Thursday, March 4, 2010

Groundhog day...part 2

I have another post entitled Groundhog Day.  Well, lets just say a month later, it is much the same.  Only this time it is starting to depress me.

I wrote on my crunchy moms site and asked other moms of multiples how they coped with being pulled in so many directions.  I feel like there isn't enough of me to go around.  I feel like I'm neglecting my girls because I can't spend any real 1-1 time with them.  I remember doing 'tummy time' and taking Zev out to mommy groups when he was this age.  With the girls, everything just takes so much energy.  I have less time with them (I wasn't pumping with Zev so that wasn't an issue), and I need twice the time to feed, diaper, etc.  How can I really play with one baby and try to be nurturing to her while I have a second baby on my lap who equally needs some mommy-time?  I feel guilty for being too tired to do much with the time they are fed, I need to pump, and I barely have time to eat or do anything around the house.  I have a mental list of things I would like to get done...and just don't have the energy or motivation to do it.  I'm depressed that I am stuck in the house all day because I can't take them anywhere.  I feel like I have nothing to look forward to during the day....feed, diaper, swaddle, pump, repeat.  I can't take them out due to their preemie status, so we don't even have THAT option.

The response was:  this is the hardest period.  It will get easier.  I hope so.

I am generally a pretty positive person.  I met with Moore, my boss, the other day to chat about performance review/salary/bonus/when I'm coming back.  And then I met with Ken, HIS boss, who had heard I would be there and wanted to chat as well.  Both meetings went fine...salary/raise/bonus was about what I expected ("in this lean economy....") and my boss was supportive and gave me a heads-up on what would be coming my way when I returned.  His boss was extremely supportive; he has a daughter with CP (brain bleed at birth and spent time in the NICU) and wanted to hear how I was doing and was I getting the support I needed.  He commented that I had a good attitude and that his wife had had a very difficult time when their daughter was born.  I told him what I tell everyone:  I'd rather laugh than cry.

But I admit to feeling two steps away from crying.  Its exhaustion, mainly.  Slight depression, but nothing unmanageable.  I just keep telling myself that this is the hardest period and that it will be easier in a few months.  Whether or not that's true I don't know, but it makes me feel better.

Ken told me that if I needed extra time/support at work to just let him know and I could take more time if I needed it.  It was wonderful to hear.  I have been feeling guilty about missing so much work time, which is why I am going back 2 weeks before I really need to.  Although this way I have those 2 weeks saved should I need it down the road.

On a positive note:  the girls are doing well.  Joan, our visiting nurse, will be discharging Meorah because she is doing so well.  Tzelia will shortly follow, I'm sure.  M was 7 lbs yesterday and T was 6 lbs 13 oz.  I find it amusing how they are always 3 oz off from each other.

Zev can't go to the back-up day care tomorrow, so it will be me and the three kiddos all day.  My mother will be here for a bit to help out, which will be very appreciated.  At this point, I really respect my nanny.  The woman earns her money.


  1. Hi.'re in the hard part that's for sure. I remember those days and I didn't have the extra toddler to try to spend time with too.

    Just know that you're kids will all be fine...even though you aren't getting that 1 on 1 time with them.

    I remember when my twins were 5 months old (3 months adjusted), my mom came to stay for a week (we lived in New York and my family lives in Canada). I had been totally on my own (except my hubby at night) for 2 months straight. My mom came down hoping for lots of cuddle time with her grandsons. Well, my boys weren't used to being held...since I was always putting them in their bouncy seats or swings. They just didn't want to be cuddled really or rocked to sleep. I think my mom thought they weren't going to be "normal". Well...flash forward 2 years and my boys are the most affectionate, friendly kids around.

    I guess I'm just trying to say that you'll get through this and the kids will too.

    Sorry, there's no real advice in this comment. But you will get through it! Hugs!

  2. You're doing a GREAT job; just remember to take care of yourSELF, too, mama!