Friday, September 10, 2010

happy belated new year

L'Shana Tova!  Happy new year.

The Jewish holidays are early this year.  This September Rosh Hashana fell the week of Labor Day, and Yom Kippur will be in mid-September (and unfortunately on Shabbat, which sucks).  I realized the other day I hadn't done my normal yearly personal inventory...normally I spend a day going over the events of the last year and think about what I've learned, where I've been, what direction I am headed in, and my aspirations for the next year.

Honestly, I think I've done a lot of that this year already.  I'd rather not recap for the umpteenth time what has been going on.   But I would like to try to think about where I'm going and what I'd like to head towards in the coming year....

Being on bedrest did make me stop and actually rest for the first time probably ever.  It did teach me a lot (hey, that's how I came up with Meorah's name after all) but I do admit that since being active again I have lost some of that 'balanced' feeling.  I am naturally a high-strung person.  I decide whether or not a day is successful by how productive I was and how many things got crossed off my 'to-do' list.  I have an inability to really sit quietly; I can't even watch a television show without multitasking, and I can't read a book without thinking about what I'm going to do AFTER I am done reading the book.  So I do really need to try to bring some balance back into my life and re-learn how to enjoy doing NOTHING and being ok with that.

 I do have to give myself credit however for not being as physically active as I used to be:  its only my brain that won't be quiet, not my body.  Those who know me well know that I used to be a [b]very very[/b] active person:  high intensity interval training, jogging, weight lifting, biking, etc.  I kept that high activity for years.  Bedrest obviously stopped that in its tracks.  And since the girls were born, honestly, I've done my lifting and a little bit of biking but that's it.  My 'drive' to always be active and moving has disappeared, and for that I am very grateful.  It was too exhausting.  Sounds odd to be grateful to NOT be so active, but we all fall on one side of the continuum, and I tend to fall on the 'extreme' side.  What I need to do now is learn how to quiet the mind like I've learned how to quiet the body.

Motherhood:  I think like everyone I have my good days and bad days.  I wish I had more patience, particularly for Zev at the end of the long day.  Perhaps that is too much to wish for.  I know I do a good job and maybe my perfectionism is coloring my view.  So maybe rather than more patience for Zev, I need more patience for myself for not being perfect.

Marriage:  We have three kids under three.  We both work full time.  We live in a house that keeps falling apart.  Life is stressful.  We do have a babysitter and I think we just need to be better at enjoying marriage outside of enjoying parenthood.  I don't want to fall into the trap of only living for our children and ending up in trouble later.

In all, I'm pretty happy with how things are going.  Life is stressful and busy.  We have a lot on our plates.  I feel tired and cranky much of the time.  But my kids are healthy, our house hasn't fallen down (yet), and no one is in crutches or a cast.  Ha.

I do have my surgery in two weeks.  I am getting very nervous about that.  I am very much looking forward to having this fixed, but not looking forward to the surgery itself nor the recovery period.  I'm sure it will be fine and in a few months I will be grateful I had it done.  But the day itself will be very nerve-wracking.  I have to drive myself there:  Jason has to wait for Nicole to come to the house and then he'll bus/bike over to the clinic.  So I'll be alone for the pre-op stuff, which is probably right when any PTSD is going to start to kick-in....ever since my hospitalization, even being in a dressing gown makes me very anxious.  Hell, smelling the hospital soap makes me anxious.  I'll just have to practice my breathing and tell myself it will all be ok...  my family will be helping out for the week and a half I am out of work, and that will make things a lot easier.

So happy new year.  Its been quite a year.  Here's to hoping the next one is a little less eventful.

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