I stayed home today.  I spent the day in bed, minus any time at the breast pump (although I admit I'm watching The Nightmare Before Christmas while typing this).  I am taking the dilaudid as well...originally I was supposed to be taking 2 mg, but found that really didn't make me feel better.  I upped it to 4 mg (was given permission to do so if I needed to) and while I am still in pain, it is marginally better.   As long as I do not move, my pain in about a 2-3 on a scale of 10.  As soon as I move it jumps up, and if I make any real quick movements...well...its close to an 8 out of 10.  I have an appointment with labor/delivery triage tomorrow, and I'll be looked at then.  After that, a follow-up appointment on Wed with a doctor.  I'm hoping it is just slow healing; I do not have a fever or any real indication of an infection.  Just a lot of pain. Perhaps it is just after-pains with the slow healing; my abdomen is certainly shrinking in size and after-pains can be pretty rough for a twin pregnancy.  We will see what the doctors say.

I did not see the girls today, obviously.  Jason stopped by the hospital to see them though.  Since I need to be at the hospital tomorrow anyway, I will stop by, but probably just very briefly.  Especially since we are supposed to be hit with a snowstorm tonight into tomorrow.

It really kills me not to see them.  I spoke to my mother today; she reminded me that it was important to take care of myself and to let myself be taken care of.  She told me to let myself lay in bed, cry, and suck my thumb if I needed to (which made me laugh and then double over in pain from laughing).  Good advice, of course.  And, I know she is right. After all, you are supposed to put your oxygen mask on before your child's mask.

But it doesn't make me feel any better.  I tend to think I'm invincible.  But doesn't everyone?  One more trip to the hospital, one more hour awake, one more errand to run...just one more.  One more won't hurt anything.  I'm great at ignoring any physical signs of discomfort and just going-going-going.  Sigh.  Yet one more thing to learn and take form this experience?  I've already learned a lot.  I am definitely less obsessional and less anxious about 'the little things'.  Less 'Type A'.  This is even shown in how I am coping with the girls' hospital stay:  I am choosing NOT to freak out about their health status, choosing NOT to track down the docs every two minutes for updates, and choosing not to panic when the alarm monitors go off (which I swear, they do every two minutes).  I decided to let things just 'be' unless I am told otherwise.  And it has worked so far.  I am upset that they are there and I am worried about what may happen to them, but I am not incapacitated by it.  I've learned to let things go.  And how to appreciate what I have even in the midst of the unknown and anxiety.

And now I suppose I have to learn how to take care of myself and listen to what my needs are.  Really 'listen', not just give nods and fake smiles.  Learn how to let myself sleep and rest if I need to.  This is different than the bed rest.  With that, I felt physically fine and stayed put because it was best for the girls.  Now I feel horrible and have to stay put because it is best for me.  It was a lot easier when it was for someone else.

I'm sick of having to learn.  I know I have a lot more to learn and that things will continue to be trying.  So I suppose learning how to take care of myself will benefit me in the future, especially when the girls come home and things get even more hectic.

But honestly, I'm getting a little sick of feeling like Job.  Enough with the testing, huh?