (although he hates that term) has a saying when people complain about lack of progress towards their goals: "Your body is smarter than you and hates you". He is referring to the body's desire to stay balanced and how much work it takes to change physique, both in muscle gain and fat loss. In my case, my body is smarter than me, and probably isn't too happy with me right now. Gotta learn to take better care of it. Another saying of his that I love: "Life, she's full of compromises", meaning you can't always achieve all your goals simultaneously. You have to pick one thing to work on in order to maximize your results. This is also a good mantra...perhaps it will help me learn to slow down a little...

hoping for gallstones?

2010-04-15T09:33:00.000-04:00

Just because they are so cute:

The last few days I have been so much more tired. By the time I get to work, I already want to go back to bed. I would say how much coffee I am drinking, but its rather embarrassing. Luckily I cannot drink it at my desk, or it probably would be worse. By 9pm I am falling asleep on the couch. This is just my life right now, I suppose.

The only way to feel more rested is to give up the pumping. That way, at least I would have a bit of uninterrupted sleep once in awhile (there are a few nights where the girls do not wake up). But I really don't want to do that, although it would make my life SO SO SO much easier. I pump 8 times a day, and 3 of those are at work. Even with all that, it isn't enough so we do supplement with the preemie infant formula; as I like to say, I make enough for 1.5 babies, but not for 2. Luckily the formula is free due to their preemie status and we even get it delivered to the house once a month. That stuff is (not only disgusting but) expensive...probably close to $20/can. I have about 30 cans sitting in my basement right now. That's a lot of formula.

But I really would like to make it to 6 months of pumping as a first goal. I gave up after 4 months with Zev; going back to work just stressed out my supply too much and I was also breastfeeding. It was too much to handle for me at the time and my supply was really hurting. Now, I'm taking a happy drug to help with supply that I have to pay for out of pocket because it isn't FDA approved for that usage, and I have to get it at a special compounding pharmacy, which is also a pain in the butt. So with the lack of sleep, having to escape from work to pump, taking drugs...all so I can give the girls the breastmilk...its a lot. But obviously worth it to me. While it does have so many inconveniences, this is something I can give them for such a limited amount of time so I'd like to do it as long as possible.

On a related physical update, I had an H.pylori test done this week, which came back negative. I knew it would. I am still having a lot of GI problems, and the next step is an ultrasound to rule out gallstones. I do not think that is the problem, but an ultrasound is a heck of a lot less invasive than an upper endoscopy, which will be the next step. So here's to hoping I have gallstones. Ha. In reality, I don't really care...I just want to know what's wrong. Everytime I eat I am uncomfortable, and I have tried many many drugs that have not helped. I'm already too skinny and don't need to deal with this as well.

On a positive note, I am so glad we have Meredith (new temp nanny) coming in. Jason and I were able to go out for lunch last weekend, and we're hoping to do something this weekend as well. Something to look forward to....

updating with pictures

2010-04-10T14:43:00.000-04:00

I realized I haven't posted pictures in awhile....

On Easter Sunday we went to Devotion playground for something to do. I think all us Jews in Brookline were there...

Jason and Zev at the top of a slide. Zev has recently become fearful of slides. He loved them last spring, but it has been awhile...hopefully he'll get over it.

Here Zev is busy moving all the mulch from the ground to a step while I observe.

The girls were chilling in their car seat stroller. Close-ups just to show how different they look. $10 to anyone who can tell me who is who.

Of course we were chatted up while we were there....twins just bring everyone over to say hi. A mom with her own twins (now 4) stopped by and we shared stories. It was nice.

Girls are doing well. They are both around 9 lbs now and just had their 4 month pedi appointment. The NP was concerned that Meorah was showing some right-sided favoritism, but the OT we have didn't seem too concerned about it. She said most babies favor one side or another now that babies are sleeping on their backs, and gave us some simple things to try to encourage her to turn more towards her other side.

Both girls are now smiling more and coo'ing...just in time, because they are hitting the 'I want to kill you' phase. It must be a survival mechanism: after 3 months of crying non-stop, just when you are about to do something you'd regret...they smile. But then they either pee or spit up on you, and you are back at square one....

Zev is still doing wonderfully. He has gotten really interested in the 'potty', so I went out and bought one. Nicole has potty-trained lots of boys, so I'll be going off her suggestions. I need to buy some training pants, and then we'll be good to go. I'm hoping he'll be easy....he's been easy with everything else.

As for me....reflux/heartburn/whatever is still pretty bad. I'm getting an H.pilori test on Monday to see if that is a cause because the 2x/day prilosec ain't doing anything for me. I had to stop taking the Maalox as well, because even though it helped the heartburn a little bit, it caused so much uncomfortable bloating after a week that I couldn't eat anymore anyway. Which was causing me stress = more heartburn = decreased milk supply = more stress = more heartburn...you get the idea. If that comes back negative she is going to let me see a GI doc.

And now Jason is having chronic headaches. I ran out this morning to a tag sale and when I left he had taken percocet....which did nothing for him. He had been taking 4 advil, to which I told him that he better NOT get an ulcer too. He's napping now before we run out to my parents' house for dinner.

We're just both falling apart. Had I known this would happen when we decided to try for another baby....I would have done it anyway. But it really really sucks.

At least they're smiling.

lifestyle changes..

2010-04-03T08:45:00.000-04:00

Prescription from my doctor: 2x/day Prilosec for a month, and if I don't feel better I get to have an endoscopy. Part of me feels like I don't want to waste my time and just have the endoscopy NOW. I've done the 2x/day routine and while it helped a little...if it worked, would I still be in this place? At the same time, having an endoscopy doesn't exactly thrill me. So we'll give it a whirl. Its just another month. I have found that Maalox helps, but I can't stay on that forever (as my husband pointed out, that would just be asking for esophogeal cancer....that's what I get for marrying an oncology NP).

The girls are becoming more and more interactive. I've been obsessing a little bit about Meorah. She has been a bit less interactive compared to Tzelia: more needy, more volatile, more fussy, less eye contact. I hold Tzelia and she will hold my gaze and try to talk to me. Meorah is more often upset and less willing to look at me. Which of course, given her preemie status, sent me into a panic that something is wrong. It isn't completely unrealistic for me to be worried: they are at higher risk of sensory integration disorders and other problems, and these things can be exhibited rather early. The girls see an OT once a month, and they have an appointment next week, so I was planning on staying home for the appointment so I can chat with the OT and have her work with Meorah on tracking, bringing limbs to midline, and other benchmarks I feel she isn't as strong at.

And then last night I had a great interaction with Meorah and now feel better. She was nice and calm, and we spent a good amount of time cooing at each other. I think Jason is right: she just gets upset very easily, so when she is in that state she is going to be harder to play with. Once she is calm, she does make eye contact and it is easier to see that she is making milestones. She is just hard to keep calm. She isn't a 'fussy' baby...she just likes the one-on-one interaction, and that is hard to do with twins. So I feel better. But I am still going to talk to the OT on Thursday.

Other news for me....as more and more time goes on, I am becoming more and more interested in becoming vegetarian. I haven't eaten chicken or meat in...a very long time. Not since I was in the hospital on bed rest and the only thing on the menu that was palatable was a baked chicken breast (which I had twice a day for two weeks....ugh). I am starting to have a visceral reaction when I think about eating meat now...Jason bought some schmaltz to make matzo balls for Passover and I almost threw up thinking about it. He asked me to taste some of the soup he made with it, and again...the thought made me ill (although I did do it). I just kept thinking about the turkey carcas soaking in water and drinking it what came off of it. It just sounds nasty. I've also been reading a lot of vegan blogs and they really intrigue me. I find myself gravitating more towards that type of eating. I don't want to go full vegan (I like eggs way too much and need protein for my lifting), but more and more a more 'whole foods/natural' approach is occupying my brain. So I'm playing around with the idea. I do like fish though, and since I keep kosher, eating fish makes going out to eat much easier since I also generally stay away from heavy grain dishes due to digestive problems. Eh....everyone is a work in progress, and it will be interesting to see where this interest goes. Regardless, I think I'd like to try to make more vegetarian main meals to try out, concentrating more on legumes, seitan, and whole foods. At the very least, it will be fun.

I've also changed around my workout program (I keep a separate fitness journal so as to keep that separate) and am really concentrating on lifting and regaining my strength. It is going quite well, actually, and am I rather excited about it. I have a pretty extensive knowledge about lifting and have gone back to a similar type program that I did years ago: a push/pull split with very minimal cardio. This is more conducive to my goals and I look forward to seeing how it will progress. If I can regain the strength I lost while on bed rest, I'll be pretty happy. Its slowly coming along. My endurance is also horrible, but I care less about that. I don't really want to spend my time on a cardio machine, and I figure I don't need to be able to run a marathon, ya know? Doing minimally there just for the health benefits and stay 'relatively' in cardiovascular shape. But I think people who run regularly are a little nutso...

Passover and more health concerns

2010-03-31T09:01:00.000-04:00

We continued to be brave and brought the girls out for Passover. Friends invited us over for first seder, and while we originally declined, we talked to our pediatrician and she said we would be ok to bring the girls provided no one was sick and that we wore the girls the entire time. We both really wanted to go, so we did.

I'm glad we did, although it was hard with the girls. Zev was happy enough; he likes the other children (when I told him we were going to see E and B he got VERY excited). And the advantage of going somewhere with other parents is that you don't have to worry that much about your own kid: someone is always watching.

I'm not a fan of babywearing. I know some moms love it and are big into attachment parenting and babywearing 24/7. Personally, I find it physically uncomfortable. The slings are too big for me, and the Bjorn just gets in my way. But it does make things easier, so that's what we did. It was a quick kiddie-friendly service and excellent food. I held Meorah and managed about 2.5 hours before I couldn't take it anymore. We were in the midst of 'fussy time' and neither of us were having it anymore. Plus, I had to pump again. Jason told me he was amazed I lasted as long as I did. Ha. Regardless, I had a really good time and I liked taking the girls out. We haven't been able to do that so we haven't introduced the girls to anyone. Part of the fun part of having a baby is showing them off, and we are missing out on that. But as time goes on, we should be able to do that more often.

Second night we had my parents over. My sister was supposed to come as well, but she emailed me that morning and said she was sick...and what should she do. After chatting with Jason and her, we all decided it was best she stay home. I was really disappointed. I don't get to see her as much as I would like. Everyone is busy and its hard for both of us to get out. Hopefully I'll see her in a few weeks when my grandfather comes to visit. We did have a nice time with my parents. My dad hadn't seen the girls in a few weeks, and as he said: they look like real babies now. Which in a funny way is true. They look so different now compared to when they were born. I forget sometimes. I look back at old pictures of them and remember how much lanugo they had and how tiny they were. All those tubes. They were only 3 lbs when they were born, and they are both around 8 lbs now. Big difference. And as they get older and are interacting more it is even better.

I do have some concerns, mainly regarding Meorah. She is a bit behind Tzelia in her milestones: she makes less eye contact, has less tracking, is harder to soothe with just a voice. I don't know if that is just part of her personality as a naturally fussier baby or if it sometihng to be worried about. But she does see an OT once a month, and I think I'll bring it up with her and see if we can maybe have her seen more often to make sure she is on the right track.

As for me...ugh. Reflux is back. Everytime I eat I feel a burning sensation. I'm back on the Prilosec and I emailed my doctor yesterday to see what she recommends. This will be my third round of Prilosec in about three months. I have yet to be seen by a GI doc, and I think that is the next step. I can't do this forever. I'm pretty sure the ulcer (which was undiagnosed) is gone, but this constant reflux is not something I want to deal with forever. It does give me more empathy to the girls, though. I want to cry after I eat too. I don't think its a coincidence that it got worse as soon as I went back to work. Anyone who knows me knows that I experience stress in my body. Upset stomach, weight loss, insomnia, TMJD....this is how I experience stress and anxiety. It isn't too surprising that I can now add reflux to that list... So we'll see what she has to say. I wouldn't mind seeing a GI doc just to get some answers.

She's hired; pre-Passover

2010-03-29T09:13:00.000-04:00

We ended up going with Meredith. While both girls were experienced and would have been fine, Meredith has a few extra things going for her: she lives much closer and she has Wed free now. In her interview, she said she would want to be paid 17-20/hour for three children (she said she looked it up on sittercity.com). Yeah...far too overpaid for her experience level. So when I made her the offer, I was curious to see if she would counter-offer or try to negotiate. I didn't think she'd have the chutzpah to try....and I was right. She accepted it as it was. Its interesting that most people don't try to negotiate. I have always negotiated at every job I've been offered. I figure, 'you don't ask, you don't get', and employers never recind an offer. I'm not always successful, but it never hurts to ask. I read somewhere that this one of the reasons women are paid less than men for the same job level: men are more willing to ask for a higher initial base salary. When you then factor in % raises, it can add up to substantial differences across gender. Take home lesson: always ask for slightly more than you think you're worth.

We'll be obviously paying her less than Nicole, but now our out-of-pocket expenses will be a bit higher while we are paying both her and Nicole. She'll probably start next week since this week is a holiday.

To celebrate the last day before Passover, we all went to IHOP last night. First time out with everyone. Jason and I are becoming more comfortable with taking the girls out, and we chose a restaurant that was 1) baby friendly and 2) we knew would be empty (it was). I'm not a fan of breakfast-carb-yumminess, so I just has some fruit while Jason and Zev lived up the french toast and pancakes. But that was fine with me...I just liked being out with everyone. We did get looks from everyone who was there, of course. We just kept the girls in their car seats and put them in the booths with us. Worked fine.

Passover starts tonight but we aren't doing a full clean this year. We're too tired. As Jason said this morning: 'We're just staying in Egypt this year'. Ha. We'll do the dietary restriction, but there was no housecleaning, and we didn't switch plates this year. I'm keeping Zev on his normal diet, since he eats a lot of beans/peas/corn/pasta, and I don't want him to live on yogurt and applesause all week (although he'd love that). We are actually going to go to a seder tomorrow at a friend's house (checked...no one going has been sick recently) and then my mom and sister are coming over tomorrow night. I'll be taking tomorrow off from work to help get things ready. If we cook enough, we'll be able to have leftovers for most of the week, which will make things much easier...

nanny decisions...

2010-03-23T09:18:00.000-04:00

We have been interviewing for a temporary nanny position. Nicole, our nanny, is pregnant and due the end of June. We have always known we would have to find someone to cover for her for the 8 weeks or so she will be out. I had been planning on looking for a temp nanny sometime in May.

However, a few weeks ago my mother offered to 'buy' me a mother's helper to help out for a few weeks. Seems she thinks Jason and I are a bit overwhelmed (what could give her THAT impression??). So while thinking about that, I decided I could combine the two positions and have the mother's helper transition into a full time summer nanny. I went to care.com, which is where I found Nicole, and placed an ad about two weeks ago. Tons of responses, and we've been interviewing a few nice girls. The last one will be tonight.

I've been concentrating mainly on college girls, thinking they would have the extra evening/weekend hours now and be free over the summer. The girls are around 22-24 years old, and most are somewhat local. I've been requesting that they work one evening during the week, from about 6-8, and then for a few hours on a weekend. The girls have ranged in experience, from working in a day care setting to only nannying for one child. Most are early education majors and want to be teachers.

So the dilemna...how experienced do I need them to be. For example, we had two girls interview on Sunday morning. The first had a lot of experience: day care setting in both the infant and toddler rooms and will be completing her degree this summer. The second is currently a nanny for a one year old and will be starting her education major over the summer via an online program (will be her second degree; her first is psychology). Her experience is really limited to her large extended family. Normally I'd just jump at the first girl...only her hours are not as good (would not be able to make it to our house until 6:30 at the earliest).

What do we need? A good experienced (although young) nanny, or as Jason puts it a glorified baby-sitter? It will be summer time, so all she will really have to do is take Zev out to the park and make sure no one loses an eye. She doesn't need to teach him...that's what Nicole does and will do when she returns. Even Nicole said she doesn't think we need someone who will be a teacher (although perhaps she is biased...she is rather protective of Zev) because that is her job.

One more interview tonight and then we'll have to make a decision....a cheaper babysitter or a slightly more $$ and experienced nanny....

A day out with everyone

2010-03-21T07:42:00.001-04:00

We decided to be brave and enjoy the spring weather and spend the morning at the Arnold Arboretum. I do have to say that getting all three kids out and about is an adventure. And exhausting. But hey, this is our life now...

Jason and the girls.

Me and Zev playing 'I see you' with a bench.

The first flower Zev ever gave me (although Jason told him to give it to me....)

I like my flower.

Meorah's not a fan of being on the ground...but then, she generally hates everything. She even threw up on daddy twice that day, despite what her shirt says...

While we were taking pictures of the girls, Zev was keeping busy.

Daddy and his girls.

Mommy and her little ones. Adorable, eh?

It was a nice day out.... While we were sitting at one of the benches, I overheard a woman comment as she walked by: "That's a lot of babies".

Well, yes. Yes it is.

Week 1 just about over

2010-03-19T12:00:00.000-04:00

And today ends my first week back to work. How has it gone?

Well, coincidentally I started back just when two major studies are picking up. So I was thrown immediately into working on those. I ended up working late three days this week, and its just my first week back. Next week shouldn't be that bad, though.

I admit that my mood has picked up a lot. Am I too busy? Probably. But the schedule and routine of getting up and going to work, being productive during the day, having adult conversations...it has made me feel better. I have gotten quite a few comments this week about how I'm able to get everything done. People seem to think I'm doing so much. Am I? Or am I such an overachiever that I don't see it? My day yesterday:

Pumped at 10pm the night before.
Woke up to pump around 1:30am.
Alarm went off at 5am: pumped.
After pumping, went to gym. Got there by 5:45. Left at 6:30 (what I do varies by day)
Got home and mixed the day's breastmilk/formula for the girls.
Showered, changed. Had breakfast/pumped. Left around 8:15
Work: busy with various experimental stuff. Pumped 3x/while there.
On the way home, picked up some pants I had altered.
Home: cleaned out breastmilk stuff from work, cleaned out Zev's dishes. Made all his food for the next day.
Played with Zev for a bit and chatted with Jason.
Made our dinners and my food for the next day
Ate dinner
Played with Meorah and sat with Jason and Tzelia.
Made all the breastmilk for the overnight sessions.
Pumped around 10pm

Wash, rinse, repeat. I think I sat down with nothing during that hour dinner. But other than that...nope. But I like it that way. Is that weird? Perhaps I should just accept that I will never be a Zen master. Despite all the activity, I actually feel more RELAXED this way. I think it is because I feel productive again...after 5 months of feeling useless. As I said, my mood has been much improved this week.

Girls are doing well. They had their Synagis shot and were weighed: Meorah just under 8 lbs, and Tzelia around 7.5 lbs. They are getting more and more alert and interactive, which is really nice. I really miss them during the day. After spending 5 months at home with them (pregnant and not) it is hard to be separated. But at the same time, I am glad to be working.

Zev has been hysterical recently. He really is a card. What I find amusing is that he tries to joke with you. He has quite a sense of humor (and will tell you so: Zevy funny!). He still adores his sisters, thank goodness. Not sure how long that will last, but hoping at least until the teenage years. Ha.

Jason has had this week off, and I wish he had had more time to himself. Nicole ended up getting sick after her glucose test the other day and had to take the rest of the day off. I'm 99% sure she's diabetic. She has all the symptoms. Poor thing. We called a back up sitter today so Jason could have a break. I hope wherever he is, he's enjoying himself. He'll start his new job on Monday. I miss him. I am hoping that this temp nanny can also act as a babysitter so we can spend more quality time together. Because we need it. We need to find a way to fit that in there somewhere. We're more than just parents, and I think its important to remember that....

Making it fun...

2010-03-16T13:05:00.000-04:00

Today is Day 2.

Yesterday actually went quite well. I was able to get into my computer pretty easily. I'm amazed I remembered my password from five months ago. I only had 750 emails to go through, and about 99% of them I just deleted without reading them. I cleaned out my desktop and deleted old files and articles I didn't think would be relevant anymore and tried to organize the files the best I could. May as well start with a clean slate.

Met with my boss to chat about the upcoming months. I actually came back during the most opportune week; we are starting the behavior studies for two long-term experiments this week. I had known back in October that when I returned from maternity leave we would be starting these studies, and obviously that hadn't changed. So the next few months will be very busy. Which I like: I'm tired of sitting and being bored. Activity is good. The day to day activity itself is rather monotonous but will be quite long, and hopefully the data will be interesting. We'll see. Can't go into much detail though, so anyone reading will just have to sit and wonder what I do. Ha.

I have been able to find time to pump, which is nice. I have set my alarm for 5am and pump then. I get to the gym for a bit, and then come back and shower/get food ready for the day for myself and the girls, and then pump again before I leave. I have been managing to pump every 3 hours roughly, which is slightly longer than I had before. But it will have to do, and I may even need to draw it out further, unfortunately. We'll see.

I really did miss the girls and Zev. I'm used to seeing them all day, so it was hard when I came home and only had a few hours with them. I hope that will get easier. My boss had asked if I was going to go fulltime immediately, and I'd like to try. It is going to be hard no matter when I start FT, so I may as well start now. I told him if it got to be too difficult that I would let him know. And this way I can still save time for sick days should I need them later.

In terms of taking care of myself, I started another fitness journal to keep track of my sleeping, resting, intake, etc. I didn't want to turn this blog into that because I'd rather keep this to family and more personal things. And didn't want to take up space talking about my lifting/eating. No one cares about that. I'm just writing it down to make sure I take ample rest and dont' live on cereal forever. So far it is working ok. Meals are more balanced and I feel better.

My next goal: trying to find the joy in all this. Being back to work has helped my mood, so I do think I'll become more relaxed. The trick is being more relaxed without being too exhausted. Because I want to enjoy myself, my husband, my children, etc., and not feel too tired to do so. And I want to focus on the fun things. Perhaps planning family activities on weekends to be sure we all spend time together. And I need to talk to Jason about his schedule once he returns to work. Being a two income family makes spending quality time with your spouse difficult and by the time Zev is in bed and the girls are fed, we're both exhausted. There must be another way....

Back to work...

2010-03-15T07:00:00.000-04:00

And a new type of 'normal' begins....

I don't anticipate today being that difficult. I left abruptly back in October and I don't even remember the password to get into my computer. I'm sure it has expired anyway. And once I get into it, it will take me a year to even go through all my emails and files.

It will be good to get back 'in the groove'.

Coping with stress

2010-03-12T08:02:00.000-05:00

Its been awhile. I'm actually hoping once I go back to work it will easier for me to find 15 minutes to write. While I'm at home, there is always a child needing attention something going on that keeps me from writing anything. I think at work it will be a bit easier to mentally escape to write. We'll see.

Speaking of work, I will be going back on Monday. I have been off work since October 2nd, or 23 weeks. Almost half a year. That's a really long time.

I went back last week to meet with my boss. That meeting actually went well in of itself, the difficult part for me was walking into the building itself; the last time I was there I was pregnant and on my way to my doctor's appointment. Then everything went to hell. I've mentioned these 'anxiety attacks' in previous posts. I liken them to pseudo-PTSD flashes. They are rather unnerving but come very rarely. I don't anticipate many more until next holiday season...hopefully I'll be able to cope ok with that.

People ask if I'm looking forward to going back to work. Yes and no. I am looking forward to working again. I am looking forward to more adult conversations. I am looking forward to getting out of the house more regularly and having things to talk about other than diapers/reflux/pumping/pooping. I am not looking forward to increased stress and exhaustion. I am not looking forward to feeling more frazzled than I already am. And I am not looking forward to feeling pulled in even more directions.

Especially since I have never been good at coping with stress. I turn into a bionic woman...go go go with blinders on, never stopping to actually rest and think. Eating and sleeping are no longer priorities and 'resting' is considered laziness (nap?? but I have laundry and cleaning and I have to organize my closet!!). As a consequence my health deteriorates and I end up burning out. Plus, I end up cranky and bitchy to Jason people, and that isn't something I want at all.

I already got a talking-to from the two people who probably know me best. Jason sat me down and gave me a stern lecture on taking on too much and not letting him do anything anymore. And not taking care of myself (yet again). I tried to defend myself, saying that HE wasn't resting either, I didn't want to be lazy, and I felt bad when I saw him doing everything. He didn't buy it: I'm lactating, he did it for months when I was on bed rest, and I needed to make our family a priority. And he said something that did hit home: I need to be able to enjoy this. And if I'm running around too much trying to be super woman while surviving on fumes and exhaustion, I can't enjoy anything.

Yikes.

So then I saw my therapist, who I have seen on/off for about three years now. She's a psychiatric nurse and I started seeing her before I became pregnant with Zev and wanted to talk about the infertility issues I was having. I like her because she is not a psychologist (with my psych degree, I find talking to psychologists too annoying) and she can be very insightful and confronting. I hadn't seen her since I was first put on bed rest (she came to my house...so nice) and got a similar talking-to about taking care of myself. Only her theme was why I felt the need to go-go-go and not take care of myself properly. Why I don't think eating/sleeping/resting is important enough and how to counter my attitude about 'being lazy'. She too says: I'm going to crash and burn. Especially if I don't work on this and make it a priority now that I'm going back to work.

Because three young children + working full time is enough to make anyone coo-coo.

So this is what I need to start figuring out: how to allow myself to rest and 'smell the roses' and actually take care of my body by giving it what it needs: proper rest when it needs it, good food when it needs it, a mental health break when it needs it, etc.

Sigh.

On the kiddie front, we are in the midst of interviewing back-up babysitters/nannies to help out in the evening/weekends and to cover for Nicole when she goes on maternity. We've seen three girls so far: I'm specifically interviewing college students who are getting education degrees and want the experience of being a nanny. The timing is perfect for them: Nicole is due the end of June, just when classes will be ending. We live between Boston College and Boston University, plus there are about five other colleges without a stone's throw from here. Tons of students. I just hate interviewing. I'm giving myself until the end of next week and then will just pick whoever is best. I won't get someone like Nicole, but that's ok..its just for 8 weeks or so, and as long as no one loses a finger I'll be happy.

Groundhog day...part 2

2010-03-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

I have another post entitled Groundhog Day. Well, lets just say a month later, it is much the same. Only this time it is starting to depress me.

I wrote on my crunchy moms site and asked other moms of multiples how they coped with being pulled in so many directions. I feel like there isn't enough of me to go around. I feel like I'm neglecting my girls because I can't spend any real 1-1 time with them. I remember doing 'tummy time' and taking Zev out to mommy groups when he was this age. With the girls, everything just takes so much energy. I have less time with them (I wasn't pumping with Zev so that wasn't an issue), and I need twice the time to feed, diaper, etc. How can I really play with one baby and try to be nurturing to her while I have a second baby on my lap who equally needs some mommy-time? I feel guilty for being too tired to do much with them...by the time they are fed, I need to pump, and I barely have time to eat or do anything around the house. I have a mental list of things I would like to get done...and just don't have the energy or motivation to do it. I'm depressed that I am stuck in the house all day because I can't take them anywhere. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to during the day....feed, diaper, swaddle, pump, repeat. I can't take them out due to their preemie status, so we don't even have THAT option.

The response was: this is the hardest period. It will get easier. I hope so.

I am generally a pretty positive person. I met with Moore, my boss, the other day to chat about performance review/salary/bonus/when I'm coming back. And then I met with Ken, HIS boss, who had heard I would be there and wanted to chat as well. Both meetings went fine...salary/raise/bonus was about what I expected ("in this lean economy....") and my boss was supportive and gave me a heads-up on what would be coming my way when I returned. His boss was extremely supportive; he has a daughter with CP (brain bleed at birth and spent time in the NICU) and wanted to hear how I was doing and was I getting the support I needed. He commented that I had a good attitude and that his wife had had a very difficult time when their daughter was born. I told him what I tell everyone: I'd rather laugh than cry.

But I admit to feeling two steps away from crying. Its exhaustion, mainly. Slight depression, but nothing unmanageable. I just keep telling myself that this is the hardest period and that it will be easier in a few months. Whether or not that's true I don't know, but it makes me feel better.

Ken told me that if I needed extra time/support at work to just let him know and I could take more time if I needed it. It was wonderful to hear. I have been feeling guilty about missing so much work time, which is why I am going back 2 weeks before I really need to. Although this way I have those 2 weeks saved should I need it down the road.

On a positive note: the girls are doing well. Joan, our visiting nurse, will be discharging Meorah because she is doing so well. Tzelia will shortly follow, I'm sure. M was 7 lbs yesterday and T was 6 lbs 13 oz. I find it amusing how they are always 3 oz off from each other.

Zev can't go to the back-up day care tomorrow, so it will be me and the three kiddos all day. My mother will be here for a bit to help out, which will be very appreciated. At this point, I really respect my nanny. The woman earns her money.

Its starting to hit me

2010-03-02T08:54:00.000-05:00

In a bad way.

Everyone keeps saying how difficult it must be to have three young children at home. And before a few days ago, I said it actually wasn't that bad.

But honestly, the last two evenings have been rough. Last night particularly.

Most of it was because I was a pseudo single parent for the evening: the minivan died in the driveway just as I had finished loading the girls in their carseats to run out to pick up a prescription. Jason spent the evening trying to jump start it (which failed and we ended up calling AAA to have them do it, but that was after three hours of getting jumper cables, pushing the car, going back and forth from the house to the car with a flashlight trying to figure out what was wrong). While he was being mechanic, I was catering to three hungry and needy children AND trying to find time to feed them and pump. I admit to losing my temper twice, which made Zev cry, which made me feel absolutely horrible.

It isn't his fault that he is two and can't understand if I need him to wait three minutes while I finish feeding one of his sisters (while the other one is also yelling at me from a bouncer). And it isn't his fault that he tries so hard to be helpful with his sisters when they are sleeping, which just results in them waking up and deciding: why yes, I'm hungry too! And it isn't his fault that he says he is not hungry, then he is, then he is not, then he is but no he can't eat in the other room it has to be in the kitchen RIGHT NOW.

And the girls are just being newborns...they can't self-soothe and if they are hungry they also need to be fed. If it were just one baby, I could easily handle that. But two crying babies plus a crying toddler who is upset because mommy is upset....well, that just results in all four of us being upset (five, if you count Jason who is continuing to be frustrated by the minivan in the midst of the drama).

Sigh.

Its getting to me. I know it is temporary, but as Jason said last night: "What on earth did we do WRONG" (to deserve all this?) I just decided I must have done something awful in my last life, and this is just karma paying me back.

No other explanation.

Massive bleeding first trimester
Bed rest at week 20
Nanny finds out she is pregnant that same week
Preterm labor at week 26
Two weeks in the hospital with Jason being single dad
Preterm labor at week 30, spending my birthday blind, unable to move, and throwing up.
Girls born 10 weeks early
Bad c-section recovery + lack of rest = ulcer the entire month of December
C-section incision that didn't heal all that great
Baby 1 staying in NICU for 6 weeks, baby for 8 weeks, leaving two weeks of balancing one at home and one in the NICU + Zev at home
Pneumonia 1.5 weeks after baby 2 at home
Nanny gets pregnancy complications and has to spend a week in bed...still unsure if she will need to stay there
Minivan dies

Yeah....the last four months have sucked

real update

2010-02-27T07:14:00.000-05:00

The last post was all about Nicole, and I didn't really get a chance to chat about MY life. This blog is, after all, all about me.

(but as a Nicole update, they are treating her for a kidney infection. Turns out she is NOT dilated and has been instructed to take a week off. She'll have another ultrasound at the end of the week, but if it looks ok she can come back to work. thank goodness)

Pneumonia: I am still coughing a fair amount, but I am pretty confident the X-ray will come back clear. That's good. In a way, this may have turned out in my favor. I get 8 weeks STD for my maternity leave, and that ended on Feb 10th or so. According to the Massachusetts Maternity Leave Act, I get 16 weeks of protected job security, although it is unpaid (similar to FMLA, only a state program). For the remaining time, I can use vacation time in order to still get paid, but any other time is unpaid. I had saved about 2-3 weeks vacation, so I was going to use all that and just take unpaid time for the remainder.

However, I had an epiphany while driving the other day: had I returned to work, I would be back on STD for the pneumonia. So why am I wasting vacation time? I contacted my HR, and they are going to look into it for me. HuzzAH! This will save vacation time and I may not need to take any unpaid time at all. It makes sense to me: this is what STD is for. And my HR contact didn't think it was a problem. However, my faith and confidence in my insurance company is...well...we'll keep it clean and not say what I'm really thinking.

This week is going to be a bit rough. Zev will be with Jason at the back-up day care, and I'll be with the girls all week. I do have some appointments...early intervention is coming on Monday, I have a meeting with my boss on Tuesday (mom is coming to watch the girls so I can run out for two hours), and I have to get an X-ray some time on Thursday (may have to beg a friend to babysit). I also need to find time to get to the gym...perhaps after Zev goes to bed. It will be late in the evening, but better that than nothing. I think I'm sufficiently over the pneumonia enough to do a little something, and it is my stress reliever.

I've been having some stomach bloating, and I think it is due to my inactivity. I have a very temperamental GI system, and the things that I find bloat me up are: too much processed foods, too little activity, and not enough water. I'm doing crappy on all of those, so I really need to work on that, for my own comfort level. Ugh. Its really the activity that makes it the worst. Once I get back to work I think it will be better since I won't be sitting on the couch all day; I spend a fair amount of work time on my feet, even though I wouldn't call it especially 'active'. But I do really miss my high level activity that I had 'way back in the day'. I suppose it is unrealistic to be able to keep up that schedule, but SOMETHING is better than nothing... I am one of those people who hates to sit still. Made bed rest even harder...

Made challah yesterday for the first time in about ten years. The recipe was only blah. Not sweet enough for my taste. But it was something I really wanted to do, and next week I can try another recipe. This one was half whole wheat/half regular flour, with a touch of honey and applesauce. But I think it needed more oil: it was rather dry. And more salt. I want to buy a bread machine so I can do it weekly; once I start work, doing it without one is going to be too difficult. If any readers have suggestions, I'm open to them. I just want something simple.

Tonight is Purim. Jason will be taking Zev to services and I will be staying home. Sigh. I do want to get out and get him a costume and maybe we can make cookies this afternoon before he goes. We need sugar though...I realized that yesterday while baking the challah. I wish I could go, but there is no way we can bring the girls out in public to a small room with so many germs. Oh well. Next year.

And here I thought my bed rest/house arrest would end once the girls were home...

And the hits just keep coming

2010-02-25T14:46:00.000-05:00

I've posted before about our nanny. She is fantastic. Thirty-four years old, and has been nannying/daycare for her entire professional life. Has a degree in early education and has worked for day cares and been a nanny for over 10 years now. When we found out we were having twins, the first thing we did was do a nanny search. I joined care.com and ended up interviewing eight nannies. She was the last one, and while there were quite a few good interviews, I felt she was the best fit. She accepted the position over the phone.

Since then, she has been very open about how much she loves her job. She has told me that while she is not a religious person, she does think that this job was given to her just when she needed it. It is a perfect fit.

When I was put on bedrest, she found out she was pregnant. This was not a wanted pregnancy, but she kept it and her boyfriend moved in with her. Her pregnancy has been a bit rough...lots of nausea, fatigue, heart burn, etc. She found out a few weeks ago that she was having a girl and even has a name picked out. This is not her first child (she has a 13 year old son), and although it wasn't initially what she wanted, she seemed to be getting more and more excited...she registered and Babies R Us last weekend (I peeked at it online...cute things!!) and has been in the midst of figuring out day care for her daughter.

Yesterday she was here and was not feeling so well. She called her OB, and they had her go to the ER. From her description, it really sounded like just a blood pressure issue or blood sugar: dizziness upon standing. But better safe than sorry.

She called us last night around 9:30pm, still in the hospital. They were sending her to L/D.

While I was at the pediatrician this morning (more on that later) Jason called with an update: they think she has an infection and her cervix is open. And they think she has too much amniotic fluid.

The poor thing. At my estimation she is around 23 weeks gestation. Not even viable/barely viable.

My heart is breaking for her. Jason said she did not have that much information, but that it sounded like she wasn't asking. She hates doctors, so this doesn't surprise me.

Jason took Zev to the back up daycare at MGH and he'll take him again tomorrow. I had the girls today for their 2 month appointment (looking good so far!) and a friend came with me to help me out. We don't have anything on the schedule for tomorrow, so that shouldn't be bad: Jason will take Zev with him again and I'll just stay home.

But poor Nicole. I'm going to call her later and see how she is doing. Obviously I am very worried about her, her baby, her health, and how she is going to get through this (emotionally and financially...I know her income after all, and if she is put on bed rest, that cuts that out completely). And, because we have our own self-interests to keep in mind, if she is put on bed rest, that means we have to scramble for another nanny. There is no WAY we will find someone as good, and I feel horribly guilty for even thinking of ourselves at this time. But I suppose this is reality...

I will wait the weekend and then place an ad for a nanny. If her cervix is indeed open, there is no way she can work. That was my problem, and I was immediately put on bed rest. If she has an amniotic infection, she is at risk of labor, and they may not even let her leave the hospital.

I feel horribly for her. I've been there and I know what it feels like...

The poor thing.

Continuing on with the sickness; buying girl's clothes

2010-02-19T06:19:00.000-05:00

Pneumonia going on day 4. Fever is gone, but coughing is worse. I think I'd rather have the fever...at least that way I can sleep a little bit.

I have been getting some advice on how long this is going to last. The general consensus seems to be: a few weeks. Well bugger. I've been told by numerous people that the antibiotics will make me feel better (really...when?????) but after that, I need to continue to take it easy or I could have another bout of this and delay my full recovery.

As I said a few months ago: I don't do so well with taking it easy. Luckily the coughing is actually prohibiting me doing all that much anyway. I don't know what my oxygen saturation levels are (before the NICU, would I have ever have even thought about that??) but they must be pretty low since I have no energy at all. I am doing a little bit when I have sudden bursts of energy, but am still very much taking it easy.

Something I did do yesterday: I had to go make some exchanges at Gymboree. We have been getting some presents for the girls, but some of them have been preemie sized clothing. Clothing that had been sent weeks ago was fine. But now, while the girls are still currently wearing preemie clothes, they are starting to outgrow them and I would prefer to have clothes they can wear for the next few months. Luckily people have been thoughtful enough to send receipts for their clothes. So off I went to Gymboree to return some clothing and get something in a larger size.

Two funny anecdotes to that.

There are two Gymborees near me. One in a very posh mall and one in a very working class mall. The working class mall is closer but I had been there relatively recently, so I decided to go to the posh mall. Walked through Bloomingdales to get to Gymboree. This is around lunchtime on a Thursday, and you can imagine the high society dames who were browsing Bloomingdales in the middle of a working day. I went to Gymboree only to be told that the gifts had been bought at a Gymboree OUTLET and I couldn't return them there. Bugger. The Gymboree in the working class mall happens to be a Gymboree outlet, so I ended up having to go there anyway.

The difference between the women browsing Bloomingdales and the people in that second mall...there was easily a 200K salary difference. I dropped a few tax breaks. It was a little amusing.

Anyway, I did end up exchanging the clothing (and buying more...always works out that way, no), but I found myself in a funny situation: I don't know how to buy girl's clothes. I can buy clothes for my son easily. No problem. I have my boy clothes likes and dislikes and know what I want him to wear. The girls....

Well, first there are so many more options for girls. I always knew that, and it used to frustrate me when shopping for Zev. But now that I actually have to BUY girl's clothes, its a bit overwhelming. And I realized I have an aversion to buying them dresses. For babies? Won't their legs get cold? Am I just too practical for this? I don't have a problem buying cute bows for their hair (couldn't find any...sob sob) or things like that, but dresses....eh. You just see their diaper unless you get little short-shorts to go with them. So I bought some cute girl-y jeans, two sets of one-piece overalls, and a onsie. They only had one non-white onsie, which makes no sense to me....having babies in white is just asking for trouble.

Thus I did manage to get out for a bit. Spent the rest of the day coughing, as usual. More of the same, I would imagine, for today...

Pneumonia

2010-02-16T14:02:00.000-05:00

I've never had pneumonia before... it isn't fun.

This weekend was the weekend from hell. I started feeling under the weather around Friday/Saturday. By Saturday night I was definitely feeling sick and the fever was starting to climb. Come Sunday I was so light sensitive I couldn't stand to be in a room if the light was on, had a 101 degree fever, and spent the entire day in bed with a hacking cough, runny eyes, and runny nose. Monday = more of the same. I was taking Tylenol every 6 hours: if I missed a dose, I immediately would get the chills and my temperature would sky-rocket again. Then I would take Tylenol, and I would sweat it out as my temperature dropped. Misery. At one point last night I was wearing two sweatshirts, a regular shirt, had two comforters, and a heating blanket and was STILL shivering. At 6 am this morning I realized it actually hurt to breathe...

Time to email the doctor...

I went in for an X-ray this morning and sure enough: pneumonia. I'm on a course of 5 days of antibiotics and then I have to have another X-ray in two weeks. If it gets worse, I am to call my doc immediately.

Back to bed rest for me...which sucks. And I know what is going to happen: after a few days of antibiotics I'm going to feel fine. And I'm going to want to do things. And my warden husband is going to get pissed at me for doing too much and yell at me. I already lived that life for three months when I was on bed rest for the pregnancy. Sucks.

But call out to my husband...while yours truly was wanting to die over the weekend, he had to once again be a single parent...only this time to not ONLY a toddler but to a toddler and two newborn babies who aren't very cooperative with eating. Said toddler also decided to get food poisoning (I think) and throw up everything he has ever eaten in his lifetime on Sunday night and into Monday morning.

And just to make things even more 'special', we had the visiting nurse come on Monday to give the girls their Synagis shots. She comes weekly and weighs them (very nice service offered to us through the hospital) and turns out Tzelia lost an ounce in a week. I was not surprised: her eating has not been good the last week or so and when I graphed her intake (yes, I'm a geek...I have all of their feedings charted in Excel, as well as my pumping output) I can see that she has dropped 2 ounces/day for the last 4 days. So she needs to go to the doctor, but I can't take her: I have pneumonia. And both girls are due for their two month checks sometime this week as well. They were also supposed to have hip ultrasounds today, but that obviously isn't happening...

I knew life would be more complicated once the girls came along. But this is a bit much, dontcha think?

Fever

2010-02-14T08:41:00.002-05:00

Fever of 101. Hacking, burning, cough. Eyes are running, nose is running....

I think I'll be spending the day in bed....

Sickness, lots of bills, and diversity

2010-02-13T08:34:00.000-05:00

Thank you, Zev. You are getting so good at sharing. It makes me very proud. I couldn't be happier that you decided to share with me that horrible cold you had a few days ago.

Of course, it was probably inevitable. There was so much snot and fluids coming off of you, that it would have been impossible to not get something unless we turned you into the Bubble Boy. So, I am now up coughing at night with a sore throat. Luckily I am not congested, as if you are breastfeeding, you cannot take decongestants (dries up the supply). So I've been taking cough medicine and that's about it. I may pop a few Tylenol for this headache, but I am pretty wary of that now that I have/had an ulcer. It will depend on how awful I feel.

It is pretty bad timing. The grandparents are coming en mass this weekend. My mother is flying up from Florida, where she spends the majority of the winters. She wants to stop by the house on the way back from the airport and then will probably want to come by at some point tomorrow as well (with dad in tow, obviously). Jason's mom also is coming up this weekend. I had not wanted people to come on the first weekend with all of us at home...and that has passed. So now that the doors are 'open' everyone is flooding in. It should be fine, so long as everyone washes washes washes. The girls are still rather boring...all they do is sleep and eat. But Zev is here too, and he likes seeing his grandparents. I just wish I had more energy for the company (not that anyone will care...we are actually quite blessed with very supportive grandparents).

Amusing thing that happened yesterday...got a bill for Meorah's stay in the NICU (6 weeks inpatient). There had been some issues with insurance that is now figured out and the bill will be re-submitted, but it was amusing to see how much her stay cost: excess of $25,000. It cost $500/day just to lay there and not see anyone. I haven't received Tzelia's but she stayed an additional 2 weeks, which is 30% longer...so I would guess it will be close to $33,000 and probably more since she had more doctors see her. I never even saw the bill for MY 3 weeks of inpatient stay or my c-section. I had a private room, and I know many private rooms are upwards of $1000/day. Ha. I won't even go into a post on our health care system (hot topic!), but we'll just say....that's very expensive.

One final note...had a very nice chat with Nicole, our nanny, yesterday while we were at the house before she took Zev out. It is really nice to get such good feedback: she LOVES her job. She has told me numerous times that while she is not a religious person, she really feels that things happen for a reason, and she is here for a reason. It fell into place just when she needed it. We feel the same way. She is such a gem, so wonderful with Zev, and I have learned a great deal from her...not only about parenting/toddlers, but about different life experiences. She is from a very different background, and some of her personal stories are quite shocking...lots of abuse, neglect, poverty, family members in prison, etc. She is the only one of her family who went to college. She had a son at the age of 20 and (from how she describes it) is a wonderful mother to him, especially considering the circumstances around her...she and the father broke up 10 years ago, he passed away 2 years ago, she still deals with his 'overbearing' grandmother, etc. And he's at the ripe age of 13, so probably isn't the easiest person to parent. She is pregnant (unmarried) and in the midst of having her boyfriend move in with her. No plans on getting married and she isn't even sure if the relationship will last forever. But she is very matter-of-fact about it and while she didn't want to get pregnant, she is doing what needs to be done.

I really admire what she's done and how she deals with things in her life. And I'm glad Zev has her in his life as well. We loved his old day care, but the other children were like him: jewish and either American or Israeli. This way he meets lots of different people with different backgrounds at a very early age. I grew up in a predominantly white suburb, and while I think I turned out 'ok', I think some diversity would also have had a good impact on me...

Groundhog day

2010-02-09T07:32:00.000-05:00

My day yesterday alone with the girls:

Hear Meorah so get her bottle of breastmilk + fortifier ready
Get her up and change her diaper
Bring her downstairs and feed her, watching her reflux and watching how much she is eating.
Burp and hold for about 15 minutes

Hear her sister, so get HER bottle of breastmilk + fortifier out
Swaddle up Meorah and bring her back upstairs to put her down
Get up Tzelia and change her diaper
Bring her downstairs and feed her, watching her reflux and watching how much she is eating.
Burp and hold for about 15 minutes

Look at the clock and realize it is time to pump

Swaddle Tzelia and bring her back upstairs to put her down

Pump for half an hour

Look at the clock and realize its time for Meorah to eat again....

Lather, rinse, repeat....

(Note that I could feed them at the same time, but I chose not to yesterday: when I do that, I don't have a chance to spend much 1-1 time with them and wanted to be able to do that. It just means everything takes twice as long)

Suffice it to say: I did nothing but feed babies and pump yesterday. How exciting.

RSV, PTSD, and other acronyms...

2010-02-06T09:15:00.000-05:00

Jason asked me last night if I was nervous about tomorrow.

"Umm....why?"

"Because its the first weekend without any help and all of us here"

Yeah, I guess that's true.

The week went fine actually. We had some doctor appointments, and things are going rather well. Again, our main issue is feeding, although the reflux does seem to be improving. Both girls are now on Prilosec and breastmilk with cereal. Meorah is taking awhile to get used to this change: whereas she previously had taken about 15-20 minutes to eat, she is now taking 45. And that is rather tiring. Prilosec does take 3-5 days to kick in, so I'm hoping she will feel better in a few days and get a bit better at eating. I know it is not a physical problem since this is a new development. They are growing very well and will probably hit 6 lbs within the next week or so. Double their birth weight!

We continue to have the visiting nurse come in, and they still see their pediatrician regularly. We have another eye exam in two weeks, early intervention coming for their initial interview next week, and their two month 'well baby' visit with their pediatrician in two weeks. They are supposed to get their 2 month vaccinations then...although I am considering requesting a delayed schedule for that. While they may be 2 months old, they will really be just a few days adjusted age. I started looking into recommendations for preemie vaccination schedules and it seems different people do it differently. Some go with the standard recommendations, some do a delay, and some do the standard but spread it over two days or so (two vaccinations so they do not get it all at once in one shot). They will also be getting their second Synagis shot around the 15th, so that just seems like a lot of injections and vaccines/antibodies at once for such little bodies.

I have to think about it a bit more.

Speaking of Synagis, Zev decided to celebrate our first weekend home alone by getting a cold. Poor boy has been miserable the last two days. I don't think I remember seeing him with such a bad head cold: runny eyes, runny nose, coughing, etc. He came back with Nicole on Thursday night and spent the rest of the evening on my lap barely moving or talking. Yesterday he stayed home and had a bit more energy but was obviously very uncomfortable. I want to keep a close eye on him (and the girls) since cold symptoms are very similar to RSV, and that is the last thing we need right now. Unfortunately there isn't much we can do to protect the girls other than do our best to keep them in another room. I hope he's feeling better today....

I'm doing.....ok. I saw my doc last week and sure enough my thyroid meds need adjusting: I'm hypothyroid, and that always becomes worse when I'm pregnant and I end up having my meds adjusted. They were last adjusted in November, but now that I am no longer pregnant I needed to be tested again. So we are lowing my dose back down and I will get tested again in 6 weeks.

Other interesting result of that meeting; I have a new aversion to giving blood. I actually am a donor for my work: often scientists will need blood samples, and employees can sign up to be a donor and donate a few vials of blood once in awhile. Pay is nominal: I do it as a way to help out my peers. I have great veins and never had an issue donating...the nurse knew I was always available and often would end up in her office about once a week to donate. I also would get my blood taken often when I was going through the infertility treatments: at least every 3 days and sometimes every day for weeks on end. Obviously I don't have an issue with getting my blood taken.

Until now. Since October, I would only be getting my blood taken when I was thought to be in labor or in the hospital with complications. When the med assistant came to take my blood two days ago, all of the sudden I wanted to cry. I didn't: managed a fake smile and let her take her few vials and I left the lab. But the different reaction I had was striking. I wrote a post way back about PTSD and the NICU, and I'm finding emotions like this just come out of the blue.

Another example: later that afternoon there was a show on TV that took place around the holidays: lots of Christmas decorations were up and the characters were preparing for Christmas and family events. Again, I felt....bad. I always liked Christmas (even though I don't celebrate it) and liked the decorations and the music. And now I can't stand to look at it. I remember watching Christmas specials while in the hospital and missing out on many of the holiday lights since I was on bed rest, as well as spending part of the day in the NICU. Now the association is there: Christmas = hospital = anxiety and fear.

I'm functioning fine, don't get me wrong, and I have no symptoms of depression. I just hate these random flashes that occur. Common, I know, but it is unsettling.

All Five of Us

2010-02-02T15:59:00.000-05:00

And we're all home....

Roughly 42 days in the NICU for Meorah and 56 for Tzelia. 70 days of bed rest for me.

The girls are 38 weeks now. They were born at 2 lbs 14 oz (T) and 3 lbs 1 oz (M). They are now 5 lbs 6 oz (T) and 5 lbs 8 oz (M). The first night wasn't bad, actually. We kept up with our regular routine: Jason managed to feed both simultaneously (rock on) while I pumped. They are still on an every-three-hour schedule, and we just wake the second one when the first wakes up. It is generally recommended to feed on demand...but for twins, that would mean eating all day. No way. So we go against advice and 'wake the sleeping baby' to feed them both at the same time. So far so good.

Unrelated: we had some horrible family news today. Jason's cousin's husband passed away yesterday. Rich was young...mid thirties, I believe. He was playing basketball on his own and just collapsed. When they tried to revive him, they were unsuccessful. No idea what happened: an autopsy will show.

Shocking. Absolutely horrible. His wife, Shana, has two children roughly the same age as my own. She is around my age. I don't believe she works and has been a stay at home mom. My heart just breaks for her and for Rich's parents.

They live in CA, and I told Jason he had to go to the funeral. We are missing some family events this year, namely a Bar Mitzvah that is coming in a few months. But you don't skip a funeral. You just don't. He said he couldn't go and leave me alone with three kids, but really there is no option. The funeral is probably on Thursday, although we will find out for sure shortly.

I can deal with a night without sleep while he's gone. Shana has to deal with the rest of her life without her husband, and her children without their father. I can go sleepless for 24 hours. That's nothing.