Monday, December 28, 2009

Feeling pulled in different directions: the guilt

No, I am not guilty that the girls came early.  I know I did my best and they just needed to come out.

But I feel guilty (or perhaps sad) that I can't spend as much time with them AND spend quality time with my son.

During the week it is pretty easy:  Zev is with Nicole, so I can spend all day at the hospital if I want to.  I generally stay home with them in the mornings until they leave for their adventures, and then I go to the hospital for a few hours and make it back home in time to see them come home.  I get to spend the evening with Zev and Jason until Zev goes to bed.  It isn't a bad set-up.

But on weekends Zev is home all day, as is Jason.  I still want to go to the hospital because if we do not hold the girls, no one does - the nurses will not do it because they want to 'save' that for parents.  And, I want to drop off the milk I have been pumping, catch up on how they are doing, etc.  Today I felt bad about going to the hospital, and then I felt bad about leaving...

I left Zev when he was having breakfast with Jason.  Which made me feel like a bad mommy.  My guess is that it is reminiscent of when I was on bed rest and couldn't do anything with Zev:  now I CAN but I was choosing not to.  I could have gone while he was napping, but it would have left Jason stuck in the house  and it would have been harder to time with their 'care' periods.  Plus, I'm a creature of habit and like to go in the morning so I can catch the doctors who are around.

So I left.  I spent some time with Tzelia and some time with Meorah.  It was nice, but I do have to call in a lactation consultant:  Meorah gets very frustrated with our little 'playing breastfeeding' time, and I want to get a consultation to try to make it easier for her.  She is pretty finicky and likes to suck on things...her hands, a pacifier, your finger...but she is having trouble latching and will pull away and cry.  Poor thing. She is just so small, which makes it hard for her.  I think having someone give some pointers would be helpful.  I didn't have this problem with Zev, so it is a little hard to handle emotionally...but I know practice makes perfect and we're just starting to get there.   Tzelia has some difficulty as well, but it doesn't upset her as it does Meorah.  I have to remind myself that they are only 33 weeks and barely old enough to even get the concept.

I left after holding Meorah, and I just remember her laying in her little isolette with her eyes WIDE open staring out at the world.  I felt so bad leaving her like that.  She looked so tiny.  I feel bad about leaving my son, and I feel bad about leaving my girls.  Its a no-win, unfortunately, until they come home.  But even then, it is just the start of having to deal with more than one child:  one will always need more attention than another, and I have to learn how to cope with any guilty feelings I may have about 'neglecting' the others...

We did have a nice afternoon with Zev after he woke up.  We went to a little indoor playground and let him romp around:

Jason and Zev

Me and Zev (When I stood up, I think I took the car with me...)

Zev and the train set...if we had room, I'd buy him one

The lighting for the pictures was pretty poor:  it was a large warehouse in Watertown.  But we had a good time.

Back to the work-week schedule tomorrow....

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