Monday, May 17, 2010

enter mommy guilt...

It was a rather long weekend.  What was supposed to be a two hour project on our deck stairs turned into an entire weekend project for my husband.  The original plan of replacing just a step became replacing the entire stairs as he discovered most of the wood was rotted.  So while he was busy doing that, I played single parent for most of the weekend.  I was able to do a bit of my own outdoor work; I needed to clear out my garden and get it ready for planting.  But other than that hour outside, the rest of my time was spent with the girls and Zev inside during the day.  We did manage to escape out to dinner Sat night, which was much needed.  By Sunday I still wasn't up for cooking, so we picked up food from Whole Foods for dinner.

Why so exhausting?  Zev decided it was time to act like a typical 2 year old.  A normally happy-go-lucky child became a melt-down loving toddler.  He would burst into tears over (nothing) little things four or five times a day all weekend.  Some of it was pretty normal for a toddler:  the response to a 'no', for example. And some of it was just communication issues, I think...he would often say he wanted something (to read a particular book) and then when I would tell him to go get it to read, he would freak out and scream NO!!  NO read book!! 

Just difficulty in expressing himself, perhaps.  But by Sunday I was rather short tempered, and I hate it when I feel short tempered with him.  It isn't fair...he's just being a toddler.  It isn't his fault he can't communicate well and it isn't his fault his parents are stressed and tired.  And it isn't his fault he can't get out during the week anymore.  Or that his weekday evenings are full of an exhausted Mommy and Daddy who just want to go to sleep and don't have enough energy to sit with him.

I need to do better with him.

I did take him to the YMCA for the 'tumbling' class I signed him up for.  He actually doesn't like the tumbling (the balance beam is 'scary'), but I found him a basketball and he LOVED that.  Even the teacher commented on how happy it made him.  So we spent half an hour chasing the basketball around while the other toddlers played on the little obstacle course that was set up.  I was hoping to chat with some of the other moms, but didn't get a chance since my son decided to ditch them all for the basketball.  Oh well.  I would have liked to have met new people (I really want to make new mommy friends...I feel like my social life is lacking), but it was more important to spend quality time with Zev.  And we had fun.

And following up on my last post, Zev's old day care will take him back two days/week for their preschool.  But after looking at the tuition (gasp!!), we decided to sign him up for a toddler group at a local temple.  It happens to be full, but if there is a cancellation we may get in.  If not, I'll just find individual things for him to do...more things at the YMCA, etc.  And Nicole will be mobile again, so they will be able to get out of the house.

This is hard.  And its hard for me not to be too jaded in general.  Survival mode is getting old...


  1. I'm sorry to read about the guilt you are feeling. I think guilt is part of the package in being a mom - at least a good one. It assures you that you are considering the needs of your children and you are conscientious about not just their care, but their enrichment. I think you are probably doing much better than you think you are. This too shall pass - hang in there!

  2. Aw, thanks. It is hard. I know you're right...we are our own worst judges sometimes. I just want him to be happy and not feel neglected...