I have another post entitled Groundhog Day. Well, lets just say a month later, it is much the same. Only this time it is starting to depress me.
I wrote on my crunchy moms site and asked other moms of multiples how they coped with being pulled in so many directions. I feel like there isn't enough of me to go around. I feel like I'm neglecting my girls because I can't spend any real 1-1 time with them. I remember doing 'tummy time' and taking Zev out to mommy groups when he was this age. With the girls, everything just takes so much energy. I have less time with them (I wasn't pumping with Zev so that wasn't an issue), and I need twice the time to feed, diaper, etc. How can I really play with one baby and try to be nurturing to her while I have a second baby on my lap who equally needs some mommy-time? I feel guilty for being too tired to do much with them...by the time they are fed, I need to pump, and I barely have time to eat or do anything around the house. I have a mental list of things I would like to get done...and just don't have the energy or motivation to do it. I'm depressed that I am stuck in the house all day because I can't take them anywhere. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to during the day....feed, diaper, swaddle, pump, repeat. I can't take them out due to their preemie status, so we don't even have THAT option.
The response was: this is the hardest period. It will get easier. I hope so.
I am generally a pretty positive person. I met with Moore, my boss, the other day to chat about performance review/salary/bonus/when I'm coming back. And then I met with Ken, HIS boss, who had heard I would be there and wanted to chat as well. Both meetings went fine...salary/raise/bonus was about what I expected ("in this lean economy....") and my boss was supportive and gave me a heads-up on what would be coming my way when I returned. His boss was extremely supportive; he has a daughter with CP (brain bleed at birth and spent time in the NICU) and wanted to hear how I was doing and was I getting the support I needed. He commented that I had a good attitude and that his wife had had a very difficult time when their daughter was born. I told him what I tell everyone: I'd rather laugh than cry.
But I admit to feeling two steps away from crying. Its exhaustion, mainly. Slight depression, but nothing unmanageable. I just keep telling myself that this is the hardest period and that it will be easier in a few months. Whether or not that's true I don't know, but it makes me feel better.
Ken told me that if I needed extra time/support at work to just let him know and I could take more time if I needed it. It was wonderful to hear. I have been feeling guilty about missing so much work time, which is why I am going back 2 weeks before I really need to. Although this way I have those 2 weeks saved should I need it down the road.
On a positive note: the girls are doing well. Joan, our visiting nurse, will be discharging Meorah because she is doing so well. Tzelia will shortly follow, I'm sure. M was 7 lbs yesterday and T was 6 lbs 13 oz. I find it amusing how they are always 3 oz off from each other.
Zev can't go to the back-up day care tomorrow, so it will be me and the three kiddos all day. My mother will be here for a bit to help out, which will be very appreciated. At this point, I really respect my nanny. The woman earns her money.